New single Fater

capsfan78

capsfan78

I'm XRATED
Two months ago I was lucky enough to get my 5 year old daughter to move in with me. I have her enrolled in a wonderful school, and things are going great. I have a few questions for some of you single and married parents out their.

First, I don't want to say I have a short temper, but I feel myself getting frustrated with things quickly, and the only way I really know how to deal with it, or correct it is to get loud. I know this is the wrong way to handle things.

Second, my daughter just like me could probably be diagnosed with ADD. I honestly don't think she has it, but I know both our attention spans are short. Shes starting to have similar issues in school that I had. Not paying attention unless the teacher is right there with her.

These are a few things I'm having issues with, but any help or advice I can get from mothers and fathers alike on how to handle things would be really greatly appreciated.

Thanks in advance
Jerry
 
Cowgirl

Cowgirl

Well-Known Member
On the first issue, just give yourself a "timeout". If you find yourself getting mad or losing patience, just give yourself a minute or two to calm down. If you have to walk away, then do so. Then you can come back when you're not as worked up. If you're constantly yelling, then your daughter is going to start tuning out the yelling.

It's got to be hard as a single parent because there's not another parent there to balance you (not you in particular, but "you" in general). I know when I'm getting really frustrated/mad my husband will step in and take over so I can calm down, and vice versa. Usually we're not both worked up over the same thing. :lol:
 
pixiegirl

pixiegirl

Cleopatra Jones
You said getting frustrated quickly, is it just quickly or quickly and often?

I don't see a lot wrong with occasionally getting frustrated quickly. I holler often like most parents "settle down, cool it, etc" and try not to yell a lot. There are sometimes when yelling is appropriate. If one of my kids is doing something that is totally unacceptable I will yell at them so they know that I'm serious. Consistancy is key though, if you yell and scream too much it does become ineffective. When I yell at my kids they know I'm serious. I also talk with them after the situation is over to make sure they understand what they did wrong and consequences for another offense.
 
vraiblonde

vraiblonde

Board Mommy
PREMO Member
Patron
Abc123 said:
"Janie (insert her name), you know you are not allowed to color on the walls. This is a beautiful picture you drew on your bedroom wall, but you are going to have to wash it off. The next time, please make sure you draw it on paper so we can save it forever, ok? Daddy loves you very much, and wants you to be able to draw beautiful pictures whenever you want, but you have to draw them on paper and not the walls."
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Okay, that makes me want to yell at you. :lol:
 
Toxick

Toxick

Splat
Abc123 said:
"Janie (insert her name), you know you are not allowed to color on the walls. This is a beautiful picture you drew on your bedroom wall, but you are going to have to wash it off. The next time, please make sure you draw it on paper so we can save it forever, ok? Daddy loves you very much, and wants you to be able to draw beautiful pictures whenever you want, but you have to draw them on paper and not the walls."
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I just vurped hard right here. That is some straight-up Doctor Spock touchy-feely hippy #### right there.



There are some things in which yelling is appropriate. Writing on the walls is one of those things. The above approach does nothing but teaches the child that there are no consequences for bad behavior.
 
Pete

Pete

Repete
Abc123 said:
First of all, try to never yell at your child. My father yelled at us kids constantly when we were young, and it caused me to be terrified of his next rant. In time, I became terrified of him, period. If you become upset at something she is/has done, as Cowgirl mentioned, walk away, breathe deeply, and calm down. Talk to your daughter in a calm manner and explain to her on her 5 year old level what it is that she did to upset you, and help her understand how to avoid it in the future. This works much better than the yelling option. 5 yo little girls are very sensitive, and need a lot of love and nurturing. This can be difficult for a man, as men generally (you may be different) are not very good about showing emotion. You need to give her lots of hugs and show her how much you care about her, even when you are upset with her. Try something like "Janie (insert her name), you know you are not allowed to color on the walls. This is a beautiful picture you drew on your bedroom wall, but you are going to have to wash it off. The next time, please make sure you draw it on paper so we can save it forever, ok? Daddy loves you very much, and wants you to be able to draw beautiful pictures whenever you want, but you have to draw them on paper and not the walls." Then you would give her some water/cleaning agent mixture, put some long dishwashing gloves on her hands so she doesn't injure herself and have her scrub as much as she could off while you supervise and help.
Obviously, this is probably nothing near what you are referring to, but it's just one example of how to handle a 'kid' situation on their level without punishing them in a mean way.
Raising children is a very delicate and hard process. Good luck to you, just remember that yelling will get you nowhere, but could very easily harbor resentful feelings towards you on her behalf.
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Damn, you mean all this time I have been tasing Boy I was wrong?
 
capsfan78

capsfan78

I'm XRATED
Everyone, thanks for the advice. I do find myself walking away for a second or two, so I can talk to her in a much calmer, probably more productive manner.


pixiegirl said:
You said getting frustrated quickly, is it just quickly or quickly and often?
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I'm not really sure honestly. I do find that I get frustrated quickly, and sometimes often as well. I don't really have a stressful job/life but it just seams that some days every little thing can set you off. I have been working a lot on not yelling all the time, I hate doing it, and I know she doesn't like it either. The last thing I'd ever want is for her to be afraid of me.
 
vraiblonde

vraiblonde

Board Mommy
PREMO Member
Patron
capsfan78 said:
I do find that I get frustrated quickly, and sometimes often as well.
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That's because kids are annoying.

I can't give any kind of opinion unless I actually saw/heard an example of what you're talking about. Possibly you have a temper problem - like me! :jet: - or possibly you're being too hard on yourself and it's not really all that. Plus, I have no problem with children having a healthy fear of their parents.

As long as you're aware of the yelling, and as long as you're not beating the crap out of her, my gut tells me you're probably doing okay. But if you don't like it and don't want to yell, a time-out for yourself either before or shortly after you react is probably the way to go.
 
kwillia

kwillia

n/a
Abc123 said:
Dang, guys, simmer down...it was just an EXAMPLE. The OP didn't give us an example of an issue he is having with his daughter, so I made one up. Now if she was really coloring on the walls, especially all the time, I'm pretty sure I would raise my voice. My point was that you have to try to get the kid to understand from their age level. Most parents just say "don't do this" and don't explain why, so the child may not understand that there is a danger involved, etc.. Forgive me....continue with your tasing.....
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Thank you for explaining that and for using your indoor voice...:smile:
 
pixiegirl

pixiegirl

Cleopatra Jones
capsfan78 said:
Everyone, thanks for the advice. I do find myself walking away for a second or two, so I can talk to her in a much calmer, probably more productive manner.




I'm not really sure honestly. I do find that I get frustrated quickly, and sometimes often as well. I don't really have a stressful job/life but it just seams that some days every little thing can set you off. I have been working a lot on not yelling all the time, I hate doing it, and I know she doesn't like it either. The last thing I'd ever want is for her to be afraid of me.
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I don't think that getting frustrated quickly is always a bad thing. Kids are kids and there are certain things that we as parents should not tolerate from our kids. Drawing the line early of what you will and will not put up with is not a bad thing. My dad NEVER raised his voice at me, only spanked me once ever and I was terrified of upsetting him. My mom on the other hand yelled, screamed and beat my ass but I'd push her buttons just because I could. Kids are little people, they each have their own personalities and eventually are going to turn out however they're going to turn out regardless of what you do. All you can do is do the best you can.
 
onebdzee

onebdzee

off the shelf
I personally don't like kids...they are annoying young, needy people that suck money out of you on a daily basis
 
belvak

belvak

Happy Camper
capsfan78 said:
Everyone, thanks for the advice. I do find myself walking away for a second or two, so I can talk to her in a much calmer, probably more productive manner.

I'm not really sure honestly. I do find that I get frustrated quickly, and sometimes often as well. I don't really have a stressful job/life but it just seams that some days every little thing can set you off. I have been working a lot on not yelling all the time, I hate doing it, and I know she doesn't like it either. The last thing I'd ever want is for her to be afraid of me.
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You said she's been with you for two months. That's not very long; you are both still adjusting to the new living arrangement and that's just gonna take time. She is probably trying to determine where she fits in in your life. I'm not sure why she is just now coming to stay with you, but she may be feeling insecure and think that you might send her away somewhere else too. She may even be seeing how far she can push before you get mad and send her away. Testing the water, so to speak. Kids have some pretty deep thoughts sometimes! Let her know that you love her no matter what, but there are rules that have to be followed. And look into a single parent support group for yourself!

You say she is starting to have problems paying attention at school. Try to set aside a half hour or so each day to sit together and read, do a puzzle, cook dinner, do dishes, etc. Something so that you are both spending constructive time together without any distractions (i.e. TV). How about weekends? If she's with you, try to hit up some fun but educational places like the Calvert Marine Museum, St. Mary's City, Battle Creek Nature Center, etc.
 
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dontknowwhy

New Member
Pete said:
Damn, you mean all this time I have been tasing Boy I was wrong?
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LMAO!!...i actually did this!!!...then the lil SOB got me back early 1 mornin while I was still asleep!!...he is one of my closest friends & we love each other very much...but we had a Bart & Homer relationship.
 
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