K
Kizzy
Guest
The letter to the bank, shown below, is an actual letter
that was sent to a bank by a 96 year old woman. The bank
manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in
the New York Times.
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which
I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my
calculations, three nanoseconds must have lapsed between his
presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the
funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the
automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an
arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight
years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of
opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of
penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this
incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.
I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone
calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am
confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, prerecorded,
faceless entity which your bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a
flesh-and-blood person.
My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter
no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by
check, addressed personally and confidentially to an
employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any
other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached
an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen
employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but
in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank
knows about me, there is no alternative.
Please note that all copies of his or her medical history
must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory
details of his/her financial situation (income, debts,
assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented
proof. In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN
number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret
that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have
modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to
access my account balance on your phone bank service. As
they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further. When you call
me, press buttons as follows:
1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing payment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending
to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at
home.
7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access
my computer is required. Password will be communicated to
you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.
8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1
through 7.
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will
then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated
answering service.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait,
uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also
levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this
new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous
New Year.
Your Humble Client
that was sent to a bank by a 96 year old woman. The bank
manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in
the New York Times.
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which
I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my
calculations, three nanoseconds must have lapsed between his
presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the
funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the
automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an
arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight
years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of
opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of
penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this
incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.
I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone
calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am
confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, prerecorded,
faceless entity which your bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a
flesh-and-blood person.
My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter
no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by
check, addressed personally and confidentially to an
employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any
other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached
an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen
employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but
in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank
knows about me, there is no alternative.
Please note that all copies of his or her medical history
must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory
details of his/her financial situation (income, debts,
assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented
proof. In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN
number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret
that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have
modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to
access my account balance on your phone bank service. As
they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further. When you call
me, press buttons as follows:
1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing payment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending
to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at
home.
7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access
my computer is required. Password will be communicated to
you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.
8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1
through 7.
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will
then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated
answering service.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait,
uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also
levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this
new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous
New Year.
Your Humble Client