Party Etiquette

[sockgirl77]

Over the past year I have been invited to 5 parties that would have required me to spend money to attend. The first was a baby shower that specified for you to bring a dish. In fact, the person being showered asked it several times on the Facebook event that was created for it. The second was a birthday party for a 13 year old at Golden Corral. The mother invited me and my 3 children then specified that we would have to pay for our own food. The third was a 40th birthday party for the 13 year old's father from the second party. This was held at a VFW and asked for the attendees to bring a dish. This also had a cash bar. The fourth was a 17 year old's birthday/graduation party (coincidentally, the same girl that the baby shower was being held for). This was at Golden Corral and I would have been expected to pay for my own meal. And now, the last, the 17 year old's baby's first birthday party. It is being held at a park. Once again, we are being asked to bring a dish.

I opted out of the fourth, but am obligated to go to the fifth.

Is this just the norm now? I've never had a party that I expected anyone to bring a dish. I've never had a party at a restaurant that I didn't foot the bill for. I can understand BYOB or a cash bar if you're having something at a bar, but asking guests to pay for the food seems rude to me. I've had a few people go as far as texting to see what I was bringing.

Or am I way off by thinking that this is rude?

Here's another one, gifts. Is it considered rude to show up at a birthday party or even a wedding without bringing a gift or even so much as a card? Or is this the norm too? I've had both happen recently. I understand that some people just do not have the money to buy gifts, but a card would suffice. However, we had wedding attendees that did not even bring a card. Same goes for my son's last birthday party. Add that to the people that did not show up after they RSVP'd and I am just disappointed at what people are passing off as acceptable party etiquette. Do people not realize that most wedding caterers charge per plate and that is paid for before the wedding?

Rant over. I'd just really like some input on this. It's been bugging me for awhile, but I just do not want to continue to think that these people are rude if it's just me being over-sensitive.

 

[sockgirl77]

Six. Add a bridal shower that I forgot. That one asked you to bring a dish as well. I opted not to attend that one either.

 

[SamSpade]

I have to admit I have opted out completely from birthday parties for my children when they really don't know the kid all that well, and it's just an obvious ploy for presents.
And for ones they do know, I only feel an obligation to provide a present when it's clear the parents themselves have spent some money that I will be benefiting from (e.g. child has a party, grown ups eat a few bushels of crabs).

I generally think that for a baby shower or bridal shower - if you go, you're bringing a gift, since that's sort of the point.
If it's a wedding, you should bring something but only if they are young and it's their first wedding, on the premise that they probably don't have a lot of stuff. Nowadays with kids moving in early together, that's probably no longer the case, but it's still a good bet there's a lot of wedding stuff they did NOT buy for themselves, like china or serving dishes.

Anything else, I use my own judgment but I consider it tacky to expect strangers or near strangers to bankroll your event.

 

[sockgirl77]

I have to admit I have opted out completely from birthday parties for my children when they really don't know the kid all that well, and it's just an obvious ploy for presents.
And for ones they do know, I only feel an obligation to provide a present when it's clear the parents themselves have spent some money that I will be benefiting from (e.g. child has a party, grown ups eat a few bushels of crabs).

I generally think that for a baby shower or bridal shower - if you go, you're bringing a gift, since that's sort of the point.
If it's a wedding, you should bring something but only if they are young and it's their first wedding, on the premise that they probably don't have a lot of stuff. Nowadays with kids moving in early together, that's probably no longer the case, but it's still a good bet there's a lot of wedding stuff they did NOT buy for themselves, like china or serving dishes.

Anything else, I use my own judgment but I consider it tacky to expect strangers or near strangers to bankroll your event.

We registered two different places. I think we got 3 things total of of the 50 that we registered for. No biggie. We've both been married and independent adults for 20 years. A sweet card would have been nice. Honestly, my favorite present that we received was a journal full of love quote and marital advice from a fellow forum member. And then...there were the "WTF" gifts. Air horns? Redneck shot glass holder? 12 bridal picture frames. We giggled last night as we went through the rest of the presents that we placed in the "return" and "yard sale" piles. We received a few handmade items that more than made up for the lack of registry items. Those are the ones that I cherish.

 

[SamSpade]

We registered two different places. I think we got 3 things total of of the 50 that we registered for. No biggie. We've both been married and independent adults for 20 years. A sweet card would have been nice. Honestly, my favorite present that we received was a journal full of love quote and marital advice from a fellow forum member. And then...there were the "WTF" gifts. Air horns? Redneck shot glass holder? 12 bridal picture frames. We giggled last night as we went through the rest of the presents that we placed in the "return" and "yard sale" piles. We received a few handmade items that more than made up for the lack of registry items. Those are the ones that I cherish.

I got married for the first time late in life - my wife had been married before. So we really didn't need the "starter" stuff most newlyweds get. On the other hand, we had to pay for our own wedding and reception, so we did appreciate all of the gift cars the most. When we adopted our first child, we got a number of gifts but we didn't have a baby shower to get them. I guess I consider asking for gifts a little gauche, but I'm not used to the idea.

We did get a few wedding gifts that we have never figured out how to use, and 13 years later, they're still mostly unwrapped and in the hall closet. We did "re-gift" one of them for someone where we went, but we made sure it wasn't something THEY gave us or from someone they knew. I think it was a fancy cake tray.

 

[sockgirl77]

I got married for the first time late in life - my wife had been married before. So we really didn't need the "starter" stuff most newlyweds get. On the other hand, we had to pay for our own wedding and reception, so we did appreciate all of the gift cars the most. When we adopted our first child, we got a number of gifts but we didn't have a baby shower to get them. I guess I consider asking for gifts a little gauche, but I'm not used to the idea.

We did get a few wedding gifts that we have never figured out how to use, and 13 years later, they're still mostly unwrapped and in the hall closet. We did "re-gift" one of them for someone where we went, but we made sure it wasn't something THEY gave us or from someone they knew. I think it was a fancy cake tray.

I have already donated one and re-gifted one. There are 4 or 5 in the yard sale pile that are from out-of-state relatives. There were a few really need kitchen gadgets that I'm trying to find room for. I can't wait to use my breakfast sandwich maker.

 

[kom526]

Miss Manners would DESTROY these party "hosts". You don't have a child's birthday party at Golden Corral. EVER. PERIOD. END. OF. DISCUSSION. The very concept of this idea is enough to make Jeff Foxworthy and Larry the Cable guy to retire from redneck comedy.

 

[sockgirl77]

Miss Manners would DESTROY these party "hosts". You don't have a child's birthday party at Golden Corral. EVER. PERIOD. END. OF. DISCUSSION. The very concept of this idea is enough to make Jeff Foxworthy and Larry the Cable guy to retire from redneck comedy.

 

[Gilligan]

Miss Manners would DESTROY these party "hosts". You don't have a child's birthday party at Golden Corral. EVER. PERIOD. END. OF. DISCUSSION. The very concept of this idea is enough to make Jeff Foxworthy and Larry the Cable guy to retire from redneck comedy.

But...but..the chocolate fountain...what about that?

 

[sockgirl77]

But...but..the chocolate fountain...what about that?

Chocolate fountains are sooooooooooooooooo last year. We had a cotton candy machine and moonshine.

 

[RoseRed]

Miss Manners would DESTROY these party "hosts". You don't have a child's birthday party at Golden Corral. EVER. PERIOD. END. OF. DISCUSSION. The very concept of this idea is enough to make Jeff Foxworthy and Larry the Cable guy to retire from redneck comedy.

 

[Clem72]

. I guess I consider asking for gifts a little gauche, but I'm not used to the idea.

Think I am in the same boat. When I got married (mid thirties) we explicitly asked people not to bring gifts or give money. We also paid for the tux rentals and bridesmaids dresses.

I don't think a party should have a cover charge, but I think the pot luck thing is perfectly fine. Especially if the person throwing the party is strapped for cash.

Of course the alternative could be that all your friends and family know you are the curmudgeon that never goes to parties unless everything is free.

 

[Clem72]

Miss Manners would DESTROY these party "hosts". You don't have a child's birthday party at Golden Corral. EVER. PERIOD. END. OF. DISCUSSION. The very concept of this idea is enough to make Jeff Foxworthy and Larry the Cable guy to retire from redneck comedy.

Had a few of the kids parties at Chuck-E-Cheese, where we bought pizzas and provided $10 in tokens for each kid. We also rented the party room in a roller rink a couple of times and paid for admission/food. But if I couldn't afford that, and I still wanted my kids to have a good time with their friends, I think a big cake/ice cream and a pot luck in a park should be fine. But Golden Corral is ridiculous.

 

[RoseRed]

We held a couple of birthday parties at HyperSpace way back when. Provided the snacks, cake, ice cream, and tokens for the game room. When I bought my house, I held Bug's parties at home and they all got to swim in the pool. I provided the food, cake and ice cream. They would have sleepovers and bonfires.


Don't get me started on having to provide party bags for all the guests! WTF came up with that idea!?!

 

[sockgirl77]

We held a couple of birthday parties at HyperSpace way back when. Provided the snacks, cake, ice cream, and tokens for the game room. When I bought my house, I held Bug's parties at home and they all got to swim in the pool. I provided the food, cake and ice cream. They would have sleepovers and bonfires.


Don't get me started on having to provide party bags for all the guests! WTF came up with that idea!?!

We stick to just the basics now. We just do cake with the grandparents and siblings. Due to the army that we are currently feeding, that's enough.

 

[RoseRed]

We stick to just the basics now. We just do cake with the grandparents and siblings. Due to the army that we are currently feeding, that's enough.

I've got you beat. I do nothing!

 

[RareBreed]

We stick to just the basics now. We just do cake with the grandparents and siblings. Due to the army that we are currently feeding, that's enough.

We have done that for years. After several birthdays where the boys would invite 30 of their "closest" friends and only 5 would show up, they decided that they'd rather just have cake and ice cream with family. Also not hosting birthday parties got us out of being invited to other's birthday parties. Win Win for us!

 

[RoseRed]

On another note...

I have only hosted a couple of house parties. I usually provide burgers and dogs and others are free to bring a side, or not. I'll have sodas and such, but its a BYOB type of thing.

I was invited to and attended a friends 4th of July party. I asked her what I could bring, she said nothing! I told her I would bring a side of some sort and she told me it wasn't necessary. So I asked if I could bring sweet corn, then she said yes! She forgot to buy that. (this was the morning of the event) So that was my contribution.

 

[vraiblonde]

Topic #1:

I have thrown a large number of pot luck dinner parties over the years, asking guests to bring a dish if they wanted, or just bring themselves and that would be fine. I have also thrown quite a few planned menu parties as well - as in, do not bring anything other than yourself because I have a specific menu going on. But I've never had anyone complain about being asked to bring a dish. Typically they argue with me when I ask them *not* to contribute to the food.

Topic #2:

What's with all the birthday party hate? If your child is invited to a birthday party of a child he doesn't know/like, that means bday kid's Mommy made him invite your kid. Probably didn't want your child to feel left out, which was very nice of her and no reason for you to be mean in return. It's unlikely they're merely fishing for presents because I know no parents who want their child to have more crap laying around.

Topic #3:

I think it's fairly normal to have a restaurant gathering of friends, even for a specific celebration, and everyone pays for their own meal.

Topic #4:

No, it is not rude to show up to a party or a wedding without a gift. Gifts are just that: gifts. Otherwise they would be called "expecteds" or "requirements". I find it hilarious that you are complaining about gifting others in the same breath you are complaining that people didn't gift you.

Topic #5:

RSVPs are something else entirely, especially when your host will be shelling out money in advance to feed you. If you RSVP and don't show up, you suck and should beat yourself with a chain. If you do not RSVP and show up anyway, your host should kick you right straight back out and never speak to your sorry ass again.

In conclusion:

When you are invited to a party or gathering, go if you want, don't if you don't. If it's going to give you heartburn to pay for your own meal or bring a dish, simply RSVP in the negative. If you don't want to come up with a present, nor do you want to show up empty handed, politely decline the invitation. It's that simple.

 

[sockgirl77]

Topic #1:

I have thrown a large number of pot luck dinner parties over the years, asking guests to bring a dish if they wanted, or just bring themselves and that would be fine. I have also thrown quite a few planned menu parties as well - as in, do not bring anything other than yourself because I have a specific menu going on. But I've never had anyone complain about being asked to bring a dish. Typically they argue with me when I ask them *not* to contribute to the food.

There's a difference between a potluck dinner and a birthday party or even a bridal/baby shower.
Topic #2:

What's with all the birthday party hate? If your child is invited to a birthday party of a child he doesn't know/like, that means bday kid's Mommy made him invite your kid. Probably didn't want your child to feel left out, which was very nice of her and no reason for you to be mean in return. It's unlikely they're merely fishing for presents because I know no parents who want their child to have more crap laying around.

Who said that my child was invited to birthday party of a child that he doesn't know/like? If you read my post then you'd clearly see that I obviously knew the child's parents as well.
Topic #3:

I think it's fairly normal to have a restaurant gathering of friends, even for a specific celebration, and everyone pays for their own meal.

And I think that it's fairly rude.
Topic #4:

No, it is not rude to show up to a party or a wedding without a gift. Gifts are just that: gifts. Otherwise they would be called "expecteds" or "requirements". I find it hilarious that you are complaining about gifting others in the same breath you are complaining that people didn't gift you.

I would not show up at a wedding or a birthday party empty handed. Where do you see me complaining about gifting anyone? Are you drinking a little early today?
Topic #5:

RSVPs are something else entirely, especially when your host will be shelling out money in advance to feed you. If you RSVP and don't show up, you suck and should beat yourself with a chain. If you do not RSVP and show up anyway, your host should kick you right straight back out and never speak to your sorry ass again.

In conclusion:

When you are invited to a party or gathering, go if you want, don't if you don't. If it's going to give you heartburn to pay for your own meal or bring a dish, simply RSVP in the negative. If you don't want to come up with a present, nor do you want to show up empty handed, politely decline the invitation. It's that simple.

Answers in red.