The famous general died and his ashes were to be taken to Arlington National Cemetery. All the air lines were booked and there were no other planes available. Someone came up with the idea of using a helicopter. It arrived at five a.m. The newspapers reported the incident with "the whirly bird gets the urn."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two eskimos were paddling in their kayak along the Alaskan coastline. They were out there for a long time and they started to get cold. During one of their breaks they lit a fire to warm up, but tragically their kayak caught fire and they drowned.
Moral of the story: you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It seems that a circus was losing money and could not afford to keep it’s animals anymore. The lion tamer begged and pleaded to keep just one lion, but the owner said the best he could do was a dog.
So the lion tamer trained this dog to do everything the lions had done. The only thing the dog couldn’t do was hold the trainer’s head in his mouth so the trainer thought he could just put his foot in the dog’s mouth.
The audience loved the act, but the trainer got greedy for applause and stuck both of his feet into the dog’s mouth. The dog gagged and bit them right off, which proves you should not put all your legs in one basset.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day at the watering hole, an elephant looked around and carefully surveyed the turtles in view. After a few seconds thought, he walked over to one turtle, raised his foot and kicked the turtle as far as he could. A watching hyena ask the elephant why he did it.
"Well about thirty years ago I was walking through the stream and a turtle bit my foot, finally I found the one who did it and repaid him for what he had done to me."
"Thirty years and you still remember? But how?"
"Simple, I have turtle recall!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In a rural Wisconsin town, the local church erected a belfry and bell tower to the top of the church to add to the sevices for Sunday. Unfortunately, the job required somone to not only ring the bell at the appropriate times, but to act as a live in caretaker for the bell, keeping the belfry clear of bats, oiling the hinges, etc. To solve this problem, the pastor placed an ad for the available position. Along came a man who was very enthusiastic about the job, regardless of his handicap. You see, the man was missing both arms. The pastor wanted to hire the guy, but said,"You don’t have any arms. How can you ring the bell?"
The guy convinced the pastor to agree that if he could ring the bell, he could have the job. The guy then runs up the stairs to the belfry to set about ringing the bell. He takes a running start and slams his face into the bell. The bell makes a loug BONG to which the pastor and the rest of the town are happy to hear. In keeping with physics, however, the bell swings out, then swings back, knocking the guy off the belfry and dropping him to his death below. The spectators crowd around the body, with the pastor pushing his way to the center. One of the onlookers asks who the recent fatality was, to which the pastor says,
"I don’t know, but his face sure rang a bell."
The next day another man came in looking for the same job. He also had no arms. The pastor asks this man why he wants the job. "Well, that was my brother who died yesterday, and now I have both his and my family to support." The pastor nods and lets him try ringing the bell too. However, the same fate befalls him. He plummets to his death below, and when the pastor reaches the body, someone asks who the dead man was, to which the pastor replies,
"I don’t know, but he’s a dead ringer for his brother."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two eskimos were paddling in their kayak along the Alaskan coastline. They were out there for a long time and they started to get cold. During one of their breaks they lit a fire to warm up, but tragically their kayak caught fire and they drowned.
Moral of the story: you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It seems that a circus was losing money and could not afford to keep it’s animals anymore. The lion tamer begged and pleaded to keep just one lion, but the owner said the best he could do was a dog.
So the lion tamer trained this dog to do everything the lions had done. The only thing the dog couldn’t do was hold the trainer’s head in his mouth so the trainer thought he could just put his foot in the dog’s mouth.
The audience loved the act, but the trainer got greedy for applause and stuck both of his feet into the dog’s mouth. The dog gagged and bit them right off, which proves you should not put all your legs in one basset.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day at the watering hole, an elephant looked around and carefully surveyed the turtles in view. After a few seconds thought, he walked over to one turtle, raised his foot and kicked the turtle as far as he could. A watching hyena ask the elephant why he did it.
"Well about thirty years ago I was walking through the stream and a turtle bit my foot, finally I found the one who did it and repaid him for what he had done to me."
"Thirty years and you still remember? But how?"
"Simple, I have turtle recall!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In a rural Wisconsin town, the local church erected a belfry and bell tower to the top of the church to add to the sevices for Sunday. Unfortunately, the job required somone to not only ring the bell at the appropriate times, but to act as a live in caretaker for the bell, keeping the belfry clear of bats, oiling the hinges, etc. To solve this problem, the pastor placed an ad for the available position. Along came a man who was very enthusiastic about the job, regardless of his handicap. You see, the man was missing both arms. The pastor wanted to hire the guy, but said,"You don’t have any arms. How can you ring the bell?"
The guy convinced the pastor to agree that if he could ring the bell, he could have the job. The guy then runs up the stairs to the belfry to set about ringing the bell. He takes a running start and slams his face into the bell. The bell makes a loug BONG to which the pastor and the rest of the town are happy to hear. In keeping with physics, however, the bell swings out, then swings back, knocking the guy off the belfry and dropping him to his death below. The spectators crowd around the body, with the pastor pushing his way to the center. One of the onlookers asks who the recent fatality was, to which the pastor says,
"I don’t know, but his face sure rang a bell."
The next day another man came in looking for the same job. He also had no arms. The pastor asks this man why he wants the job. "Well, that was my brother who died yesterday, and now I have both his and my family to support." The pastor nods and lets him try ringing the bell too. However, the same fate befalls him. He plummets to his death below, and when the pastor reaches the body, someone asks who the dead man was, to which the pastor replies,
"I don’t know, but he’s a dead ringer for his brother."
