When a spouse has a major life change

[vraiblonde]

This is inspired by mAlice's thread, but not specifically about her or her situation so don't read too much into it - I don't know anything about her personal life. It just made me interested in the dynamic of change in a marriage.

Say you've been married for a long time - 20+ years - and suddenly your spouse undergoes a major life change. Embraces a new religion; wants to have a child to fill the empty nest; quits their job to roam the earth; takes up smoking or doing drugs; becomes a vegan hippie; whatever. What change would be a deal breaker for you? As in, what life change could your spouse make that would cause you to reassess the marriage?

 

[Larry Gude]

Say you've been married for a long time - 20+ years - ?

No.

 

[Chasey_Lane]

What change would be a deal breaker for you? As in, what life change could your spouse make that would cause you to reassess the marriage?

Drugs, infidelity and lies.

 

[mAlice]

If he started beating me on a regular basis. That would be a deal breaker. I can't think of anything else, though. As long as he is not physically hurting, I think marriage is about working through the changes, because everyone has them.

Example: Husband quit smoking. He hates the smell. I try to be respectful of that, but don't badger me about my bad habit, because it was there when you said "I do".

 

[Larry Gude]

If he started beating me on a regular basis. That would be a deal breaker. .

Define 'regular' basis...

 

[vraiblonde]

Drugs, infidelity and lies.

What if he said, "Chasey, I've decided I want to be a Mormon and get you some sister wives." Would you go for that? I think most of us would dump someone who was directly and consciously disrespectful and hurtful, but what if being a #### head wasn't the motivation, but simply an ideological conversion? What if he said, "Chasey, these cruises and trips to Vegas are killing our carbon footprint. From now on my vacations will be something that helps sustain the environment"?

 

[Monello]

Probably any behavior that bordered on an obsession would require re-evaluation. Moderation in all things.

 

[mAlice]

Define 'regular' basis...

LOL If he hit me once, I'd forgive him. If he hit me twice, I'd kick his ass to the curb. If he beat me once, I'd kick his ass to the curb and take him for everything he ever had, and ever will have.

 

[Chasey_Lane]

What if he said, "Chasey, I've decided I want to be a Mormon and get you some sister wives." Would you go for that? I think most of us would dump someone who was directly and consciously disrespectful and hurtful, but what if being a #### head wasn't the motivation, but simply an ideological conversion? What if he said, "Chasey, these cruises and trips to Vegas are killing our carbon footprint. From now on my vacations will be something that helps sustain the environment"?

He can have all the wives he wants but there will be no penetration. And I know hubby would never give up Las Vegas. Cruises, yes, and I'm fine with that. However, we both equally love and appreciate Las Vegas, we were married there, and enjoy it. If he didn't want to go to Las Vegas with me I'd find someone else to go with. I've been to Las Vegas before (girls trip) without him. :shrug:

 

[migtig]

Say you've been married for a long time - 20+ years - and suddenly your spouse undergoes a major life change.

Say you've been married less than that and your spouse gets diagnosed with some life altering disease. I'm presuming that's a major life change. Do you dump them then?

 

[mAlice]

Say you've been married less than that and your spouse gets diagnosed with some life altering disease. I'm presuming that's a major life change. Do you dump them then?

No.

 

[dontknowwhy]

I actually planned for my life change the very day i got married...20 yrs married then file for divorce.
Bitch beat me to it. Now i will never forgive her for destoying the family.
And remind the kids to blame mommy for any failure they may experience in life

If you intend on making a life change, be prepared for the fallout you inevitably will create

 

[vraiblonde]

Say you've been married less than that and your spouse gets diagnosed with some life altering disease. I'm presuming that's a major life change. Do you dump them then?

Depends on the disease and how they got it. If they got syphilis from a dirty hooker, they're on their own.

 

[Vince]

Drugs, infidelity and lies.

no drugs involved

 

[Chasey_Lane]

Now i will never forgive her for destoying the family.

Maybe she didn't destroy your family. Divorce is not the worst thing for every relationship and sometimes it is for the best.

Instead of holding a grudge (not good for you), release the bad energy and move on. You'll appreciate your life more.

 

[luvmygdaughters]

Cant think of anything. We've been together for 23 years this December, however, only married for 2. If his ass started cheating at this point, more power to him and the one he's cheating with, she's gonna need a lot of patience. If he started doing drugs, I can only think it was advised by a Dr. besides that, I smoke cigarettes, he bitches about it but doesn't really do anything. He does like his beer on the weekends but for the most part is a happy guy and he is fun to be around, makes me laugh. Hell...I think even if he got a sex change, I'd still hang out with him cause he is fun. Nope, cant think of a thing that would make me leave.

 

[Roman]

The deal-breaker for me would be if he told me he decided to be gay.

 

[mAlice]

The deal-breaker for me would be if he told me he decided to be gay.

That's more like him walking away from it, not you. If he told you he was gay, that would have a certain message behind it, don't ya' think?

 

[vraiblonde]

I guess my take is different - surprise surprise. When I choose a mate, he is chosen, not just grabbed off the street. If I wanted a Scientologist, or a polygamist, or a drug addict, or a homebody, or a gay man I'd have gotten one in the first place. So if my partner made a major life change that didn't coincide with what is best for me, I'd wish him well and we'd have to go our separate ways. I'd think he'd want that as well, considering any major change that had any impact on me would make me less attractive to him and less interested in continuing our marriage.

If my husband decides he's gay, or he embraces a religious cult, he is no longer going to be interested in me as a spouse. He will want to move on to his new life, and I would encourage that so that I can move on with my life.

Him getting sick is different because he didn't choose that; a major lifestyle change, however, was specifically his choice and means that he no longer wants the life we had together.

 

[Pete]

I guess my take is different - surprise surprise. When I choose a mate, he is chosen, not just grabbed off the street. If I wanted a Scientologist, or a polygamist, or a drug addict, or a homebody, or a gay man I'd have gotten one in the first place. So if my partner made a major life change that didn't coincide with what is best for me, I'd wish him well and we'd have to go our separate ways. I'd think he'd want that as well, considering any major change that had any impact on me would make me less attractive to him and less interested in continuing our marriage.

If my husband decides he's gay, or he embraces a religious cult, he is no longer going to be interested in me as a spouse. He will want to move on to his new life, and I would encourage that so that I can move on with my life.

Him getting sick is different because he didn't choose that; a major lifestyle change, however, was specifically his choice and means that he no longer wants the life we had together.

What if it was polygamy and you liked the other wife?