Medical Humor......

T

toppick08

Guest
Actual writings from hospital charts

1. The patient refused autopsy.

2. The patient has no history of suicides.

3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

12. She is numb from her toes down.

13. While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

14. The skin was moist and dry.

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

23. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities


:lol:
 

Homer J

Power Chord
Actual writings from hospital charts

1. The patient refused autopsy.

2. The patient has no history of suicides.

3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

12. She is numb from her toes down.

13. While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

14. The skin was moist and dry.

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

23. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities


:lol
:


Sure went the long way for that one. :moon: :shoulderdeep:
 

Radiant1

Soul Probe
Actual writings from hospital charts

I'm a medical transcriptionist and come across stuff like this often enough. Doctor's tend to dictate while half asleep and some accounts are verbatim so you have to type it as dictated - I mark it for doctor review but some doctors don't bother reviewing and it ends up in the chart as is.

One recent blooper that I came across -

"The patient's penis has pussy discharge coming from the meatus." :jet:

Since the account wasn't verbatim I had to use my MT powers and change it to "pus-like discharge". I'm sure if the doctor realized what he did he would thank me. :lol:
 
T

toppick08

Guest
I'm a medical transcriptionist and come across stuff like this often enough. Doctor's tend to dictate while half asleep and some accounts are verbatim so you have to type it as dictated - I mark it for doctor review but some doctors don't bother reviewing and it ends up in the chart as is.

One recent blooper that I came across -

"The patient's penis has pussy discharge coming from the meatus." :jet:

Since the account wasn't verbatim I had to use my MT powers and change it to "pus-like discharge". I'm sure if the doctor realized what he did he would thank me. :lol:

:killingme
 

Gwydion

New Member
I'm a medical transcriptionist and come across stuff like this often enough. Doctor's tend to dictate while half asleep and some accounts are verbatim so you have to type it as dictated - I mark it for doctor review but some doctors don't bother reviewing and it ends up in the chart as is.

One recent blooper that I came across -

"The patient's penis has pussy discharge coming from the meatus." :jet:

Since the account wasn't verbatim I had to use my MT powers and change it to "pus-like discharge". I'm sure if the doctor realized what he did he would thank me. :lol:

:killingme:killingme:killingme

There was one of these about pilots, anybody have that one?
 
W

White Buddah

Guest
:killingme:killingme:killingme

There was one of these about pilots, anybody have that one?

Just in case you need a laugh: Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one, reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in our jobs.

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks causes throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last.................

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
 

belvak

Happy Camper
Email regarding a cancelled training course received by a co-worker:

The training Representative has the Flu and will not be able to attend
today's training session. We are sorry for the incontinence, but we will be
having another training session on December 4th.
 

SoMDGirl42

Well-Known Member
Email regarding a cancelled training course received by a co-worker:

The training Representative has the Flu and will not be able to attend
today's training session. We are sorry for the incontinence, but we will be
having another training session on December 4th.

:killingme

Last year around this time of year, our Corporate Office receptionist sent out a company wide e-mail following a pot luck luncheon: HUGE BOLD RED LETTERS!

WHO LEFT THEIR *C O C K POT? (*it wouldn't let me type the fighting name for a male rooster)
 
Top