We're here for a reason!

[seekeroftruth]

Philippians 1:12 Now I want you to know, brothers and sisters, that what has happened to me has actually served to advance the gospel. 13 As a result, it has become clear throughout the whole palace guard and to everyone else that I am in chains for Christ. 14 And because of my chains, most of the brothers and sisters have become confident in the Lord and dare all the more to proclaim the gospel without fear.​

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15 It is true that some preach Christ out of envy and rivalry, but others out of goodwill. 16 The latter do so out of love, knowing that I am put here for the defense of the gospel. 17 The former preach Christ out of selfish ambition, not sincerely, supposing that they can stir up trouble for me while I am in chains. 18 But what does it matter? The important thing is that in every way, whether from false motives or true, Christ is preached. And because of this I rejoice.​

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Yes, and I will continue to rejoice, 19 for I know that through your prayers and God’s provision of the Spirit of Jesus Christ what has happened to me will turn out for my deliverance. 20 I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death. 21 For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. 22 If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! 23 I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; 24 but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body. 25 Convinced of this, I know that I will remain, and I will continue with all of you for your progress and joy in the faith, 26 so that through my being with you again your boasting in Christ Jesus will abound on account of me.​

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And here's the link to commentary.

That second paragraph hit home this morning. Paul is having suicidal thoughts. Check this out, from the commentary.

Having a desire to depart and be with Christ: It is strong to say, but one must say that Paul, in some way, wanted to die. In fact, desire describes a strong longing: “He said he had a desire to depart, and the desire was a strong one. The Greek word has much force in it. He panteth, he longeth to be gone.” (Spurgeon)​

Other men have also wanted to die.​

• Some men have wished to die, gripped by the gloom and darkness that leads to suicide.
• Some have been so tired of this world and the cruelty of others that they thought death was better.
• Some have wanted to die in the crisis of some kind of suffering.

Paul’s desire to depart had nothing in common with these attitudes among men. Paul probably had many motivations to depart.​

• Going to heaven meant he would finally be done with sin and temptation.
• Going to heaven meant that he would see those brothers and sisters who had gone to heaven before him.
• Most of all, going to heaven meant being with Christ in a closer and better way than ever before.

I have been dealing with these same thoughts. I am imprisoned in my home by the lack of depth perception. Riding in a car is horrifying. All the cars seem to be either headed right at me or slammed to a stop in front of me. I cannot drive and I cannot ride. I'm at risk of falling. I can't go hiking the trails or shopping for supplies. I can't see the trail edge. I could walk off the side of the mountain or step on a rattler. I bump into things when I do go shopping. Displays are in peril when I am around. I bump into people all the time. Sometimes when I'm walking along.... all of a sudden, I'm walking off to the right... my blind side. I know my house is dirty, but I can't see to clean it. It's been over two years, and I'm still running into things in my own home. Luckily, for the past three weeks, my arms have been bandage free. For over two years I have been hitting sharp corners and ripping my skin open, requiring constant bandages. All I do is sit and crochet and watch TV. I still cook, I don't burn myself nearly as much as I used to. I have gotten to where I can pour a cup of coffee without spilling it or boiling my fingers.

I keep thinking.... Why me? God knows I Believe. Why me? God knows I want to see Heaven and walk with Jesus. Why do I have to stay here blind? Even a bat can get around better than me. Why me? What have I got to contribute?

Paul might have had a corner on the market when it came to being jailed back in the day.... But those of us who have been blinded have been imprisoned too, only we don't get the free three hots and a cot Paul got. We have to figure out how to afford three hots and a cot while learning how to be half blind.

I don't like Paul, or appreciate his desire to be the best preacher in town, but I do get that he had suicidal thoughts.

Don't call rescue... I'm not going to do myself in. That would be murder, and God doesn't want people to murder themselves.

I'm just saying, I understand what Paul is saying about Heaven being a better place. I long to leave here and be there.

I don't want to die.... I want to get on with eternity!!

I figure God has something for me to accomplish here first. Paul must have figured preaching was what he was required to live for. I only make crocheted or sewn dolls... What good am I? God must have something for me to accomplish... I'll be glad when I accomplish it so I can get on with eternity.

We're here for a reason!