I cannot in good conscience support my friend making poor decisions and hosing up her life. If that results in the loss of friendship, good riddance. Who needs that drama?
Please help me convince a friend...
- Thread starter nachomama
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I cannot in good conscience support my friend making poor decisions and hosing up her life. If that results in the loss of friendship, good riddance. Who needs that drama?
Baja28
Obama destroyed America
YOU BITCH!!Hello there!
Please help me convince a friend she needs to dump her scumbag boyfriend.
She's been dating this guy for about 4 years or so. He was unemployed for about half of this time. He finally got a halfway decent job working nights. During the time he was unemployed and working a minimum wage job, she was the sole supporter of their household. He didn't pay any household bills (they were living together).
Anyway, he got a decent job and started paying utilities. She was still carrying the rest of the bills (mortgage, food, cars, etc.). He always said he could never give her any extra cash but he always found money to do what he wanted to do. A couple times the electric was about to get turned off and the satellite was actually turned off. She had to pay to get them up to date. A couple months ago she had decided she had had enough and kicked him out. He got his own place and is finally paying his own bills. She is still talking to him, and still giving him money, hoping they can reconcile. In my mind, he's a POS but she's my best friend and she loves him so I gotta tell her my feelings but support her at the same time.
Anyway, last week was Mother's Day. He took his mom, her and her mom to dinner. He told her that he had a $900 boat bill to pay to get his boat fixed so he was going to need her help with dinner. She paid for her and her mom; he paid for him and his mom.
The other night, he got off work early. Instead of coming to see her, he decided to go to a local bar and hang out with some of his female "friends". She insists there's nothing going on there, but he has a night off from his job and instead of going to see her, he goes out to a bar.
She has bailed this guy out so many fricken times that it blows my mind. I'm trying to tell her that on top of everything else - sticking her with all the bills, doing what he wanted while she works two jobs to pay the bills, he buys what he wants when he wants, and instead of paying her money back that he's "borrowed" from her, he gets his boat fixed and then tells her she needs to pay for her own Mother's Day meal. The bar story was enough to make me lose it. I wanted to call this ahole up and tell him to go eff himself.
What say you? Should she dump this jerk or keep on taking his crap in hopes he will "get it" one day?
Help me to convince her that she's got to get rid of the crap. He's only holding her back and I need for her to see what other people think - without going too into detail about their personal life (which is a literal soap opera). I would post this on facebook but a lot of my friends would know exactly who I'm talking about.
Really D, really?? Posting my personal life on this forum?? Who are you to judge me? Mind your own friggin business. Her mom (aka: The Cruise Ship) ordered the freakin surf & turf where my mom just had a salad! Then The Cruise Ship had the $7.50 dessert! That's why I couldn't afford the whole dinner.
As for the electric, SHE is the one with all the curling irons and hair dryers. I hardly use any electricity. She loves that boat and we don't watch TV anyway!
I suppose you don't have male friends????
I had a tough day at work and needed a few beers. I made it up to her when I got home (trust me) 
she was one satisfied woman. I have news for you Miss Busy Body, I am moving back in with her next weekend and I'd appreciate it if you'd not come over. She's even paying the movers!
We are plenty happy without you and I will order her not to talk to you anymore!
Dakota
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I can see Zara's view and yours. It depends what it is... I refuse to sit and watch somebody drink themselves to death or continue in an abusive relationship.... because you can only handle sitting on the sidelines of that for so long before you have to run away from it. And often, there is no rationalizing with those types of people. But when a friend chooses a partner or a friend I don't care for.... there are times it might be best to grin and tolerate it. Over the years, I've had friends & even family that my husband couldn't stand and it has been the other way around as well. Each one of us had to decide why to cut that out of our lives or just establish firm boundaries.
I had a close relative a few years back that was caught having an affair with a friend of mine. Of course, I've known this close relative all my life and just knew this person wasn't a good fit. I said something to my relative and the relative got super angry with me and told my friend what I said. What I said wasn't personal towards her because I would have said the same thing if this person on the side was a sibling of mine. I just wanted this person to think long and hard before tossing a marriage aside for something else that I didn't think would work out. I didn't think it would work out well and neither did my husband but he is more like Zara... just listen and say nothing. This relative now speaks to me again but is also very unhappy with the now "ex-friend" of mine. I think it is ignorant of those who have said afterwards to me that they didn't think it would work out but said nothing at the time it was going on. It made me feel as if I wasn't backed up at all.
Sometimes your intentions are good, maybe even based on your own experiences but knowing when to hold them or fold them can make or break a relationship. And when I use the word "relationship," I mean the on goings between people and it doesn't always have to be a male/female thing. Some people in the past seem confused when I use that word but I have a relationship with my husband, my sister, my dad, my friends... they are all relationships to me.
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It's not about the person simply being someone you don't care for, it's about someone who is detrimental to her wellbeing. If he's good to her and she's happy, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks and friends should butt out. But that's not what Nacho described. She described an abusive situation that the friend is not happy with, and that is when you speak out and support your friend by NOT supporting her stupid choices.
Think about that. By enabling the friend and blowing sunshine up her butt all you do is encourage the situation. She thinks, "well, it's not so bad....I'm probably overreacting...all relationships have problems...nothing's perfect..." You do your friend more of a service by letting her know that she doesn't deserve to be treated like that and this guy is a douche.
People are such cowards, I swear. Who sits by and watches their friend get abused without saying something?
Dakota
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I really could have benefited having somebody around with your same opinion with the relative situation (which is now a mentally abusive relationship) but I stood alone in that.... I learned a majority of people will run and hide... not step up to the plate and say anything. They don't want to hurt feelings or be involved.... And I was hoping that something I had to say would make a difference - give them something to think about. I knew where this situation was headed... it was more than just your run of the mill dislike but that gut feeling, the red flags... and the person being so wrapped up with the sex they weren't seeing it. It wasn't that I didn't like either as individuals but I didn't think a relationship between the 2 would work. I was right but I suffered in that decision. Should I have said anything at all? Is it the right thing to tell somebody close to you your opinion when you see that what is ahead is a train wreck in their lives?
And perhaps (and I've really thought about this issue a great deal) it is that most cannot take criticism, constructive criticism, and not cruel criticism without taking what you say personally. Now granted, sometimes we hear the opinions of another and may take them hard at first but eventually we realize the truth in it. Nope, I didn't have that with this relative right-a-way... it has taken a few years (2) for that person to understand I meant what I said constructively not destructively.
Now I don't know how I would react if this relative knocked on the door and wanted to talk about these deep matters (instead of the superficial conversations we have now) but I would hope I would be grown up enough to make a pot of coffee, pour a cup and have a chat without saying "I told you so..."
In this situation, I was the ONLY person to speak up. Everyone else just said it behind the person's back and I don't do well with that shiat. I think if you care about somebody - you say something!!! And why is it when it is done and over, people have the nerve to walk up to you and say things like.... "well... I didn't think that was going to work out well." And I'm like "WTF??? why didn't you say something at the time?"
Lately, what I held so firmly in belief has been met with doubt... meaning I believe you say something but now, I feel doubt... not so sure that is the best thing. Part of me thinks, maybe I should have said anything at all and I could just be one of those jerks who says "I didn't think that was going to work out well."
Yep. But you learn a lot about people you thought were friends because if they'll do that to someone else you can be damn sure they're doing it to you, too, and cannot be trusted.
ZARA
Registered User
When I was married to my first husband, my son’s dad, our relationship could have used A LOT of improvement. He was an alcoholic (in my eyes), verbally abusive, violent, controlling (at least he tried to be), and basically young dumb and full of… This did not make him a bad person, just Fing stupid.
We both had a lot of “friends & family” that gave “advice.” He got his from his buddies in the USMC, who were also young dumb and full of… Many of whom were machismo, chauvinistic and just stupid kids, like we were.
And I had my “friends” including my bio-mother, who I still had a tentative relationship with at the time that gave “advice.”
The advice our “well meaning friends” gave was advice we listened to whole heartedly because they were our friends and they had our best interests at heart…
The advice led us to divorce, 7?/8? years custody battle, and the hell we put our son through…
But our friends were happy because we followed their advice.
Fast forward a few years, Jason and I are good friends; we are very close and share our lives with one another as best friends do. We had a very long and hard heart to heart discussing everything we put each other and our son through. We discussed the “advice” our “friends” gave us.
During this conversation and listening to everything the “friends & family” said, not one gave positive advice on how to work through our problems. Every one said, “Oh she isn’t right for you, leave her.” And “He treats you like ####, leave him.” Great friends. We could have worked through our problems if the busy bodies had either stayed the f out of it or actually offered positive advice.
So..on my second serious relationship, when that SAME friend said I needed to leave my Beloved…I left her instead. My bio-mother was cut out of my life at the same time.
I learned to not meddle in other people’s lives because the decisions I make for MY LIFE may not be the right ones for someone else’s life. I offer positive advice when asked, but other than that I am a good friend and I just listen. My friends have brains and if they are not happy, it is their job to fix it. They are the ones that have to suffer the consequences of the decisions they make. My job is to be a positive influence in their life, a shoulder to cry on, a sounding board, or just to take them out so they can clear their minds for a while and forget their problems.
If someone is not a positive influence in my life, they do not remain in my life. And I hold true to the reverse. I will only be a positive influence in my friends life. If my friend is being beaten, I will show up with my steel toe boots, a metal baseball bat, and I will proceed to educate the physically abusive person on the importance being a positive influence.
We both had a lot of “friends & family” that gave “advice.” He got his from his buddies in the USMC, who were also young dumb and full of… Many of whom were machismo, chauvinistic and just stupid kids, like we were.
And I had my “friends” including my bio-mother, who I still had a tentative relationship with at the time that gave “advice.”
The advice our “well meaning friends” gave was advice we listened to whole heartedly because they were our friends and they had our best interests at heart…
The advice led us to divorce, 7?/8? years custody battle, and the hell we put our son through…
But our friends were happy because we followed their advice.
Fast forward a few years, Jason and I are good friends; we are very close and share our lives with one another as best friends do. We had a very long and hard heart to heart discussing everything we put each other and our son through. We discussed the “advice” our “friends” gave us.
During this conversation and listening to everything the “friends & family” said, not one gave positive advice on how to work through our problems. Every one said, “Oh she isn’t right for you, leave her.” And “He treats you like ####, leave him.” Great friends. We could have worked through our problems if the busy bodies had either stayed the f out of it or actually offered positive advice.
So..on my second serious relationship, when that SAME friend said I needed to leave my Beloved…I left her instead. My bio-mother was cut out of my life at the same time.
I learned to not meddle in other people’s lives because the decisions I make for MY LIFE may not be the right ones for someone else’s life. I offer positive advice when asked, but other than that I am a good friend and I just listen. My friends have brains and if they are not happy, it is their job to fix it. They are the ones that have to suffer the consequences of the decisions they make. My job is to be a positive influence in their life, a shoulder to cry on, a sounding board, or just to take them out so they can clear their minds for a while and forget their problems.
If someone is not a positive influence in my life, they do not remain in my life. And I hold true to the reverse. I will only be a positive influence in my friends life. If my friend is being beaten, I will show up with my steel toe boots, a metal baseball bat, and I will proceed to educate the physically abusive person on the importance being a positive influence.
All of the bold above!!!! She's afraid to kick him to the curb, because then she may not have anyone. Some people just can't do "alone". That said, try not to let yourself keep getting sucked into it.
any man rather than NO Man
Sounds like a great guy to me, sorry it didn't work out.
Basically, your friends and family voiced disapproval of you raising children with an abusive violent controlling alcoholic....and you resent them for it? Because perhaps you could have worked it out?
Friends are one thing, but you let some man put his hands on my daughter. "Meddling" is not even close to the right word for what my reaction would be. I would have that mother####er killed.
That's because all her other friends got tired of her drama and dumped her.
Dakota
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People talk... there is no way around that but something major, something so important... something that friend or family member discusses with you shouldn't (IMO) be a situation you just say nothing and listen to when you just might have some valuable input. When this relative told me what was going on and with whom, I didn't comment right away. I thought about it but went back later and had that conversation. I just really wanted this relative to slow down, stop for a minute, think about this without the influences of the relationship on the side... if that relationship on the side was meant to be after that was done, so be it... there was too much of a rush.
Ironically, fast forward 2 years later, those talking points ended up being something that has consumed this relative and the reason this relative isn't happy today. This relative left one relationship and jumped into something far worse.
OMG she can! She's got a lot going for her! She's pretty, she's got a great job, her own place, her own car, takes care of herself, he was breaking her financially and he's verbally abusive to her. He's a drunk, he's an overall POS. I really think her self esteem is so low that she doesn't think she can do better OR she thinks she can "save" him. :shrug:
I don't get it. He can't stand me and I can't stand him. She really has no one else she can confide in but me, but the more she tells me the more I despise him. I'm sure he has no idea she's told me half of what she's told me. She'll say she's had enough but he somehow swindles himself back into the picture. I guarantee if she could get him to marry her she would do it tomorrow. At least she hasn't let him move back in yet. YET.
I don't know. Maybe it's the sex.
I went back to this post, because these sentences seem conflicting to me.
If she would get him to marry her tomorrow, she cannot be tired of the situation. Additionally, he cannot be swindling himself back into the picture. She is a very willing party to this dance they are doing.
You can give her your opinion & tell her your feelings, but it is likely she will not pay much attention to either. He is not holding a gun to her head. Think about it. She's not ready to give up whatever she gets from this relationship.
ZARA
Registered User
He never once laid a hand on me. You assume too much. He has changed a lot from the person he use to be. I have changed a lot too.
He is an amazing dad and a great person. And had we had positive influences in our lives back then, maybe we could have changed and grew together.
Like My Beloved and I have since we got rid of the negative people that would try and live our lives for us.
I assumed nothing. I only repeated what you posted about him.
Beta84
They're out to get us
When a thread like this has to be made because of all the drama, that answers the question without needing to ask it. It might eventually "work out," which gives people hope to hang on, but there are plenty of other people who can also make you happy without the unnecessary drama. And don't forget, just because people may eventually "change" doesn't mean they'll never regress. It's not worth it. The whole "there's only one person out there for you" line is bull####. If they're not what you're looking for right then and there, you have your answer. 
Christy
b*tch rocket
You can't convince someone to end a relationship. Instead, let them be and don't ask or get involved in the drama.
I've learned in my old age that the need to get involved in other peoples lives is a pretty clear indication that you really don't have a sense of calm and control over your own life. People are going to do what they're going to do.
I do dumb #### all the time, and when its over me and my friends have a good laugh about it. I thank God every day that they aren't up my ass trying to make me do what they would do in any given situation.