These are real signs, observed all over:
At a Santa Fe gas station: "We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container."
In a New York restaurant: "Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager."
On the wall of a Baltimore estate: "Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law." --Sisters of Mercy
On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners: "38 years on the same spot."
In a Los Angeles dance hall: "Good clean dancing every night but Sunday."
In a Florida maternity ward: "No children allowed."
In a New York drugstore: "We dispense with accuracy."
In the offices of a loan company: "Ask about our plans for owning your home."
In a New York medical building: "Mental Health Prevention Center"
On a New York convalescent home: "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church."
On a Maine shop: "Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship."
At a number of military bases: "Restricted to unauthorized personnel."
On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards: "Now available in multi-packs."
In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: "Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work."
In a funeral parlor: "Ask about our layaway plan."
In a clothing store: "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."
In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: "15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!"
Outside a country shop: "We buy junk and sell antiques."
In the window of an Oregon store: "Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?"
In a Maine restaurant: "Open 7 days a week and weekends."
On a radiator repair garage: "Best place to take a leak."
In the vestry of a New England church: "Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished."
In a Pennsylvania cemetery: "Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves."
On a roller coaster: "Watch your head."
On the grounds of a public school: "No trespassing without permission."
On a Tennessee highway: "When this sign is under water, this road is impassable."
Similarly, in front of a New Hampshire car wash: "If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car."
In the front yard of a funeral home, "Drive carefully, we'll wait."
On an electrician's truck, "Let us remove your shorts."
Outside a radiator repair shop, "Best place in town to take a leak."
In a nonsmoking area, "If we see you smoking, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On a maternity room door, "Push, Push, Push."
On a front door, "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."
On a taxidermist's window, "We really know our stuff."
On a butcher's window, "Let me meat your needs."
On a fence, "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."
At a car dealership, "The best way to get back on your feet--miss a car payment."
Outside a muffler shop, "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."
In a dry cleaner's emporium, "Drop your pants here."
On a desk in a reception room, "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."
In a restaurant window, "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up."
Inside a bowling alley, "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."
In a cafeteria, "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want."
At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
On a scientist's door: "Gone Fission."
In a podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels."
At a used car lot: "Second hand cars in first crash condition."
Outside a hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."
At an auto body shop: "May we have the next dents?"
In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
On a music teacher's door: "Out Chopin."
At the electric company: "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."
In a beauty shop: "Dye now!"
On the side of a garbage truck: "We've got what it takes to take what you've got."
On the door of a computer store: "Out for a quick byte."
On the door of a music library: "Bach in a minuet."
In a counselor's office: "Growing old is mandatory. Growing wise is optional."
Bill's radiator shop: Best place in town to take a leak!
Sam's Meat Market: You can compare my prices, but you can't beat my meat.
Thomas, Barnes and Roberts divorce specialty law firm: She gets his assets, while his assets at home.
Roadway Asphalt Company: Let us asphalt your driveway, but if you don't like the job we do it's your own asphalt.
(
if some/all are duplicates. 
)
At a Santa Fe gas station: "We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container."
In a New York restaurant: "Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager."
On the wall of a Baltimore estate: "Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law." --Sisters of Mercy
On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners: "38 years on the same spot."
In a Los Angeles dance hall: "Good clean dancing every night but Sunday."
In a Florida maternity ward: "No children allowed."
In a New York drugstore: "We dispense with accuracy."
In the offices of a loan company: "Ask about our plans for owning your home."
In a New York medical building: "Mental Health Prevention Center"
On a New York convalescent home: "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church."
On a Maine shop: "Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship."
At a number of military bases: "Restricted to unauthorized personnel."
On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards: "Now available in multi-packs."
In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: "Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work."
In a funeral parlor: "Ask about our layaway plan."
In a clothing store: "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."
In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: "15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!"
Outside a country shop: "We buy junk and sell antiques."
In the window of an Oregon store: "Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?"
In a Maine restaurant: "Open 7 days a week and weekends."
On a radiator repair garage: "Best place to take a leak."
In the vestry of a New England church: "Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished."
In a Pennsylvania cemetery: "Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves."
On a roller coaster: "Watch your head."
On the grounds of a public school: "No trespassing without permission."
On a Tennessee highway: "When this sign is under water, this road is impassable."
Similarly, in front of a New Hampshire car wash: "If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car."
In the front yard of a funeral home, "Drive carefully, we'll wait."
On an electrician's truck, "Let us remove your shorts."
Outside a radiator repair shop, "Best place in town to take a leak."
In a nonsmoking area, "If we see you smoking, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On a maternity room door, "Push, Push, Push."
On a front door, "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."
On a taxidermist's window, "We really know our stuff."
On a butcher's window, "Let me meat your needs."
On a fence, "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."
At a car dealership, "The best way to get back on your feet--miss a car payment."
Outside a muffler shop, "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."
In a dry cleaner's emporium, "Drop your pants here."
On a desk in a reception room, "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."
In a restaurant window, "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up."
Inside a bowling alley, "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."
In a cafeteria, "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want."
At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
On a scientist's door: "Gone Fission."
In a podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels."
At a used car lot: "Second hand cars in first crash condition."
Outside a hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."
At an auto body shop: "May we have the next dents?"
In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
On a music teacher's door: "Out Chopin."
At the electric company: "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."
In a beauty shop: "Dye now!"
On the side of a garbage truck: "We've got what it takes to take what you've got."
On the door of a computer store: "Out for a quick byte."
On the door of a music library: "Bach in a minuet."
In a counselor's office: "Growing old is mandatory. Growing wise is optional."
Bill's radiator shop: Best place in town to take a leak!
Sam's Meat Market: You can compare my prices, but you can't beat my meat.
Thomas, Barnes and Roberts divorce specialty law firm: She gets his assets, while his assets at home.
Roadway Asphalt Company: Let us asphalt your driveway, but if you don't like the job we do it's your own asphalt.
(
if some/all are duplicates. )