Points To Ponder

[Otter]

Probably a repeat...but what the hey

1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can'teven get into my own pants.
2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bedwith a relative.
3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" onit. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.
4. I don't do drugs. I get the same effect juststanding up fast.
5. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get oneflea..."
6. I live in my own little world. But it's OK. Theyknow me here.
7. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted ascreamer or a moaner.
8. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airportthe terminal?
9. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen toomany of them get elected. 10. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours andS***head's.
11. I love being married. It's so great to find thatone special person you want to annoy for the rest ofyour life.
12. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, Iam perfect.
13. Everyday I beat my own previous record for numberof consecutive days I have stayed alive.
14. How come we choose from just two people to run forpresident and 50 for Miss America?
15. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurantlike having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
16. Why is it that most nudists are people you don'twant to see naked?
17. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
18. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hearMom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't knowwhere it's been!"
19. A good friend will come and bail you out ofjail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to yousaying, "Damn..that was fun!"
20. I signed up for an exercise class and was told towear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD anyloose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up inthe first place!
21. When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping,"now I just "chunky dunk."
22. The worst thing about accidents in the kitchen iseating them.
23. Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may notbe able to tell the difference.
24. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up ourlife we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and startall over?
25. Stress is when you wake up screaming and then yourealize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
26. My wife says I never listen to her (at least Ithink that's what she said). 27. Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd allfall off.
28. If raising children was going to be easy, it neverwould have started with something called LABOUR!
29. Wouldn't you know it...Brain cells come and braincells go, but FAT cells live forever.

 

[justhangn]

Seen on a shirt..............

I love BUSH!!!!!!!!!!!


but shaved is fine too

 

[Otter]

You might be a redneck Jedi if ..............

You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."

Your Jedi robe is camouflage.

You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.

At least one wing of your X-Wing Fighter is primer colored.

You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.

You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.

The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.

Wookies are offended by your B.O.

You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.

You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.

Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot."

You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.

You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.

You ever fantasized about Princess Leia wearingDaisy Duke shorts.

You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.

Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.

You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.

You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.

You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.

You use the Force's ability to see distant things and places to watch pro wrestling.

Your blaster weapon is double-barreled and sawed-off.

Your tunic has "Pabst Blue Ribbon" printed on the back.

You have more notches on your light sabre's handle than teeth in your head.

You stop on your way to Mos Eisley to pick up roadkill.

Yoda had you levitating broken refrigerators during training.

You walk out of the cantina because they ain't playin' Lynrd Skynrd.

Using the Force on the weak-minded makes you forget where you are and what you're doing.

If at least one widow of that X-wing fighter is made of a Hefty Bag and duct tape.

You find out Leia's your sister, AND IT DON'T MATTER!!!

You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca. And her name is Loretta.

If you have a "Forget? HELL NO!" bumpersticker on the back of your X-wing.

If you've ever used your light saber to pick a bit of chewing tobacco out of your teeth.

If your Momma looks like Yoda.

Your lightsaber is made of two Budwieser cans held together with duct tape.

Your lightsaber has a lawnmower pull handle to start it.

You singe the hair off your forearm after sharpening your lightsaber.

If your arch nemesis is named "Darth Bubba".

You brought a beer to an audience with the Emperor.

You refer to Imperial Stormtroopers as "those damnyankees."

You've ever done a "bootlegger's reverse" in your X-Wing while dogfighting a TIE Fighter...

You use the Millenium Falcon's main sensor dish to pick up the Fishin' Channel.

If you hear . . . "Luke, I am your father ... and your uncle ...your cousin ...... "