Texans..

Otter

Otter

Nothing to see here
(didn't wade thru all the jokes, might be a repeat)

A Texas Tech graduate, a University of Texas grad and a Texas Aggie were
sitting in a bar in San Antonio. The view of the river was fantastic, the
beer was ice cold and the food exceptional.

"But," said the guy from Tech, "I still prefer the beer joints back in
Lubbock. There's one place where the owner goes out of his way for the
locals. When you buy 4 beers, he will buy the 5th."

The Longhorn said, "Well, at my local bar in Austin, the owner will buy your
3rd drink after you've bought 2."

"Hell, that's nothin'," the Aggie responded. "Back in College Station
there's this bar where the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you
a drink and keep them coming all night. Then when you've had enough to
drink, they take you upstairs and see that you get laid. And it's all on the
house."

The Red Raider and the Longhorn immediately doubted the Aggie's claims.

"And this actually happened to you?" asked the Tech grad.

"No, not myself personally," admitted the Aggie. "But it did happen to my
sister."
 
Otter

Otter

Nothing to see here
and some quotes...

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, "Lillian, you should
have remained a virgin."
- Lillian Carter

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased
to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against
a wall."
- Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I
have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that
statement.
- Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good
ending...and to have the two as close together as possible.
-George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce.
- Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you
get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then, she
stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante

The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness,
can be trained to do most things.
- Jilly Cooper

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups:
alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
- Alex Levine

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you
nothing. It was here first.
- Mark Twain

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
- Ed Furgol

Money can't buy you happiness...but it does bring you a more pleasant form
of misery.
- Spike Milligan

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.
- Henny Youngman

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was shut up.
- Joe Namath

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.
- Herbert Henry Asquith

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
- W.C. Fields

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way
through Congress.
- Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation...as you grow older, it will avoid
you.
- Winston Churchill

The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.
- Unknown

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go
anywhere.
- Billy Crystal
 
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