Ok, he's a genius!
- Thread starter limblips
- Start date
Electric Deer stand. He has enough power lines nearby.
Kyle
Beloved Misanthrope
That line might be a little too hot for his radio and cup warmer.
GopherM
Darwin was right
Last weekend, I made the brilliant decision to buy my wife a 100,000-volt pocket-sized Taser for her safety. Seems reasonable, right? What could go wrong?
Let me tell you a tale...
I brought the Taser home, loaded it with two AAA batteries, and was disappointed when pushing the button didn’t do anything. A quick read of the instructions told me to press it against a metal surface for a blue arc of electricity. Cool, right? It worked. (Apologies to Dana for the burn mark on the microwave.)
Now, as a responsible husband, I thought: "I should test this thing to be sure it’s effective before handing it to my wife." My cat Leo, watching with wide-eyed curiosity, briefly crossed my mind as a test subject, but I love him too much for that (don’t worry, Leo). So naturally, I decided to test it on myself.
I sat in my recliner, wearing a singlet and shorts, and carefully read the directions.
1-second burst: mild shock and disorientation.
2-second burst: muscle spasms and loss of control.
3-second burst: full-on fish-out-of-water flopping.
“It’s just two AAA batteries,” I thought. How bad could it be? Famous last words.
I touched the prongs to my thigh and pressed the button.
What followed can only be described as an out-of-body experience. I’m pretty sure the gates of heaven briefly opened. Hulk Hogan definitely body-slammed me, recliner and all. I woke up in the fetal position, drenched in sweat, with my body convulsing like I’d been plugged into a power grid.
Highlights of my post-shock survey:
The recliner was upside down and 8 feet away.
My cat was clinging to the fireplace mantle, meowing like a banshee.
My reading glasses had taken up residence on the TV.
Both nipples, my right thigh, and my pride were twitching uncontrollably.
Drooling was my new normal, and I might have lost control of... other bodily functions.
Oh, and my testicles? They still haven’t been located. Reward offered.
Dana? She laughed until tears ran down her face, absolutely loved the gift, and now wields it as a threat in our household.
Moral of the story: Don’t test a Taser on yourself. Ever. For any reason.
Let me tell you a tale...
I brought the Taser home, loaded it with two AAA batteries, and was disappointed when pushing the button didn’t do anything. A quick read of the instructions told me to press it against a metal surface for a blue arc of electricity. Cool, right? It worked. (Apologies to Dana for the burn mark on the microwave.)
Now, as a responsible husband, I thought: "I should test this thing to be sure it’s effective before handing it to my wife." My cat Leo, watching with wide-eyed curiosity, briefly crossed my mind as a test subject, but I love him too much for that (don’t worry, Leo). So naturally, I decided to test it on myself.
I sat in my recliner, wearing a singlet and shorts, and carefully read the directions.
1-second burst: mild shock and disorientation.
2-second burst: muscle spasms and loss of control.
3-second burst: full-on fish-out-of-water flopping.
“It’s just two AAA batteries,” I thought. How bad could it be? Famous last words.
I touched the prongs to my thigh and pressed the button.
What followed can only be described as an out-of-body experience. I’m pretty sure the gates of heaven briefly opened. Hulk Hogan definitely body-slammed me, recliner and all. I woke up in the fetal position, drenched in sweat, with my body convulsing like I’d been plugged into a power grid.
Highlights of my post-shock survey:
The recliner was upside down and 8 feet away.
My cat was clinging to the fireplace mantle, meowing like a banshee.
My reading glasses had taken up residence on the TV.
Both nipples, my right thigh, and my pride were twitching uncontrollably.
Drooling was my new normal, and I might have lost control of... other bodily functions.
Oh, and my testicles? They still haven’t been located. Reward offered.
Dana? She laughed until tears ran down her face, absolutely loved the gift, and now wields it as a threat in our household.
Moral of the story: Don’t test a Taser on yourself. Ever. For any reason.
A senior lady was running late for bingo and driving 65 in a 40 mph zone when a cop pulled her over.
“Ma’am, may I see your license?” he asked.
She calmly replied, “Sorry, officer, I had it revoked two years ago for drunk driving.”
The officer frowned. “Then can I see your registration?”
She said, “I stole this car… and the owner is dead in the trunk.”
The officer shouted, “Ma’am, DON’T MOVE!” and called for backup. Minutes later, the Chief of Police arrived with half the squad.
“Ma’am, may I see your license?” the Chief demanded.
“Of course, officer,” she smiled sweetly and handed it over. It was perfectly valid.
“Can I see the registration?” he pressed. She reached into the glove box and produced it - also a legitimate document.
Finally, the Chief ordered the trunk opened… and it was completely empty.
The woman turned, pointed her finger at the first cop, and said,
“And I’ll bet this darn liar told you I was speeding too!”
“Ma’am, may I see your license?” he asked.
She calmly replied, “Sorry, officer, I had it revoked two years ago for drunk driving.”
The officer frowned. “Then can I see your registration?”
She said, “I stole this car… and the owner is dead in the trunk.”
The officer shouted, “Ma’am, DON’T MOVE!” and called for backup. Minutes later, the Chief of Police arrived with half the squad.
“Ma’am, may I see your license?” the Chief demanded.
“Of course, officer,” she smiled sweetly and handed it over. It was perfectly valid.
“Can I see the registration?” he pressed. She reached into the glove box and produced it - also a legitimate document.
Finally, the Chief ordered the trunk opened… and it was completely empty.
The woman turned, pointed her finger at the first cop, and said,
“And I’ll bet this darn liar told you I was speeding too!”
Underestimating us seniors will bite you in the a$$!
GopherM
Darwin was right
My late grandmother (in her 80s at the time) was returning home from a night at bingo. A police officer was right on her tail as she approached a traffic light that was just turning red, so she ran it. The Popo pulled her over and asked her if she had seen the red light. She said she sure had, but some SOB was right on her bumper, and she was afraid they would hit her if she tried to stop. He broke out laughing and told her to go ahead and head on her way.
