M
Mousebaby
Guest
Just in case any of you drop in for Thanksgiving
>>> dinner (all are
>>> welcome), I thought I should set a few guidelines.
>>> See below.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> Dear Guests at my Thanksgiving table:
>>> Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this
>>> Thanksgiving.
>>> I'm telling you in advance, so don't act surprised.
>>> Since Ms. Stewart won't be coming, I've made a few
>>> small
>>> changes: Our sidewalk will not be lined with
>>> homemade, paper bag
>>> luminaries. After a trial run, it was decided that
>>> no matter how
>>> cleverly done, rows of flaming lunch sacks do not
>>> have the desired
>> > welcoming effect.
>>> Once inside, our guests will note that the entry
>>> hall is not
>>> decorated with the swags of Indian corn and fall
>>> foliage I had planned
>>> to make. Instead, I've gotten the kids involved in
>>> the decorating by
>>> having them track in colorful autumn leaves from the
>>> front yard. The
>>> mud was their idea.
>>> The dining table will not be covered with
>>> expensive linens,
>>> fancy china, or crystal goblets. If possible, we
>>> will use dishes that
>>> match and everyone will get a fork. Since this IS
>>> Thanksgiving, we will
>>> refrain from using the plastic Peter Rabbit plate
>>> and the Santa napkins
>>> from last Christmas.
>>> Our centerpiece will not be the tower of fresh
>>> fruit and
>> > flowers that I promised. Instead we will be
>>> displaying a hedgehog-like
>>> decoration hand-crafted from the finest construction
>>> paper. The artist
>>> assures me it is a turkey.
>>> We will be dining fashionably late. The children
>>> will
>>> entertain you while you wait. I'm sure they will be
>>> happy to share
>>> every nice comment I have made regarding
>>> Thanksgiving, pilgrims and the
>>> turkey hotline. Please remember that most of these
>>> comments were made
>>> by me at 5:00 a.m. upon discovering that the turkey
>>> was still hard
>>> enough to cut diamonds. As accompaniment to the
>>> children's recital, I
>>> will play a recording of tribal drumming. If the
>>> children should
>>> mention that I don't own a recording of tribal
> ;>> drumming, or that tribal
>>> drumming sounds suspiciously like a frozen turkey in
>>> a clothes dryer,
>>> ignore them. They are lying.
>>> We toyed with the idea of ringing a dainty silver
>>> bell to
>>> announce the start of our feast. In the end, we
>>> chose to keep our
>>> traditional method. We've also decided against a
>>> formal seating
>>> arrangement. When the smoke alarm sounds, please
>>> gather around the
>>> table and sit where you like. In the spirit of
>>> harmony, we will ask the
>>> children to sit at a separate table. In a separate
>>> room. Next door.
>>> Now, I know you have all seen pictures of one
>>> person carving a
>>> turkey in front of a crowd of appreciative
>>> onlookers. This will not be
>>> happening at our dinner. For sanity safety reasons,
>>> the turkey will be
>>> carved in a private ceremony. I stress 'private',
>>> meaning: Do not,
>>> under any circumstances, enter the kitchen to laugh
>>> at me. Do not send
>>> small, unsuspecting children to check on my
>>> progress. I have an
>>> electric knife. The turkey is unarmed. It stands
>>> to reason that I will
>>> eventually win. When I do, we will eat.
>>> I would like to take this opportunity to remind my
>>> young diners
>>> (and any males present) that 'passing the rolls' is
>>> not a football play.
>>> Nor is it a request to bean your sister in the head
>>> with warm tasty
>>> bread. Oh, and one reminder for the adults: For
>>> the duration of the
>>> meal, and especially while in the presence of yo ung
>>> diners, we will
>>> refer to the giblet gravy by its lesser-known name:
>>> Cheese Sauce. If a
>>> young diner questions you regarding the origins or
>>> type of Cheese Sauce,
>>> plead ignorance.
>>> Before I forget, there is one last change.
>>> Instead of offering
>>> a choice between 12 different scrumptious homemade
>>> desserts, we will be
>>> serving the traditional pumpkin pie, garnished with
>>> whipped cream, small
>>> fingerprints, and broken crust. You will still have
>>> a choice; you may
>>> take it or leave it.
>>> Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this
>>> Thanksgiving.
>>> She probably won't come next year either. I am
>>> thankful.
>>> dinner (all are
>>> welcome), I thought I should set a few guidelines.
>>> See below.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> Dear Guests at my Thanksgiving table:
>>> Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this
>>> Thanksgiving.
>>> I'm telling you in advance, so don't act surprised.
>>> Since Ms. Stewart won't be coming, I've made a few
>>> small
>>> changes: Our sidewalk will not be lined with
>>> homemade, paper bag
>>> luminaries. After a trial run, it was decided that
>>> no matter how
>>> cleverly done, rows of flaming lunch sacks do not
>>> have the desired
>> > welcoming effect.
>>> Once inside, our guests will note that the entry
>>> hall is not
>>> decorated with the swags of Indian corn and fall
>>> foliage I had planned
>>> to make. Instead, I've gotten the kids involved in
>>> the decorating by
>>> having them track in colorful autumn leaves from the
>>> front yard. The
>>> mud was their idea.
>>> The dining table will not be covered with
>>> expensive linens,
>>> fancy china, or crystal goblets. If possible, we
>>> will use dishes that
>>> match and everyone will get a fork. Since this IS
>>> Thanksgiving, we will
>>> refrain from using the plastic Peter Rabbit plate
>>> and the Santa napkins
>>> from last Christmas.
>>> Our centerpiece will not be the tower of fresh
>>> fruit and
>> > flowers that I promised. Instead we will be
>>> displaying a hedgehog-like
>>> decoration hand-crafted from the finest construction
>>> paper. The artist
>>> assures me it is a turkey.
>>> We will be dining fashionably late. The children
>>> will
>>> entertain you while you wait. I'm sure they will be
>>> happy to share
>>> every nice comment I have made regarding
>>> Thanksgiving, pilgrims and the
>>> turkey hotline. Please remember that most of these
>>> comments were made
>>> by me at 5:00 a.m. upon discovering that the turkey
>>> was still hard
>>> enough to cut diamonds. As accompaniment to the
>>> children's recital, I
>>> will play a recording of tribal drumming. If the
>>> children should
>>> mention that I don't own a recording of tribal
> ;>> drumming, or that tribal
>>> drumming sounds suspiciously like a frozen turkey in
>>> a clothes dryer,
>>> ignore them. They are lying.
>>> We toyed with the idea of ringing a dainty silver
>>> bell to
>>> announce the start of our feast. In the end, we
>>> chose to keep our
>>> traditional method. We've also decided against a
>>> formal seating
>>> arrangement. When the smoke alarm sounds, please
>>> gather around the
>>> table and sit where you like. In the spirit of
>>> harmony, we will ask the
>>> children to sit at a separate table. In a separate
>>> room. Next door.
>>> Now, I know you have all seen pictures of one
>>> person carving a
>>> turkey in front of a crowd of appreciative
>>> onlookers. This will not be
>>> happening at our dinner. For sanity safety reasons,
>>> the turkey will be
>>> carved in a private ceremony. I stress 'private',
>>> meaning: Do not,
>>> under any circumstances, enter the kitchen to laugh
>>> at me. Do not send
>>> small, unsuspecting children to check on my
>>> progress. I have an
>>> electric knife. The turkey is unarmed. It stands
>>> to reason that I will
>>> eventually win. When I do, we will eat.
>>> I would like to take this opportunity to remind my
>>> young diners
>>> (and any males present) that 'passing the rolls' is
>>> not a football play.
>>> Nor is it a request to bean your sister in the head
>>> with warm tasty
>>> bread. Oh, and one reminder for the adults: For
>>> the duration of the
>>> meal, and especially while in the presence of yo ung
>>> diners, we will
>>> refer to the giblet gravy by its lesser-known name:
>>> Cheese Sauce. If a
>>> young diner questions you regarding the origins or
>>> type of Cheese Sauce,
>>> plead ignorance.
>>> Before I forget, there is one last change.
>>> Instead of offering
>>> a choice between 12 different scrumptious homemade
>>> desserts, we will be
>>> serving the traditional pumpkin pie, garnished with
>>> whipped cream, small
>>> fingerprints, and broken crust. You will still have
>>> a choice; you may
>>> take it or leave it.
>>> Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this
>>> Thanksgiving.
>>> She probably won't come next year either. I am
>>> thankful.
