I'm not 100% sure but this appears to be the last email my father sent on Saturday just prior to having a heart attack. If you have a weak heart you might want to skip this. BTW Dad is doing fine and will be undergoing testing tomorrow at St. Vincent's in Jacksonville.
The five questions feared most by men:
1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?
What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is
guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers
incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). Therefore, as a public
service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible
responses.
_______________________
Question # 1: What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been
pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful,
thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am
to have met you."
This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true
answer, which most likely is one of the following:
a. Baseball.
b. Football.
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you.
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy,
who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking,
I would be talking to you."
_____________________
Question # 2: Do you love me?
The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed
answer is in order, "Yes, dear."
Inappropriate responses include:
a. Oh Yeah, ####-loads.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?
____________________
Question # 3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Among the incorrect answers are:
a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how
I would spend the insurance money if you died.
_____________________
Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Incorrect responses include:
a. Yes, but you have a better personality
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age
d. Define "pretty"?
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I
would spend the insurance money if you died.
____________________
Question # 5: What would you do if I died?
A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is "Buy a
Corvette and a boat"). No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at
least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:
WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why, not-don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
MAN: ( makes audible groan )
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can't; she's left-handed.
WOMAN: - - - silence - - -
MAN: Sh!t
The five questions feared most by men:
1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?
What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is
guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers
incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). Therefore, as a public
service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible
responses.
_______________________
Question # 1: What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been
pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful,
thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am
to have met you."
This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true
answer, which most likely is one of the following:
a. Baseball.
b. Football.
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you.
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy,
who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking,
I would be talking to you."
_____________________
Question # 2: Do you love me?
The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed
answer is in order, "Yes, dear."
Inappropriate responses include:
a. Oh Yeah, ####-loads.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?
____________________
Question # 3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Among the incorrect answers are:
a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how
I would spend the insurance money if you died.
_____________________
Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Incorrect responses include:
a. Yes, but you have a better personality
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age
d. Define "pretty"?
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I
would spend the insurance money if you died.
____________________
Question # 5: What would you do if I died?
A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is "Buy a
Corvette and a boat"). No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at
least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:
WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why, not-don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
MAN: ( makes audible groan )
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can't; she's left-handed.
WOMAN: - - - silence - - -
MAN: Sh!t
Best wishes to your Father. Lets hope he recovers soon.