Hey all, I wrote this while at work one day. I thought it would be fun to hear some snappy one-liners some of you might think of, so read on...
I’ll Be Dreamin’
By Victoria Willis
That fly hasn’t been back since I threatened it with the fly swatter. As I sat in my so-called office, quietly daydreaming, that putrid insect bravely whizzed past my nose and perched upon a stack of papers. But when I reached for the blue plastic fly swatter so I could squash the vile bug, he scrambled away. Saying that I hate flies is an understatement. I hate them more than liver and onions. I also hate co-workers that feel the need to tell me to wake up when I’m not sleeping. “Wake up!” someone will say in passing. “I’m not sleeping you freak. I’m plotting an extensive plan to staple you to the bulletin board along with every other smart a$$
with mindless, pointless quips so I can make an example out of you to get my point across that sometimes I just like to sit quietly and think. Now go mind your own business and don’t bother me again unless you require my assistance or blood is oozing out of my ears” is what I’m thinking, but instead I reply with, “and ruin my day?” Of course the other person gives a pity laugh and continues whatever path that brought him past my dwelling in the first place.
Why do people feel the need to say anything to you just because they feel awkward passing you and not saying something? When I’m sitting at my desk with my chin in my hand, my elbow propped on my knee and my eyes are blankly staring daydreaming of a place such as a nude beach in the Caribbean, sipping an ice-cold salty margarita served by a handsome steward named Pedro, I don’t like being interrupted by someone’s mindless observation just to have them robotically say, “wake up.” Maybe I should wear a hat that says, “I’m not sleeping. I’m happily thinking of somewhere other than this place. Leave me alone before I turn into one of those old ladies that chases imaginary birds out of her yard with an umbrella.” That would have to be a big hat. Probably one of those stove pipe hats Lincoln wore. Then if I wore the hat, I’d have to find the right shoes and a matching jacket and that’s too far to go just to make people aware that I amazingly don’t have the ability to sleep with my eyes open. So for now I suppose I’ll just continue to invent snappy one-liners like, “If I wake up then I’ll be forced into reality with you.” But later, right now that fly is back.
I’ll Be Dreamin’
By Victoria Willis
That fly hasn’t been back since I threatened it with the fly swatter. As I sat in my so-called office, quietly daydreaming, that putrid insect bravely whizzed past my nose and perched upon a stack of papers. But when I reached for the blue plastic fly swatter so I could squash the vile bug, he scrambled away. Saying that I hate flies is an understatement. I hate them more than liver and onions. I also hate co-workers that feel the need to tell me to wake up when I’m not sleeping. “Wake up!” someone will say in passing. “I’m not sleeping you freak. I’m plotting an extensive plan to staple you to the bulletin board along with every other smart a$$
with mindless, pointless quips so I can make an example out of you to get my point across that sometimes I just like to sit quietly and think. Now go mind your own business and don’t bother me again unless you require my assistance or blood is oozing out of my ears” is what I’m thinking, but instead I reply with, “and ruin my day?” Of course the other person gives a pity laugh and continues whatever path that brought him past my dwelling in the first place.
Why do people feel the need to say anything to you just because they feel awkward passing you and not saying something? When I’m sitting at my desk with my chin in my hand, my elbow propped on my knee and my eyes are blankly staring daydreaming of a place such as a nude beach in the Caribbean, sipping an ice-cold salty margarita served by a handsome steward named Pedro, I don’t like being interrupted by someone’s mindless observation just to have them robotically say, “wake up.” Maybe I should wear a hat that says, “I’m not sleeping. I’m happily thinking of somewhere other than this place. Leave me alone before I turn into one of those old ladies that chases imaginary birds out of her yard with an umbrella.” That would have to be a big hat. Probably one of those stove pipe hats Lincoln wore. Then if I wore the hat, I’d have to find the right shoes and a matching jacket and that’s too far to go just to make people aware that I amazingly don’t have the ability to sleep with my eyes open. So for now I suppose I’ll just continue to invent snappy one-liners like, “If I wake up then I’ll be forced into reality with you.” But later, right now that fly is back.
I love your writing, Vicki!