I had a close friend from my high school days pass away last week. 60 years old. Never married. Lived alone. He grew up in New Jersey. Sometime after high school he took a several week road trip with 2 friends. They crisscrossed the US. Somehow he liked the Arizona vibe and 1 day just upped and moved.
Just before he moved he was out at the bar with his friends. Doing something they had done many times before over the years. Mid beer Paul looks at his friends and say "I gotta get out of here". His friends were like, where do you want to go? A different bar? He said no, I have to get out of NJ. Get out of this rut of a live of doing the same things. So he moved to Tucson and spent the last 30 years there.
We grew apart as jobs and girl friends vied for our free time. By the time I joined the Navy we barely ran into each other even though we grew up on the same street a few doors down from each other. His family sold their home and moved away. Then decades later we reconnect through Facebook. Sound familiar? Happens all the time.
So we talked on the phone and got caught on 30+ years of adventures. For several years we spoke probably about once a week. 3 years ago I flew to Arizona to spend some time with him. It was good getting caught up. He runs an online business from his home. Orders go through the website. Once the payment cleared he created the ordered items. He had dozens of testimonials from past customers. That was 1 thing he prided himself on, his satisfied customers. He was proud of the small business he built. It paid the bills and for his the best part was he didn't have a boss to answer to. Prior to that he was in corrections working with parolees and community service people.
His deal for fitness was his rowing machine. He'd row 6 days a week. Some days he'd row for up to an hour. Anyway at some point he hurt his back. Most likely from the rowing. He gets major back surgery. He emailed me a picture of his x-ray with all the nuts and bolt around his spine. It looked like a step ladder. About a year after the surgery the back is again causing issues. So it's the pill route to quell the pain. Then the stomach issues start. More pills. But the pain remains. Now doctor visits are a weekly occurance. Tests and more tests. Meanwhile my friend is getting frustrated. He eats less because the stomach issues get worse right after a meal. Some childhood friends are in the med field and convince him to return to NJ for more tests. They take out his gall bladder.
His mom and sister try to persued him to move home so they can be his support system. He didn't want to be a burden. And around this time his calls became less frequent. Even Vrai would mention that Paul hadn't called in a while. I'd call and leave a message. I sent facebook messages. But I got nothing back.
I set up a Facebook page for his business. After a while some customers would message me saying they left a message but didn't hear anything back. I didn't have a way to get in touch with his sister. I thought about having the police check up on him but didn't want to get into that level of involvement. This guy is pretty hard headed. I knew he was dealing with things and this was his way of handling it. Not bother anyone and just retreat into his home.
So after about maybe a year, I went on his facebook to see if there was any activity. He didn't acknowledge birthday wishes. I noticed 3 friends left messages saying they hadn't hear from him and reached out to talk or help if needed. I messaged those 3 people. I didn't know any of them but 1 girl knew my older brother. Anyway we messaged about the situation. But I personally didn't take any additional action. But it seems the 1 girl called and left a message.
3 weeks ago I get a call from Paul. He sounded awful. He confirmed what I thought about him just withdrawing from society to deal with his pain. He had been to the ER a dozen times. But he got no relief from the almost constant pain. He was miserable. He couldn't keep up with his business. Money got tight. More stress into an already stressful situation. I offered to go and help out. He was adamant that I not do that. He said he didn't want anyone to see him in that condition. He was down to about 130 pounds when he was 185 the last time I saw him. He didn't cut his hair for a year. His house was a mess. At than point I asked what I could do for him. He said that there wasn't anything anyone could do for him. He told me about his sister's offer to relocate him but stressed the part about not being a burden. I get that part.
I got a message from the gal that I messaged previous. She asked if he called me. She got through to him and encouraged him to call me since I was concerned about his well being. I told her that he did. Then it made sense that after a long absence he got in touch with me.
Then Sunday night I got a text from a distant friend from back home. He told me Paul had passed. Paul's sister let him know. Turns out he passed a few days before. Looking back the call from 3 weeks prior was a good bye call. For that I'm grateful.
The part I struggle with is should I have done more early on. 60 years old is quite young to basically give up on life. This was the kid that when we were 14-15 said we were going to move to Montana and live off the land. When I got to Montana in 2012, I called him and had him guess where I was. I was in the town of West Yellowstone, Montana and was standing right next to the town's sign. His dad would drop a bunch of us off at the state forest and we'd camp for the weekend. We all took pots from our mom's kitchens. Meals were mostly burgers & dogs over the fire. Somehow we managed to return from each trip more or less in 1 piece. I only wish we took pictures of those adventure of a bunch of city kids turned loose in the forests of NJ.
Just before he moved he was out at the bar with his friends. Doing something they had done many times before over the years. Mid beer Paul looks at his friends and say "I gotta get out of here". His friends were like, where do you want to go? A different bar? He said no, I have to get out of NJ. Get out of this rut of a live of doing the same things. So he moved to Tucson and spent the last 30 years there.
We grew apart as jobs and girl friends vied for our free time. By the time I joined the Navy we barely ran into each other even though we grew up on the same street a few doors down from each other. His family sold their home and moved away. Then decades later we reconnect through Facebook. Sound familiar? Happens all the time.
So we talked on the phone and got caught on 30+ years of adventures. For several years we spoke probably about once a week. 3 years ago I flew to Arizona to spend some time with him. It was good getting caught up. He runs an online business from his home. Orders go through the website. Once the payment cleared he created the ordered items. He had dozens of testimonials from past customers. That was 1 thing he prided himself on, his satisfied customers. He was proud of the small business he built. It paid the bills and for his the best part was he didn't have a boss to answer to. Prior to that he was in corrections working with parolees and community service people.
His deal for fitness was his rowing machine. He'd row 6 days a week. Some days he'd row for up to an hour. Anyway at some point he hurt his back. Most likely from the rowing. He gets major back surgery. He emailed me a picture of his x-ray with all the nuts and bolt around his spine. It looked like a step ladder. About a year after the surgery the back is again causing issues. So it's the pill route to quell the pain. Then the stomach issues start. More pills. But the pain remains. Now doctor visits are a weekly occurance. Tests and more tests. Meanwhile my friend is getting frustrated. He eats less because the stomach issues get worse right after a meal. Some childhood friends are in the med field and convince him to return to NJ for more tests. They take out his gall bladder.
His mom and sister try to persued him to move home so they can be his support system. He didn't want to be a burden. And around this time his calls became less frequent. Even Vrai would mention that Paul hadn't called in a while. I'd call and leave a message. I sent facebook messages. But I got nothing back.
I set up a Facebook page for his business. After a while some customers would message me saying they left a message but didn't hear anything back. I didn't have a way to get in touch with his sister. I thought about having the police check up on him but didn't want to get into that level of involvement. This guy is pretty hard headed. I knew he was dealing with things and this was his way of handling it. Not bother anyone and just retreat into his home.
So after about maybe a year, I went on his facebook to see if there was any activity. He didn't acknowledge birthday wishes. I noticed 3 friends left messages saying they hadn't hear from him and reached out to talk or help if needed. I messaged those 3 people. I didn't know any of them but 1 girl knew my older brother. Anyway we messaged about the situation. But I personally didn't take any additional action. But it seems the 1 girl called and left a message.
3 weeks ago I get a call from Paul. He sounded awful. He confirmed what I thought about him just withdrawing from society to deal with his pain. He had been to the ER a dozen times. But he got no relief from the almost constant pain. He was miserable. He couldn't keep up with his business. Money got tight. More stress into an already stressful situation. I offered to go and help out. He was adamant that I not do that. He said he didn't want anyone to see him in that condition. He was down to about 130 pounds when he was 185 the last time I saw him. He didn't cut his hair for a year. His house was a mess. At than point I asked what I could do for him. He said that there wasn't anything anyone could do for him. He told me about his sister's offer to relocate him but stressed the part about not being a burden. I get that part.
I got a message from the gal that I messaged previous. She asked if he called me. She got through to him and encouraged him to call me since I was concerned about his well being. I told her that he did. Then it made sense that after a long absence he got in touch with me.
Then Sunday night I got a text from a distant friend from back home. He told me Paul had passed. Paul's sister let him know. Turns out he passed a few days before. Looking back the call from 3 weeks prior was a good bye call. For that I'm grateful.
The part I struggle with is should I have done more early on. 60 years old is quite young to basically give up on life. This was the kid that when we were 14-15 said we were going to move to Montana and live off the land. When I got to Montana in 2012, I called him and had him guess where I was. I was in the town of West Yellowstone, Montana and was standing right next to the town's sign. His dad would drop a bunch of us off at the state forest and we'd camp for the weekend. We all took pots from our mom's kitchens. Meals were mostly burgers & dogs over the fire. Somehow we managed to return from each trip more or less in 1 piece. I only wish we took pictures of those adventure of a bunch of city kids turned loose in the forests of NJ.
You were a good friend to him. I'm sure he was more appreciative of that than you might ever know. I also believe that he cared enough for your friendship that he called you those 3 weeks before he passed. 
