Tonio
Asperger's Poster Child
An ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.
"What are you so happy about?" Asks the barman.
"Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know, I live by the railway. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the movies. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!"
"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky guy. Was she pretty?"
"Dunno...Never found the head."
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A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Mercedes convertible. He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head.
"This is great," he thought as he roared down I-75. He pushed the pedal to the metal even more. Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.
"I can get away from him with no problem," thought the man and he tromped it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then 110, 120 mph.
Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing." He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him. The trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked up to the man.
"Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a Florida state trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back."
The trooper replied, "Sir, have a nice day."
_____________________________________________
Bob and his wife live up north. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 4-6 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through"
Bob goes out and moves his car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 6 to 8 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."
Bob goes out and moves his car again.
The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says "We are expecting 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park..." then the electric power goes out. Bob says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through?"
With the love and understanding in her voice like all wives exhibit, Bob's wife says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
_____________________________________________
Two out-of-state stoners are cruising through Georgia when one of Georgia's finest pulls their car over.
The officer walks up to the car, and the stoner driving rolls down his window and asks, "Yes, sir?" Promptly, the cop whips out his nightstick and bops the dude in the head.
"OW! Man, what was that for?" the stoner asks.
"You are in Georgia now, son! Here, we have our license and registration ready when an officer approaches our car!"
"I'm sorry, officer, we are from out of state and we didn't know," the stoner says.
So, the officer gives them the usual hassle, and just before he lets them leave, he walks around to the passenger side. The stoner in the passenger seat rolls down his window and asks, "Yes, sir?" POW! The cop quickly bops him in the head with his nightstick.
"Ow! Man, what was that for?" the other stoner asks.
"Just makin' your wish come true, son." the officer replies.
"What wish? What does that even mean?" the other stoner asks.
"Well you see.." says the cop, "about 3 minutes down the road, you were gonna turn to your buddy and say 'Man, I sure wish that pig woulda tried that shiat on me...' "
"What are you so happy about?" Asks the barman.
"Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know, I live by the railway. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the movies. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!"
"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky guy. Was she pretty?"
"Dunno...Never found the head."
_____________________________________________
A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Mercedes convertible. He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head.
"This is great," he thought as he roared down I-75. He pushed the pedal to the metal even more. Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.
"I can get away from him with no problem," thought the man and he tromped it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then 110, 120 mph.
Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing." He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him. The trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked up to the man.
"Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a Florida state trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back."
The trooper replied, "Sir, have a nice day."
_____________________________________________
Bob and his wife live up north. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 4-6 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through"
Bob goes out and moves his car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 6 to 8 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."
Bob goes out and moves his car again.
The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says "We are expecting 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park..." then the electric power goes out. Bob says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through?"
With the love and understanding in her voice like all wives exhibit, Bob's wife says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
_____________________________________________
Two out-of-state stoners are cruising through Georgia when one of Georgia's finest pulls their car over.
The officer walks up to the car, and the stoner driving rolls down his window and asks, "Yes, sir?" Promptly, the cop whips out his nightstick and bops the dude in the head.
"OW! Man, what was that for?" the stoner asks.
"You are in Georgia now, son! Here, we have our license and registration ready when an officer approaches our car!"
"I'm sorry, officer, we are from out of state and we didn't know," the stoner says.
So, the officer gives them the usual hassle, and just before he lets them leave, he walks around to the passenger side. The stoner in the passenger seat rolls down his window and asks, "Yes, sir?" POW! The cop quickly bops him in the head with his nightstick.
"Ow! Man, what was that for?" the other stoner asks.
"Just makin' your wish come true, son." the officer replies.
"What wish? What does that even mean?" the other stoner asks.
"Well you see.." says the cop, "about 3 minutes down the road, you were gonna turn to your buddy and say 'Man, I sure wish that pig woulda tried that shiat on me...' "