How It Feels Being a 'Vanilla' Man in Bed
As kink positivity has become mainstream, so too has the idea that if you’re not into kink, you’re a boring shag. This attitude, which can veer into shaming, is clear across social media, where phrases like “choke me”, “step on my neck” and “please run me over” have become totally casual ways of saying you fancy someone. On the other end of the spectrum, “just say you're vanilla and boring and go” is now an insult.
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With this in mind, some men are increasingly wary of overstepping during sex, but also feel pressure not to be perceived as boring compared to what seems to be becoming the new norm. Striking this balance is partly why Ben likes to keep things vanilla at first, especially with new partners, where he says it can take time to work out what is fantasy and reality.
“It’s happened before where we’ve met up and I’ve not been sure how hard she wanted me to choke her if she asks for that during sex, or if she’s as into that as she was over messages,” he says. “You might be taking it too far, or not far enough. You don’t want to overstep, or bore her. It can be distracting!”
Understandably, kink makes some men nervous – particularly if they feel there’s an expectation for them to take the lead, or else their masculinity gets called into question. But this type of emasculation isn’t just happening in bedrooms, or in group chats where sexual encounters are gleefully unpacked with friends moments after they end. It’s being displayed publicly on social media too.1
Brad, 26, feels like there’s a double standard at play when it comes to how sex with men is discussed on social media, which makes him feel self-conscious.
As kink positivity has become mainstream, so too has the idea that if you’re not into kink, you’re a boring shag. This attitude, which can veer into shaming, is clear across social media, where phrases like “choke me”, “step on my neck” and “please run me over” have become totally casual ways of saying you fancy someone. On the other end of the spectrum, “just say you're vanilla and boring and go” is now an insult.
[clip]
With this in mind, some men are increasingly wary of overstepping during sex, but also feel pressure not to be perceived as boring compared to what seems to be becoming the new norm. Striking this balance is partly why Ben likes to keep things vanilla at first, especially with new partners, where he says it can take time to work out what is fantasy and reality.
“It’s happened before where we’ve met up and I’ve not been sure how hard she wanted me to choke her if she asks for that during sex, or if she’s as into that as she was over messages,” he says. “You might be taking it too far, or not far enough. You don’t want to overstep, or bore her. It can be distracting!”
Understandably, kink makes some men nervous – particularly if they feel there’s an expectation for them to take the lead, or else their masculinity gets called into question. But this type of emasculation isn’t just happening in bedrooms, or in group chats where sexual encounters are gleefully unpacked with friends moments after they end. It’s being displayed publicly on social media too.1
Brad, 26, feels like there’s a double standard at play when it comes to how sex with men is discussed on social media, which makes him feel self-conscious.
