Underage drinking

[sinwagon]

My son is 17 and will be 18 in a few months. While it seems like ages ago, it was not that long ago I was a teenager and would attend parties and would drink at these parties unless I was the designated driver. I have NEVER drank in drove in my whole life. I am as against that as much as I am outright murder. Needless to say, I preach this non stop to my kids.

My son is "at that age" and as I have informed him, I DO not condone him drinking but, if he goes to a party or wherever and he drinks even so much as one sip, he is to call me, and I will come and get him no questions asked. Tonight was that night. Although, his friend who did not drink drove the car. He gave him the keys the minute he took a sip and the other friend did not drink. I am not mad about the drinking (well ok a little bit) because if I make an issue of that, he ofcourse will never call and will hide it and possibly drive. I am however mad at the fact that he called when he left a movie and stated he was going to a friends house to spend the night and then went to this party instead. My instinct told me something was up and I text messaged him to call me from the "friends" home phone so their number would appear on the caller ID. That is when he came clean. Not to mention, they are all on provisionals and should not be driving after 12:00.

Anyway, the point of this post. When speaking with him, as we do usually talk about most things (although now I question that) he stated he drank everclear, (grain alcohol) which shocked the hell out of me! I asked him if this was the first time. He then informed me he had drank before at my neighbors (the designated drivers parents) and the parents caught them and made the pour it out. I am angry that my neighbor and my friend whom I trusted did not inform me of this when she caught them. Is my anger justified? I mean when I caught her kids even if they were w/ mine doing something they should not be, I informed her because after all she is my friend and because I think each and every parent has a right to know when there is a potential of harm coming to their children.

Also, my son informed me that kids get alcohol by paying someone outside the liquor store an extra $10.00 to buy it for them. Now I know we all did this as teens but grain alcohol???? Needless to say, I called the sherrif's dept. and alerted them that this is going on and they are going to set up a sting. Am I being petty?

I guess my question is, should a friend have an obligation to tell you when your kid is caught doing something that they know is illegal, dangerous and against what their parents would want for them? And, am I an idiot for reporting it to the sherrif's department?

 

[OrneryPest]

I think reporting the problem to the sheriff's department was entirely appropriate. They probably know there's a problem, and your call was an additional data-point for them.

Sometimes a good friend, for various emotional reasons, feels he can't reasonably rat on your kid, if the kid isn't doing more than taking a sip or two. I'm not saying the friend is deliberately hiding anything from you, of course, but maybe they just don't realize how seriously you'd like to know something like that.

 

[happyappygirl]

You did absolutley the right thing by calling the police. They have a Drug Enforcement unit that specifically handles that sort of thing. With that said, if they do pay people outside the liquor store to purchase for them, the store is not technically liable, but the individual who did it, IS. That would be a hit or miss thing, and i would think difficult to catch.

The bigger issue would be your son. We have always maintained a stand that we don't aid ANYTHING against the law. Period. You are not your son's "friend" you are his parent. His guiding light. Of course we all, as people, want our kids (and everyone) to "like" us, but we have a responsibility to our kids, to provide guidance. If it makes us enemies for a while so be it. In the end, when they are grown productive adults, as a result of YOUR help, they will understand why you did what you did. It is your responsibility that they at least make it to adulthood in any way you can, with a good foundation to stand on. It is your job as parent to provide a good role model.

Also with that said, you must also BE that role model. For the life of me, i can't understand parents who say "don't smoke" then puff away with their kids in the room/car whatever. Don't be a hypocrite. Kids live what they learn, and actions speak louder than words. If you smoke, fine. Explain to your kids that it is ILLEGAL for them to smoke/drink before they are age 18/21 and you are bound by your job as parent to abide by that law, you didn't make it but you have to enforce it, and tell them they must wait until they are age 18/21 and considered an adult to smoke/drink etc. if they must. We talked to our kids about that a lot. We simply didn't allow them the option so many parents do (OK..if you do it do it at home where i can watch you....or call me IF you drink, so i can come get you) WHAT kind of message does that send to the kid? It's OK to break the law as long as MOM or DAD say it's OK? Absolutely NOT. The law is the law. Period. Tell them if there is drinking, call me and i'll come get you. DON'T DRINK. It's illegal. No mixed messages there. When my son admitted to me he had tried one of those strawberry cigars, I was absolutely apalled. I was also SHOCKED. He is an athlete!! I just couldn't believe it. And I made it very clear to him how shocked, dissappointed and sad i was that he made that choice at 16. At first i said nothing to him. for 2 days. NOTHING at all-i didn't even take him anywhere with me. Total cold shoulder. Bare basic discussion. That's it. Once my anger was under control and i felt i could talk to him as a young adult, we discussed what it does to your body, yada, yada and i asked him to PLEASE reconsider and hold off doing it again until he was 18. BUT...in a small way i had done this sort of thing to him since he was little. If he would do something naughty, my immediate reaction was SHOCK!!! As in EEK!!! I can't believe you actually DID that!!! then dissappointment. He was always immediately sorry for what he did, and usually never did it again. I expected much more of him, and got it.

We also used this same strategy with sex. We are a very open family. We have discussed sex with the kids, and i asked them to THINK about what they were doing, and in the very least, wait until they were age 18, and could make a responsible ADULT decision about who to have sex with. Sex now a days can KILL a person (Aids etc.) we discussed a little about what the bible says about the first person you have sex with, and how you not only have sex with that person, but the last 5 or 10 people THEY had sex with. this worked for us. OK that was designed to be a bit of a scare tactic. whatever works.

 

[happyappygirl]

Regarding the neighbor...let it go. You can't control what other people do. If it was a relative, i'd say TATTLE, but since it's not, and it's not your job to police their kid, don't. BUT file the information away. lesson learned about people and neighbors in particular.

My son had a beer with the neighbor's kid years ago. he knew it was wrong, felt terribly guilty about it, policed himself, and didn't put himself in the situation again. But to this day they still talk about that first beer like it was liquid gold. We only found out about it recently.

FWIW worth, we found out our daughter was smoking pot when she was 16. We promptly plucked her out of school in her senior year and put her in a rehab school in Cumberland. When she came back, we gave her two options. Complete school during the day, or do night classes. She graduated from high school, and moved out. She didn't really learn her lesson until she was picked up for DUI and spent the night in JAIL, nekkid under that horrible orange jumpsuit, on that ratty cot with terrible food. We didn't bale her out. Lemme tell ya. She's learned her lesson now. Sometimes you HAVE to do that. They have to come to their OWN decisions in their OWN time. But it is your duty to help him by showing him what's right what ever way you can. HE makes his own decisions, naturally. But at least you know you showed him what is RIGHT in no uncertain terms. A parents house is a monarchy rule until/unless he pays half the bills.

 

[teverheart2002]

I don't know if I can really help as I do not have any kids, and therefore don't really know how I would handle the situation. I do know that if my parents had said that I could never drink, I might have found the parties to go to and would have overindulged. As it was when I was growing up, if I wanted to drink all I would have to do is say something to my mom. Not that she would let me get wasted, but we would enjoy a malt beverage together or drink a glass of wine. And because of this, I didn't really party because it wasn't a curiousity thing for me. I knew that I didn't have to sneak around my parents backs to drink. Like I said, don't know if this helps and I'm not sure if we will raise our kid the same way.

 

[Kain99]

Children will be the death of us all..... Enjoy clinging to those last few breaths. I feel ya.

 

[happyappygirl]

I don't know if I can really help as I do not have any kids, and therefore don't really know how I would handle the situation. I do know that if my parents had said that I could never drink, I might have found the parties to go to and would have overindulged. As it was when I was growing up, if I wanted to drink all I would have to do is say something to my mom. Not that she would let me get wasted, but we would enjoy a malt beverage together or drink a glass of wine. And because of this, I didn't really party because it wasn't a curiousity thing for me. I knew that I didn't have to sneak around my parents backs to drink. Like I said, don't know if this helps and I'm not sure if we will raise our kid the same way.

here's where we differ I didn't tell them NOT to drink or smoke, i told them it was illegal to do so, so it was out of my hands if they DID - and got caught, which they will eventually get caught because the more they do it, the more immune they think they become it always happens. SOMEBODY will catch them. So...they are given a choice. Do it until you get caught, then suffer the consequences, or make the right choice and don't do it.

It's my opinion that a parent is a parent. There is a time to be friendly, and a time to PARENT. It doesn't mean you love your kids any less to parent them.

 

[OrneryPest]

Also, my son informed me that kids get alcohol by paying someone outside the liquor store an extra $10.00 to buy it for them.

That just happened to me early this afternoon! I dropped by the Wines And Spirits place in Wild Weeds for a bottle of wine, and two nice cute teenage girls were standing around outside and they asked me to buy a bottle of booze for them, and they offered me a generous bonus. They appeared to obviously have plenty of money. I told them no, sorry, I'm not gonna get my neck in the wringer by aiding and abetting something I wouldn't want my own kid to be doing. They were sorta upset, but hey, there's certain things I'll just hafta let them get upset about.

 

[kom526]

If your son finds out that you called the cops then you can hang up any chance of him trusting you for a while. If his friends find out then he is going to feel the repercussions of your well intentioned concerns.

 

[sinwagon]

Regarding the neighbor...let it go. You can't control what other people do. If it was a relative, i'd say TATTLE, but since it's not, and it's not your job to police their kid, don't. BUT file the information away. lesson learned about people and neighbors in particular.

My son had a beer with the neighbor's kid years ago. he knew it was wrong, felt terribly guilty about it, policed himself, and didn't put himself in the situation again. But to this day they still talk about that first beer like it was liquid gold. We only found out about it recently.

FWIW worth, we found out our daughter was smoking pot when she was 16. We promptly plucked her out of school in her senior year and put her in a rehab school in Cumberland. When she came back, we gave her two options. Complete school during the day, or do night classes. She graduated from high school, and moved out. She didn't really learn her lesson until she was picked up for DUI and spent the night in JAIL, nekkid under that horrible orange jumpsuit, on that ratty cot with terrible food. We didn't bale her out. Lemme tell ya. She's learned her lesson now. Sometimes you HAVE to do that. They have to come to their OWN decisions in their OWN time. But it is your duty to help him by showing him what's right what ever way you can. HE makes his own decisions, naturally. But at least you know you showed him what is RIGHT in no uncertain terms. A parents house is a monarchy rule until/unless he pays half the bills.

Thanks for the info and I assure you, we DO NOT drink and we do not condone drinking (we do smoke tho lol). We ABSOLUTELY tell our son NOT TO DRINK and give him circumstances that have occured with others and the down side of drinking. When he goes out the door I tell him "no drinking, no drugs, and you must tell me where you are and no sex" But, we are also very open and I am not naive. I know that they are possibly going to do these things and test the waters.

Therefore, I follow up with "IF you drink do not drive, I will come and get you no questions asked, IF you have sex, please use protection" The reality of it is, that kids do not wait until they are 18 for either of these things in this day and time, as a matter of fact, they did not wait, nor did I, until I was 18 to do these things. I think to assume that your kid just won't do it because you say so is naive and I think that if you don't leave them the option of coming to you about these things, then they won't and I don't want to be the one to get that call from the hospital in the middle of the night.

 

[sinwagon]

Ooops! Sorry, I clicked reply w/ quote to the wrong quote, I meant to post it to the first one. Regarding the neighbor issue, I did not let it go. We talked it out, while I can not control what others do, they are responsible for my child while he is in their home. Ofcourse they cant tell what they do not know but....what they do know it is their responsibilty as the home owner, as my friend, and as someone who cares avout my son to tell me just as I would and have them. We are not just my neighbors, they are my dear friends. They were very sorry they did not tell me and all is well.

 

[sinwagon]

If your son finds out that you called the cops then you can hang up any chance of him trusting you for a while. If his friends find out then he is going to feel the repercussions of your well intentioned concerns.

First of all, I did not call the cops on the kids, I informed the police that ADULTS were buying alcohol for minors for an extra $10.00. One, they do not know that I called because it was 2am and two, so what, I don't mind being unpopular. I even told the police if my kid was netted in the sting, so be it, I would deal with that then and so would he. He states he has never done this, he just knows his friend has. If we are not going to hold the adults responsible who are doing this, then we may as well hand them a drink ourselves! Sure it will continue, but once the scum bag gets busted for providing a minor with alcohol, then atleast HE will think twice about doing it again.

That is the biggest problem, everyone sits back and says/does nothing and then complain about things when they go down. I am not that way.

 

[Nickel]

Therefore, I follow up with "IF you drink do not drive, I will come and get you no questions asked, IF you have sex, please use protection"

That undermines your message. This may be a poor example, but have you seen the movie Mean Girls? One of the girls' "cool" mom serves them virgin margaritas. One of the girls says "Does this have alcohol in it?" to which the mom replies "Oh, God, honey, no. What kind of mother do you think I am? Why, do you want some, because if you're gonna drink, I'd rather you do it in the house." It's so ridiculous that it's funny.

 

[sinwagon]

Regarding the neighbor...let it go. You can't control what other people do. If it was a relative, i'd say TATTLE, but since it's not, and it's not your job to police their kid, don't. BUT file the information away. lesson learned about people and neighbors in particular.

My son had a beer with the neighbor's kid years ago. he knew it was wrong, felt terribly guilty about it, policed himself, and didn't put himself in the situation again. But to this day they still talk about that first beer like it was liquid gold. We only found out about it recently.

FWIW worth, we found out our daughter was smoking pot when she was 16. We promptly plucked her out of school in her senior year and put her in a rehab school in Cumberland. When she came back, we gave her two options. Complete school during the day, or do night classes. She graduated from high school, and moved out. She didn't really learn her lesson until she was picked up for DUI and spent the night in JAIL, nekkid under that horrible orange jumpsuit, on that ratty cot with terrible food. We didn't bale her out. Lemme tell ya. She's learned her lesson now. Sometimes you HAVE to do that. They have to come to their OWN decisions in their OWN time. But it is your duty to help him by showing him what's right what ever way you can. HE makes his own decisions, naturally. But at least you know you showed him what is RIGHT in no uncertain terms. A parents house is a monarchy rule until/unless he pays half the bills.

Another thing, I think you may have gotten it confused, I didn't have anyone to rat out, my neighbor caught my son and her son in THEIR house drinking and did not inform me. Lets not forget these are my friends as well as my neighbor. I want to know what my kid is doing and if that is the way things worked and lets say I saw their kid drinking and driving and said nothing, then the next day that kid killed himself or God forbid someone else or even my own son, when a simple call to the parents could have prevented it wouldn't hat make me just as guilty? Would I have a right to complain because my son was killed in a car accident when I did not see fit to inform his parents of the problem before this occured?

I'm sorry, these are kids and I know I can not control every kids but I want to know what my kid is doing and if I see someone elses kid doing something especially when I care about this kid and the parents, I am going to say something! Too many people have that "look the other way" logic and that is what is wrong with the world today. Back in the day, your neighbor saw you doing something wrong, they ripped a switch off the tree and would whip your butt themselves!

Anyway, my neighbor is great we worked it out and I understand their logic behind it and all is well.

 

[sinwagon]

That undermines your message. This may be a poor example, but have you seen the movie Mean Girls? One of the girls' "cool" mom serves them virgin margaritas. One of the girls says "Does this have alcohol in it?" to which the mom replies "Oh, God, honey, no. What kind of mother do you think I am? Why, do you want some, because if you're gonna drink, I'd rather you do it in the house." It's so ridiculous that it's funny.

I see where you are coming from but I am not naive and stupid and I know where there is an opportunity, there is a possibility that he could drink. I would NEVER allow him to drink in my home and would slap his ass silly if I caught him in the act. But, I do not want him to go out, know what I told him but decide on his own to do it and then try to drive home because he does not want to be caught. That could be even more deadly! Therefore, I let him know, regardless of what occurs, he can call me.

The MVA also offers a contract for teens to sign with the "no questions asked policy"

 

[happyappygirl]

That undermines your message. This may be a poor example, but have you seen the movie Mean Girls? One of the girls' "cool" mom serves them virgin margaritas. One of the girls says "Does this have alcohol in it?" to which the mom replies "Oh, God, honey, no. What kind of mother do you think I am? Why, do you want some, because if you're gonna drink, I'd rather you do it in the house." It's so ridiculous that it's funny.

I saw that movie for the first time with my EIGHT year old, and i threw it away.

 

[happyappygirl]

I see where you are coming from but I am not naive and stupid and I know where there is an opportunity, there is a possibility that he could drink. I would NEVER allow him to drink in my home and would slap his ass silly if I caught him in the act. But, I do not want him to go out, know what I told him but decide on his own to do it and then try to drive home because he does not want to be caught. That could be even more deadly! Therefore, I let him know, regardless of what occurs, he can call me.

The MVA also offers a contract for teens to sign with the "no questions asked policy"

Remember when i said he'd get caught and suffer the consequences? If my kid went out and drank, then drove home, guess who would catch him?

I'll give ya a hint.....he works in a uniform, carries a gun to work...has a breathalyzer IN his car....and knows how to use it.

his DAD, cause we wait up for him to come home. ALWAYS (and if he's working, he knows where he is, and watches for him to cruise by on the way home). I know not everyone has that added bonus, but EVERYONE can wait up for their kid to come home. I personally can't sleep when mine aren't home. My son also doesn't do "sleepovers". He's 17. {YES he's asked to do them with his GF and when he did he went to NY with her parents, and her dad slept on the floor in front of the sofa where HE slept }

 

[sinwagon]

Remember when i said he'd get caught and suffer the consequences? If my kid went out and drank, then drove home, guess who would catch him?

I'll give ya a hint.....he works in a uniform, carries a gun to work...has a breathalyzer IN his car....and knows how to use it.

his DAD, cause we wait up for him to come home. ALWAYS (and if he's working, he knows where he is, and watches for him to cruise by on the way home). I know not everyone has that added bonus, but EVERYONE can wait up for their kid to come home. I personally can't sleep when mine aren't home. My son also doesn't do "sleepovers". He's 17. {YES he's asked to do them with his GF and when he did he went to NY with her parents, and her dad slept on the floor in front of the sofa where HE slept }

I don't go to bed either until my kids are home. Just cant do it and would not think about trying!

The only thing is....if by chance the police or the dad does not catch them driving by on this one particular time, it could mean their life.

 

[Nickel]

I saw that movie for the first time with my EIGHT year old, and i threw it away.

That movie is so not appropriate for an 8 year old.

 

[sinwagon]

Thats what I was thinking.