Nate the talking snake

[jazz lady]

Once upon a time, there was a talking snake named Nate. Nate lived in the forest, under a big boulder that had a lever sticking out of it.

One day, Nate received a visit from a talent scout from a circus. The scout had heard about Nate because Nate could talk. The talent scout asked Nate to join the circus. Nate was delighted, and he accepted. First, though, the talent scout asked him: "What is the lever for?"

Nate responded: "If you touch the lever, you blow up the world."

So Nate went off with the scout, and he stayed with the circus for a few weeks. He became homesick after that time, but he couldn't get out of his contract. So one night, as everyone else slept, he slithered away and headed back toward his home under the boulder.

The talent scout woke up and realized Nate was gone. He climbed in his car and sped away in the direction of the boulder. As he drove down the highway at 100 mph, he saw Nate crossing the road toward his home. The talent scout was going too fast to stop, so he had to make a decision: hit Nate and kill him, or hit the lever and blow up the world.

What do you think he did?

(scroll down)












He hit Nate. Know why?











Better Nate than lever.

 

[Sharon]

Thanks

 

[jazz lady]

I thought we needed some levity in the forums today. I knew you and Kyle would appreciate this one.

 

[Kyle]

Originally posted by jazz lady
I thought we needed some levity in the forums today. I knew you and Kyle would appreciate this one.

And I did.

 

[bknarw]

That reminds me...

of the one about the King who decided to throw a giant party.
He chose two of his best Knights to deliver notices throughout all the kingdoms of the land.
But, when they got to the very first kingdom, as they were crossing over the moat to the castle, a giant pair of yellow fingers reached out and pulled them in and killed them.
Determined to make sure EVERYONE came to his party, the king tried again, but sent his very best naves to do the work.
Well, the same thing happened. When they got to the bridge over the moat to the very first kingdom, big giant yellow fingers reached out and pulled them under and killed them.
Finally, just about exhausted in resources, the king sent his two best pages to do the job.
Remarkably, they crossed the bridge with no trouble whatsoever, and were then able to deliver the announcements successfully to the other kingdoms in all of the land.

The moral:






"Let your pages do the walking through the yellow fingers"

 

[Sharon]

Now we're rolling.

 

[jazz lady]

Trying to get rid of the nasty DU aftertaste - keep 'em coming!

 

[Kyle]

1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

4. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. And finally... There was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

 

[Sharon]

Keep it up

 

[bknarw]

One day for his birthday, Dale Evans bought Roy Rogers a brand new pair of cowboy boots.
And Roy LOVED those shoes!
He immediately put them on and wore them on his daily trip through the range.
When he got home, he put them on the front porch because they had some range cookies on them.
Overnight, a mountain lion stole down from the mountains and chewed Roys new shoes to bits!
Furious, he rode up into the mountains the next day and killed and skinned the mountain lion.
As he returned, dragging what was left of the carcass behind his horse, Dale Evans happened to notice, and said:

"Pardon me Roy, is that the cat that chewed your new shoes?"

 

[Sharon]

I always loved that one.

 

[Beach Patrol]

An Oldie but a Goodie...

The Sesame Street Bus was making it's way down the street, and at the first stop picked up two little overweight girls, who both happened to be named Patty.

The second stop the Sesame Street Bus made it picked up a little boy named Ross. Ross was in special ed class at school.

The final stop the Sesame Street Bus picked up a little Chinese boy named Lester Ching. Lester got on the bus & everyone staired at his feet, because Lester had horrible bunions and he was picking at them!!!

When the Sesame Street Bus pulled up to the school & all the little kids got off the bus, you know what the teachers saw?

TWO OBESE PATTIES
SPECIAL ROSS
LESTER CHING
PICKING BUNIONS ON A SESAME STREET BUS!

 

[Sharon]

 

[bknarw]

Once upon a time...

There was this deep, deep valley.
As a matter of fact, the valley was SO deep that the sun was only able to shine there for an hour a day.
Deep in the valley lived a tribe of tiny people called the Twids. They loved and admired their fearless leader, The Babbit!

Because there was very little sun in the valley, every day the Twids would hike up the mountain to collect berries, fruits, and wild animals that they would then eat for their meals.

One day, the Twids hiked up the mountain, and started to collect their foodstuffs, when out came a BIG GIANT, who proceeded to kick all of the poor little Twids down the mountain!

Oh no!

So when they were finished rolling, the twids ran to their fearless leader, The Babbit, and they said "Babbit! We were up on the mountain today and this giant came out and started kicking all of us down the mountain!"

So The Babbit stood up and said: "Tomorrow, I shall come to collect food with you!"

And so he did. The next day, when the Twids went up the mountain, The Babbit followed.
For a while, everything was normal, but then, out of nowhere, along came the Giant, who started again to kick all of the poor little Twids down the mountain!

The Babbit, undaunted, strolled right up to the Giant and he said: "Giant, we are a peaceful people. We come up here only to collect food that we can eat deep in our valley. Why do you kick all of my fellow Twids down the mountain?!?!?!?"

The Giant looked down at The Babbit, and in a great BIG Giant voice, said: "HA HA HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA..........................
SILLY BABBIT; KICKS ARE FOR TWIDS!"

 

[Sharon]

There's another one close to the same punch line...Silly rabbi - - - ??? Does anyone remember that one?

 

[jazz lady]

So shall ye ask, so shall ye receive

There was a Rabbi who was shipwrecked on an island. He knew that there was no way he could get off so he decided to make the best of it.

One day in his exploration of the island he came across an interesting tribe of people. They devised some kind of communication and he found out they called themselves Trids. He asked if he could join the tribe. The Trids said yes. So the Rabbi did everything that the Trids did.

One day about a month after the Rabbi joined the Trids, there was a loud trumpet sounding. The Trids all lined up and started walking up the hill. The Rabbi joined them thinking it was some religious ceremony. The Trids stopped on top of a cliff by the sea. They were in a straight line. The Rabbi followed. Then a giant came out of the woods and began to kick each Trid off the cliff. The giant passed the Rabbi and continued to kicked the Trids off the cliff. When the Giant was finished, the Rabbi went to the Giant and asked why he didn't get kicked off. The Giant replied, "Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids!"

 

[bknarw]

Re: So shall ye ask, so shall ye receive

Originally posted by jazz lady
There was a Rabbi who was shipwrecked on an island. He knew that there was no way he could get off so he decided to make the best of it.

One day in his exploration of the island he came across an interesting tribe of people. They devised some kind of communication and he found out they called themselves Trids. He asked if he could join the tribe. The Trids said yes. So the Rabbi did everything that the Trids did.

One day about a month after the Rabbi joined the Trids, there was a loud trumpet sounding. The Trids all lined up and started walking up the hill. The Rabbi joined them thinking it was some religious ceremony. The Trids stopped on top of a cliff by the sea. They were in a straight line. The Rabbi followed. Then a giant came out of the woods and began to kick each Trid off the cliff. The giant passed the Rabbi and continued to kicked the Trids off the cliff. When the Giant was finished, the Rabbi went to the Giant and asked why he didn't get kicked off. The Giant replied, "Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids!"

Mine was better!

 

[jazz lady]

Re: Re: So shall ye ask, so shall ye receive

Originally posted by bknarw



Mine was better!

Yes, it was... but Sharon asked for it SPECIFICALLY. So

(now who's stalking whom, hmmm?)

 

[bknarw]

Re: Re: Re: So shall ye ask, so shall ye receive

Originally posted by jazz lady


Yes, it was... but Sharon asked for it SPECIFICALLY. So

(now who's stalking whom, hmmm?)

I like it better this way!!!


(can I really bite you?)


(sorry tater, couldn't resist...)



PS- Jazz, you big brown-noser!!!