Step-Mommies

[vraiblonde]

http://www.geocities.com/histigerlily/youknew.html

Read that and read the two related articles at the end. It won't solve your problems, but it might make you feel a little better and less crazy.

 

[cattitude]

I am so very lucky. We've had bumps along the way, but the yours, mine and ours has worked well for us. My step-daughter is MY daughter and we are very close. My son and Otter have their moments, but my son is pig-headed. The kids were two and four when we met...maybe that was the key.

 

[vraiblonde]

I am so very lucky. We've had bumps along the way, but the yours, mine and ours has worked well for us. My step-daughter is MY daughter and we are very close. My son and Otter have their moments, but my son is pig-headed. The kids were two and four when we met...maybe that was the key.

My kids are close to Larry, but it's been an on-and-off thing between me and his kids. Until my own children grew up and moved out, yet still stayed in close contact with me, I was convinced that I was the worst abuser in the world and everybody I came into contact with couldn't wait to get away from me and never speak to me again.

It's a tightwire act, and I suck at it.

 

[Cowgirl]

Wow..that almost brought me to tears. I knew my BF had a son when I met him. We found out together that he also had a daughter (long story, but it was due to his cheating ex). Anyways, I have kinda been tossed into this whole motherhood thing. Luckily his children are very young (17 months and 3), so it helps. It also helps that his son doesn't remember daddy and mommy living together, so it's not like I 'replaced' her. Sometimes I question whether or not I should stay with my BF....but I love him dearly and could not imagine life without him. I know he's the man I want to marry, and I know I want to have kids of my own with him some day.

That brings up more worries for me though. If we get married and I have my own children with him, how will that change my thoughts of my 'stepchildren?' Will I be able to have time with him and my child alone to bond as a family? For him, the family will be wife and kids...but for me, it will be husband, kids, and stepkids. There are so many things that we can't predict...and I'm scared to death about that.

I am just glad I have a very supportive family. They are ready to listen when I need to vent, and give advice when I ask for it. My BF is also wonderfully supportive. He tells me I don't have to take such an active roll in his kids lives...but I couldn't just sit back and say "they're your kids, you take care of them." I want us all to be happy. I know I'm not their mother, and I will never try to be. I just hope to be a part of their lives.

Thanks for posting that Vrai.

 

[cattitude]

Will I be able to have time with him and my child alone to bond as a family?

As long as you look at it that way, it will never work.

 

[Cowgirl]

As long as you look at it that way, it will never work.

Well, there are some things that are still very confusing. On one side, there are people saying "you are not their mother, and never will be." And then there is the "you have to love them like your own children or else it won't work."


It's pretty confusing...especially since I don't already have my own children. I love his children, but I don't know if I love them like they are my own. It's hard to explain. I guess I won't really know until I do have my own children.

 

[vraiblonde]

Here's another good one:

http://www.geocities.com/histigerlily/disengage.html

I did this last year, much to the chagrin of the other parents involved. And I'm still not perfect - last night I snapped at Emilie for throwing Alex's digital camera on the floor (not my camera, not my kid, why did I give a crap?). Emilie gave me snotty 15 year old attitude, so I stormed upstairs, which prompted Larry to go down and rip into Em, who went on a weepfest about how evil I am and "not normal" (apparently nobody ever gets pissed at her except me, although I know for a fact that's not true).

Today she and Larry are out playing paintball and enjoying each other, while she and I will be avoiding each other for awhile. Because even though my snapping at her was rather brief and uneventful, Larry yelling at her was *my* fault and I am to blame for all the problems of the world.

 

[vraiblonde]

Well, there are some things that are still very confusing. On one side, there are people saying "you are not their mother, and never will be." And then there is the "you have to love them like your own children or else it won't work."

from me to you, Sis, because I know exactly what you're talking about.

Love them like your own and treat them like your own children, but you have no real authority over them and they (and their parents) will not hesitate to remind you of that should you forget.

but I couldn't just sit back and say "they're your kids, you take care of them."

Yes you can, but it's not easy - especially if you genuinely care about the children.

 

[vraiblonde]

I wish I'd read this 9 years ago:

http://www.geocities.com/coolsteppie/lifesaver.html

First, let me explain something. Even though it doesn't seem like it: our husbands actually find relief when we parent their children! What? Relief? Am I crazy?? They yell at us and call us mean and act like they resent us--how is that relief? It's relief because they don't have to be the bad guy parenting their kids--we are being the bad guy--which makes them the good guy AND their kids' behavior is getting dealt with! What a great situation for them because they also get to call us mean and further glorify their good guy position. We have placed them exactly where the want to be--but would never admit it!

 

[cattitude]

I wish I'd read this 9 years ago:

http://www.geocities.com/coolsteppie/lifesaver.html

But your issues are somewhat unique because you, as the step-mother, actually have the kids living with you most of the time. So you have to do the parenting.

I'm very laid back in my approach to raising kids. But I never thought of the children as his or mine...they were just our kids. I had rules and they applied to everyone. If you didn't like it, tough. They knew when I'd had enough. But I didn't try to control them and as they got older, we talked a lot..sometimes they rolled their eyes but now that they're older, I can see they were listening. Sometimes I wish I'd been a little tougher and maybe we could have avoided some of the big issues with the youngest, but I'm of the belief that some kids just have to find out for themselves and now, actually, they've all turned out rather well.

I didn't much argue with them. Sure, they biatched, whined, begged, pleaded, most often when I was at work. I would say my peace and tell them the conversation was over and hang up. Or if at home, I would tell them the same thing and walk away. Did they do bad things? Sure but not a whole lot worse than their father or I did.

Larry's girls are old enough now to let them go. If the screw up, they screw up. If they end up in jail, get pregnant or whatever...oh well. Sure, it will kill you but ain't much you can do about it really. And all you people with kids under the teen years..sure, it will never happen to your kids..that you will kick their ass, follow them, talk to parents okay..talk to me AFTER they're 21.

Kids are like a bank, you put your money into it and sometimes the interest isn't the greatest and your money ain't worth crap but eventually you get your return.

 

[vraiblonde]

But your issues are somewhat unique because you, as the step-mother, actually have the kids living with you ALL of the time. So you have to do the parenting.

:fixed:

They go with their mother very rarely now that she's moved in with her boyfriend. Which is fine, but goofs us up with regard to going away for a weekend because there's nobody to mind the girls while we're gone. The good news is I'm used to having full-time kids because my own children's father has always lived out of the state, so it's not that big a deal - just kind of extended a few more years.

 

[vraiblonde]

It also helps that his son doesn't remember daddy and mommy living together, so it's not like I 'replaced' her.

Em has no memory of her Mom and Dad living together - they divorced when she was barely 4. But she, now 15, has expressed several times that she wishes her Mom and Dad were back together. And sometimes I think, "Me too, kiddo - me too!"

 

[vraiblonde]

And, while I'm #####ing , something just occurred to me while I was in the shower:

Larry and Bebe Mama tell the girls frequently, when they're complaining about me, that they should be grateful for all I do for them and that they should respect me and realize that I'm only doing what I think is best for them, blah blah blah.

They do this right in front of me and it's always made me uncomfortable, but I could never pinpoint why. I mean, wouldn't any step-mom want the "support" of the bio parents?

The reason I don't like it is because it makes me feel like Medicine-Mommy. You know how when your kid is sick and you're trying to coax them into taking their penicillin, which tastes vile and the kid doesn't want to do it? You say, "It's going to help make you better again. Come on, it's not so bad. Please? Take it for Mommy/Daddy. It's the only way you'll get better. I'll give you a treat if you just take your medicine. See? Mommy's taking some - it's not so bad."

I feel like that medicine. Something vile and nasty that the parents want the kid to take so they'll get better.

 

[cattitude]

And, while I'm #####ing , something just occurred to me while I was in the shower:

Larry and Bebe Mama tell the girls frequently, when they're complaining about me, that they should be grateful for all I do for them and that they should respect me and realize that I'm only doing what I think is best for them, blah blah blah.

They do this right in front of me and it's always made me uncomfortable, but I could never pinpoint why. I mean, wouldn't any step-mom want the "support" of the bio parents?

The reason I don't like it is because it makes me feel like Medicine-Mommy. You know how when your kid is sick and you're trying to coax them into taking their penicillin, which tastes vile and the kid doesn't want to do it? You say, "It's going to help make you better again. Come on, it's not so bad. Please? Take it for Mommy/Daddy. It's the only way you'll get better. I'll give you a treat if you just take your medicine. See? Mommy's taking some - it's not so bad."

I feel like that medicine. Something vile and nasty that the parents want the kid to take so they'll get better.

You think too much. Just do what you do and be done with it and let them go a little.

 

[vraiblonde]

let them go a little.

The only way I could let them go any more is if I divorce their father and move into my own house.

 

[Dougstermd]

But the fact of the matter is that we did not choose the children, we chose him.

I do not agree with this totally. You choose him because who he is and his Kids are part of who he is. Step fathers and even boyfriends get the same flak that the stepmothers and girlfriends get. I think you guys are just looking for an excuse to be man hating today:shrug:

 

[K_Jo]

I love my step-kitty just as much as my biological kitty.

 

[K_Jo]

But the fact of the matter is that we did not choose the children, we chose him.

I do not agree with this totally. You choose him because who he is and his Kids are part of who he is. Step fathers and even boyfriends get the same flak that the stepmothers and girlfriends get. I think you guys are just looking for an excuse to be man hating today:shrug:

I don't hate men; I envy them.

 

[vraiblonde]

I think you guys are just looking for an excuse to be man hating today

Who was man hating?

 

[Nickel]

And all you people with kids under the teen years..sure, it will never happen to your kids..that you will kick their ass, follow them, talk to parents okay..talk to me AFTER they're 21.

I'm fully aware, because I was the golden child until I got pregnant at 19 and broke my momma's heart. Now I get to shake my head at my 20 year old brother while he acts like a numbnuts after being a fairly well behaved child. I figure mine will be the worst of them all.