bcp
In My Opinion
New Rule:
Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't
talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them!
Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these
days: mowing my lawn.
New Rule:
Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a
seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a
bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect
it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger! If it was a whole hand,
Congress would have voted to keep it alive.
New Rule:
Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your
eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule:
There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap
at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but
flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some
scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule:
Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle
that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by
the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his _ss will be in the morgue.
congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule:
The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the _sshole. If you
walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced
vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one
Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge _sshole.
New Rule:
I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my
PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't
want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be
ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy. Paper, plastic? I
don't have time for that. I've just been called to do a cleanup on Aisle
Nine!
New Rule:
Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you
spiritual. It's right above the crack of your _ass. And it translates to
"beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were
praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule:
Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN
recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those
athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next,
competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The
Howard Stern Show."
New Rule:
I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts
and eat two.
New Rule:
If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television
shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see
what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was
a television show in the first place is the idea wasn't good enough to be a
movie.
New Rule:
No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's
for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking up the stuff
you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the
white people version of looting.
New Rule: This one is long overdue:
No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel
and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if
he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to
be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
New Rule:
When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27
Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't care
in the first place.
Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't
talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them!
Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these
days: mowing my lawn.
New Rule:
Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a
seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a
bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect
it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger! If it was a whole hand,
Congress would have voted to keep it alive.
New Rule:
Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your
eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule:
There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap
at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but
flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some
scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule:
Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle
that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by
the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his _ss will be in the morgue.
congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule:
The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the _sshole. If you
walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced
vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one
Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge _sshole.
New Rule:
I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my
PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't
want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be
ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy. Paper, plastic? I
don't have time for that. I've just been called to do a cleanup on Aisle
Nine!
New Rule:
Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you
spiritual. It's right above the crack of your _ass. And it translates to
"beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were
praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule:
Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN
recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those
athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next,
competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The
Howard Stern Show."
New Rule:
I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts
and eat two.
New Rule:
If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television
shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see
what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was
a television show in the first place is the idea wasn't good enough to be a
movie.
New Rule:
No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's
for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking up the stuff
you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the
white people version of looting.
New Rule: This one is long overdue:
No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel
and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if
he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to
be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
New Rule:
When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27
Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't care
in the first place.
