Top Fatal Things To Say To Pregnant Wife

[SmallTown]

TOP FATAL THINGS TO SAY TO PREGNANT WIFE

17. "I finished the Oreo's."

16. "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs forty pounds."

15. "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby."

14. "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever."

13. "Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 26th is the SuperBowl."

12. "Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella."

11. "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt."

10. "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"

9. "I'm jealous. Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?"

8. "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"

7. "Get your *own* ice cream."

6. "Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today."

5. "Got milk?"

4. "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."

3. "Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"

2. "Retaining water ? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water."

And the Number 1 Fatal Thing To Say If Your Wife Is Pregnant...

1. "You don't have the guts to pull that trigger."

 

[yakky doodle]

Originally posted by SmallTown
TOP FATAL THINGS TO SAY TO PREGNANT WIFE

And the Number 1 Fatal Thing To Say If Your Wife Is Pregnant...

1. "You don't have the guts to pull that trigger."

and, *Poof* we never heard from SmallTown again. The End.

 

[Tonio]

9. "I'm jealous. Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?"

Well, that might by OK if you say it AFTER the delivery.

How about "Can my friend Ralph watch the delivery?"

 

[Tonio]

THE MIRACLE OF BIRTH--Monty Python's Meaning of Life

[Hospital corridor. A mother-to-be is being wheeled very fast down the corridor on a trolley, which crashes through several sets of doors. A nurse with her slips into a consultant's room, where one doctor is throwing beer mats through the crooked arm of another.]

First Doctor: One thousand and eight!

Nurse: Mrs Moore's contractions are more frequent, doctor.

First Doctor: Good. Take her into the foetus-frightening room.

Nurse: Right.

[They pass through the delivery room.]

First Doctor: Bit bare in here today. isn't it?

Second Doctor: Yeees.

First Doctor: More apparatus please, nurse.

Nurse: Yes doctor.

First Doctor: Yes, the EEG, the BP monitor and the AVV, please.

Second Doctor: And get the machine that goes 'Ping'!

First Doctor: And get the most expensive machines in case the administrator comes.

[Apparatus starts pouring into the room. The mother is lost behind various bits of equipment.]

First Doctor: That's better, that's much better.

Second Doctor: Yeeees. More like it.

First Doctor: Still something missing, though. [They think hard for a few moments.]

First and Second Doctors: Patient?

Second Doctor: Where's the patient?

First Doctor: Anyone seen the patient?

Second Doctor: Patient!

Nurse: Ah, here she is.

First Doctor: Bring her round.

Second Doctor: Mind the machine!

First Doctor: Come along!

Second Doctor: Jump up there. Hup!

First Doctor: Hallo! Now, don't you worry.

Second Doctor: We'll soon have you cured.

First Doctor: Leave it all to us, you'll never know what hit you.

First and Second Doctors: Goodbye, goodbye! Drips up! Injections.

Second Doctor: Can I put the tube in the baby's head?

First Doctor: Only if I can do the epesiotomy.

Second Doctor: Okay.

First Doctor: Now, legs up.

[The legs are put in the stirrups, while the Doctors open the doors opposite.]

First and Second Doctors: Come on. Come on, all of you. That's it, jolly good. Come on. Come on. Spread round there.

[A small horde enters, largely medical but with two Japanese with cameras and video equipment. The first doctor bumps into a man.]

First Doctor: Who are you?

Man: I'm the husband.

First Doctor: I'm sorry. only people involved are allowed in here.

[The husband leaves.]

Mrs Moore: What do I do?

Second Doctor: Yes?

Mrs Moore: What's that for?

[She points to a machine.]

First Doctor: That's the machine that goes 'Ping'!

[It goes 'Ping'.]

First Doctor: You see. It means that your baby is still alive.

Second Doctor: And that's the most expensive machine in the whole hospital.

First Doctor: Yes, it cost over three quarters of a million pounds.

Second Doctor: Aren't you lucky!

Nurse: The administrator's here, doctor.

First Doctor: Switch everything on!

[They do so. Everything flashes and beeps and thuds. Enter the administrator...]

Administrator: Morning, gentlemen.

First and Second Doctors: Morning Mr Pycroft.

Administrator: Very impressive. What are you doing this morning?

First Doctor: It's a birth.

Administrator: And what sort of thing is that?

Second Doctor: Well, that's when we take a new baby out of a lady's tummy.

Administrator: Wonderful what we can do nowadays. Ah! I see you have the machine that goes 'Ping'. This is my favourite. You see we lease this back to the company we sold it to. That way it comes under the monthly current budget and not the capital account. [They all applaud.] Thank you, thank you. We try to do our best. Well, do carry on.

[He leaves.]

Nurse: Oh, the vulva's dilating, doctor.

First Doctor: Yes, there's the head. Yes, four centimetres, five, six centimetres...

First and Second Doctors: Lights! Amplify the ping machine. Masks up! Suction! Eyes down for a full house! Here it comes!

[The baby arrives.]

First Doctor: And frighten it!

[They grab the baby, hold it upside down, slap it, poke tubes up its nose, hose it with cold water. Then the baby is placed on a wooden chopping block and the umbilicus severed with a chopper.]

And the rough towels!

[It is dried with rough towels.]

Show it to the mother.

[It is shown to the mother.]

First and Second Doctors: That's enough! Right. Sedate her, number the child. Measure it, blood type it and... *isolate* it.

Nurse: OK, show's over.

Mrs Moore: Is it a boy or a girl?

First Doctor: Now I think it's a little early to start imposing roles on it, don't you? Now a world of advice. You may find that you suffer for some time a totally irrational feeling of depression. PND is what we doctors call it. So it's lots of happy pills for you, and you can find out all about the birth when you get home. It's available on Betamax, VHS and Super 8.

 

[Makavide]

The next scene

THE MIRACLE OF BIRTH


PART 2


THE THIRD WORLD


Yorkshire


[A northern street. Dad is marching home. We see his house. A stork
flies above it, and drops a baby down the chimney.]


Dad: Oh bloody hell.


[Inside the house. A pregnant woman is at the sink. With
a cry a new-born baby, complete with umbilical cord,
drops from between her legs onto the floor.]


Mother: Get that would you, Deirdre...


Girl: All right, Mum.


[The girl takes the baby. Mum carries on.]


[Dad comes up to the door and pushes it open sadly.
Inside there are at least forty children, of various

ages, packed into the living room.]


Mum: [with tray] Whose teatime is it?


Scores of Voices: Me, mum...


Mum: Vincent, Tessa, Valerie, Janine, Martha, Andrew, Thomas,
Walter, Pat, Linda, Michael, Evadne, Alice, Dominique, and
Sasha... it's your bedtime!


Children: [all together] Oh, Mum!


Mum: Don't argue... Laura, Alfred, Nigel, Annie, Simon, Amanda...


Dad: Wait...


[They all listen.]


I've got something to tell the whole family.


[All stop... A buzz of excitement.]


Mum: [to her nearest son] Quick... go and get the others in,
Gordon!


[Gordon goes out. Another twenty or so children enter
the room. They squash in at the back as best they can.]


Dad: The mill's closed. There's no more work, we're destitute.


[Lots of cries of 'Oh no!'... 'Cripes'... 'Heck'... from
around the room.]


I've got no option but to sell you all for scientific
experiments. [The children protest with heart-rending pleas.]
No no, that's the way it is my loves... Blame the Catholic
church for not letting me wear one of those little rubber
things... Oh they've done some wonderful things in their time,
they preserved the might and majesty, even the mystery of the
Church of Rome, the sanctity of the sacrament and the
indivisible oneness of the Trinity, but if they'd let me wear
one of the little rubber things on the end of my #### we
wouldn't be in the mess we are now.


Little Boy: Couldn't Mummy have worn some sort of pessary?


Dad: Not if we're going to remain members of the fastest growing
religion in the world, my boy... You see, we believe... well,
let me put it like this...
[sings]


There are Jews in the world,
There are Buddhists,
There are Hindus and Mormons and then,
There are those that follow Mohammed,
But I've never been one of them...


I'm a Roman Catholic,
And have been since before I was born,
And the one thing they say about Catholics,
Is they'll take you as soon as you're warm...


You don't have to be a six-footer,
You don't have to have a great brain,
You don't have to have any clothes on -
You're a Catholic the minute Dad came...


Because...


Every sperm is sacred,
Every sperm is great,
If a sperm is wasted,
God gets quite irate.


Children: Every sperm is sacred,
Every sperm is great,
If a sperm is wasted,
God gets quite irate.


Child: [solo] Let the heathen spill theirs,
On the dusty ground,
God shall make them pay for,
Each sperm that can't be found.


Children: Every sperm is wanted,
Every sperm is good,
Every sperm is needed,
In your neighbourhood.


Mum: [solo] Hindu, Taoist, Mormon,
Spill theirs just anywhere,
But God loves those who treat their
Semen with more care.


Men neighbours: [peering out of toilets]
Every sperm is sacred,
Every sperm is great,


Women neighbours: [on wall]
If a sperm is wasted,


Children: God get quite irate.


Priest: [in church] Every sperm is sacred,


Bride and Groom: Every sperm is good.


Nannies: Every sperm is needed.


Cardinals: [in prams] In your neighbourhood!


Children: Every sperm is useful,
Every sperm is fine,


Funeral Cortege: God needs everybody's,


First Mourner: Mine!


Lady Mourner: And mine!


Corpse: And mine!


Nun: [solo] Though the pagans spill theirs,
O'er mountain, hill and plain,


Various artefacts in a Roman Catholic Souvenir Shop:
God shall strike them down for
Each sperm that's spilt in vain.


Everybody: Every sperm is sacred,
Every sperm is good,
Every sperm is needed,
In your neighbourhood.


Even more than everybody, including two fire-eaters, a juggler, a
clown at a piano and a stilt-walker riding a bicycle:
Every sperm is sacred,
Every sperm is great,
If a sperm is wasted,
God gets quite irate.


[Everybody cheers (including the fire-eaters, the
juggler, the clown at the piano and the stilt-walker
riding the bicycle). Fireworks go off, a Chinese dragon
is brought on and flags of all nations are unfurled
overhead.]


[Back inside.]


Dad: So you see my problem, little ones... I can't keep you here
any longer.


Shout from the back: Speak up!


Dad: [raising his voice] I can't keep you here any longer... God
has blessed us so much that I can't afford to feed you
anymore.


Boy: Couldn't you have your balls cut off...?


Dad: It's not as simple as that Nigel... God knows all... He would
see through such a cheap trick. What we do to ourselves, we do
to Him...


Voice: You could have them pulled off in an accident?


[Other voices suggest ways his balls can be removed.]


Dad: No... no... children... I know you're trying to help but
believe me, my mind's made up. I've given this long and
careful thought. And it's medical experiments for the lot of
you...


[The children emerge singing a melancholy reprise of
'Every Sperm is Sacred.']


[They are being watched from another Northern house.]


Mr Blackitt: Look at them, bloody Catholics. Filling the bloody
world up with bloody people they can't afford to bloody feed.


Mrs Blackitt: What are we dear?


Mr Blackitt: Protestant, and fiercely proud of it...


Mrs Blackitt: Why do they have so many children...?


Mr Blackitt: Because every time they have sexual intercourse they
have to have a baby.


Mrs Blackitt: But it's the same with us, Harry.


Mr Blackitt: What d'you mean...?


Mrs Blackitt: Well I mean we've got two children and we've had
sexual intercourse twice.


Mr Blackitt: That's not the point... We *could* have it any time we
wanted.


Mrs Blackitt: Really?


Mr Blackitt: Oh yes. And, what's more, because we don't believe in

all that Papist claptrap we can take precautions.


Mrs Blackitt: What, you mean lock the door...?


Mr Blackitt: No no, I mean, because we are members of the
Protestant Reformed Church which successfully challenged the
autocratic power of the Papacy in the mid-sixteenth century,
we can wear little rubber devices to prevent issue.


Mrs Blackitt: What do you mean?


Mr Blackitt: I could, if I wanted, have sexual intercourse with
you...


Mrs Blackitt: Oh, yes... Harry...



Mr Blackitt: And by wearing a rubber sheath over my old feller I
could ensure that when I came off... you would not be
impregnated.


Mrs Blackitt: Ooh!


Mr Blackitt: That's what being a Protestant's all about. That's
why it's the church for me. That's why it's the church for
anyone who respects the individual and the individual's right
to decide for him or herself. When Martin Luther nailed his
protest up to the church door in 1517, he may not have
realised the full significance of what he was doing. But four
hundred years later, thanks to him, my dear, I can wear
whatever I want on my John Thomas. And Protestantism doesn't
stop at the simple condom. Oh no! I can wear French Ticklers
if I want.


Mrs Blackitt: You what?


Mr Blackitt: French Ticklers... Black Mambos... Crocodile Ribs...
Sheaths that are designed not only to protect but also to
enhance the stimulation of sexual congress...


Mrs Blackitt: Have you got one?



Mr Blackitt: Have I got one? Well no... But I can go down the road
any time I want and walk into Harry's and hold my head up
high, and say in a loud steady voice: 'Harry I want you to
sell me a *condom*. In fact today I think I'll have a French
Tickler, for I am a Protestant...'


Mrs Blackitt: Well why don't you?


Mr Blackitt: But they... [He points at the stream of children still
pouring past the house.]... they cannot. Because their church
never made the great leap out of the Middle Ages, and the
domination of alien episcopal supremacy!

To read the rest - http://www.pythonet.org/evilthecat/meaning.html