FAIRFAX, VA. -- D.C. radio legends Don and Mike took each other's lives on the air this afternoon, consummating a spontaneous suicide pact following a lengthy, grueling installment of "Phone Scan" calls from listeners.
WJFK listeners hear Don exclaim, "Goddammit, I can't take it anymore!" followed by the cocking of a pistol. Then Mike interjected, in a tone of unearthly calm, "No, Don, this isn't the way. Let it be by the hairy hands of our idiot listeners." According to Rob Spiewak, the Radio Gods then took the studio's phone cords and wrapped them around each other's necks. The two gradually sank to the floor, he said, gurgling their last breaths.
"It was horrifying, but at the same time, kind of fun to watch," Spiewak said. "As they died, their faces took on looks of peaceful bliss. I'd like to think it was because their pain was finally over."
Buzz Burbank, also present at the demise, said he knew that Don and Mike's listeners would drive them to suicide some day. "Don's hair had turned snow white. And during breaks, Mike would twitch randomly and mumble the phrase 'Hank's Look-Around Cafe' over and over," he said. The show's budget for absinthe had ballooned to $20,000 a week, Burbank added.
Dr. Freddy "Mercury" Johnson, professor at the University of Maryland Gynecomastia Research Center, said the suicide was more proof of the dangerousness of fan obsession. A longtime Don and Mike listener himself, Johnson noticed that most callers exhibited a pathetic, unhealthy need for attention.
"They want to be on the air desperately. That's all they live for," Johnson said. "Ironically, winding up in 'The Book' is a badge of honor for them, not a mark of shame. Because of their desperation, two good men, nay, saints, are now worm food. They meant more to the human race than Mother Teresa or even Jesus Christ. I hope the fans rot in hell forever."
A wake will be held tomorrow afternoon at O'Mara's, according to Freda Sorce, now engaged to Joe Ardinger. WJFK is in talks with Jack Diamond and Larry King to take over the afternoon slot.
