Advice for a friend who lost her daughter

[camily]

One of my best friends lost her teenage daughter over the summer in a horrible accident. Overthe last week I have been helping her go into the bedroom and "touch" things. She hasn't wanted to because it was where her daughter had last touched it. It's hard, but she's ready.
She's afraid she will forget what her room looks like if she changes it. But she wants to.
The dirty laundry is still there. She likes to smell it. She will sit there holding her shirt to her face. It's heartbreaking. I completely understand though. I would do the same thing.
What are some suggestions as to how we can save these clothes so she can always have her scent. I've thought of vaccum sealing them but she wants access to them.
Her clean clothes are there and she doesn't want to get rid of them, yet she doesn't want them just hanging in the closet. I suggested haveing a quilt made from them. Any other suggestons?
If anyone has any suggestions concerning anything to do with the loss of a child, please let me know. I am taking her to a Compassionate Friends meeting next month as well.
She needs to feel it. She won't let herself. She's scared to let herself go there. She pushes it down. She has never let herself be mad and scream. She says it hurts too much to even go there. Good memories of her daughter are spattered with visions of the accident and her daughter dead.

 

[Geek]

One of my best friends lost her teenage daughter over the summer in a horrible accident. Overthe last week I have been helping her go into the bedroom and "touch" things. She hasn't wanted to because it was where her daughter had last touched it. It's hard, but she's ready.
She's afraid she will forget what her room looks like if she changes it. But she wants to.
The dirty laundry is still there. She likes to smell it. She will sit there holding her shirt to her face. It's heartbreaking. I completely understand though. I would do the same thing.
What are some suggestions as to how we can save these clothes so she can always have her scent. I've thought of vaccum sealing them but she wants access to them.
Her clean clothes are there and she doesn't want to get rid of them, yet she doesn't want them just hanging in the closet. I suggested haveing a quilt made from them. Any other suggestons?
If anyone has any suggestions concerning anything to do with the loss of a child, please let me know. I am taking her to a Compassionate Friends meeting next month as well.
She needs to feel it. She won't let herself. She's scared to let herself go there. She pushes it down. She has never let herself be mad and scream. She says it hurts too much to even go there. Good memories of her daughter are spattered with visions of the accident and her daughter dead.

The quilt is a great idea. The best chance she has of caring on is a supportive friend like you. I have a feeling your instincts in this matter will be right on.

 

[sanchezf]

One of my best friends lost her teenage daughter over the summer in a horrible accident. Overthe last week I have been helping her go into the bedroom and "touch" things. She hasn't wanted to because it was where her daughter had last touched it. It's hard, but she's ready.
She's afraid she will forget what her room looks like if she changes it. But she wants to.
The dirty laundry is still there. She likes to smell it. She will sit there holding her shirt to her face. It's heartbreaking. I completely understand though. I would do the same thing.
What are some suggestions as to how we can save these clothes so she can always have her scent. I've thought of vaccum sealing them but she wants access to them.
Her clean clothes are there and she doesn't want to get rid of them, yet she doesn't want them just hanging in the closet. I suggested haveing a quilt made from them. Any other suggestons?
If anyone has any suggestions concerning anything to do with the loss of a child, please let me know. I am taking her to a Compassionate Friends meeting next month as well.
She needs to feel it. She won't let herself. She's scared to let herself go there. She pushes it down. She has never let herself be mad and scream. She says it hurts too much to even go there. Good memories of her daughter are spattered with visions of the accident and her daughter dead.

I don't have any advice for you
but Godbless you for being such a great friend ...

 

[SoMDGirl42]

One of my best friends lost her teenage daughter over the summer in a horrible accident. Overthe last week I have been helping her go into the bedroom and "touch" things. She hasn't wanted to because it was where her daughter had last touched it. It's hard, but she's ready.
She's afraid she will forget what her room looks like if she changes it. But she wants to.
The dirty laundry is still there. She likes to smell it. She will sit there holding her shirt to her face. It's heartbreaking. I completely understand though. I would do the same thing.
What are some suggestions as to how we can save these clothes so she can always have her scent. I've thought of vaccum sealing them but she wants access to them.
Her clean clothes are there and she doesn't want to get rid of them, yet she doesn't want them just hanging in the closet. I suggested haveing a quilt made from them. Any other suggestons?
If anyone has any suggestions concerning anything to do with the loss of a child, please let me know. I am taking her to a Compassionate Friends meeting next month as well.
She needs to feel it. She won't let herself. She's scared to let herself go there. She pushes it down. She has never let herself be mad and scream. She says it hurts too much to even go there. Good memories of her daughter are spattered with visions of the accident and her daughter dead.

Rather than vaccum seal, can you just place them in a zippered bag that she can open and close for now. Healing takes time.

 

[rack'm]

I could not function if I lost either of my kids

 

[kwillia]

It's been my exerience that there is no specific time table for grieving and it can't be forced. As long as she's making baby steps... which it sounds like she is, then she's making progress. IMO, it's perfectly normal for it to take well over a year to get to the point where a person is ready for closure and feels they can begin to move on. I would think that would be expecially true in the case of an unexpected, horrific death. Baby steps.... keep helping her take baby steps.

 

[Baja28]

A parent should never have to bury their child. Be there like you have been and help her through it.

The zip lock bag seems like a good idea.

 

[camily]

It's been my exerience that there is no specific time table for grieving and it can't be forced. As long as she's making baby steps... which it sounds like she is, then she's making progress. IMO, it's perfectly normal for it to take well over a year to get to the point where a person is ready for closure and feels they can begin to move on. I would think that would be expecially true in the case of an unexpected, horrific death. Baby steps.... keep helping her take baby steps.

Exactly! It's suprising how many people have told her she needs to "move on". I tell her she can leave it there forever, or pack it up tomorrow as far as I'm concerned. I can't begin to give advice on it. I told her it is different for everyone. Take it at her own pace.

 

[tommyjones]

Exactly! It's suprising how many people have told her she needs to "move on". I tell her she can leave it there forever, or pack it up tomorrow as far as I'm concerned. I can't begin to give advice on it. I told her it is different for everyone. Take it at her own pace.

i would point her to one of the many support groups for parents who have lost children. At leaset that why she will have people with similar experiences to console her

 

[camily]

i would point her to one of the many support groups for parents who have lost children. At leaset that why she will have people with similar experiences to console her

That's what Compassionate Friends is. I think they will help alot! Thanks.

 

[nobody really]

That is so sad. I had a friend whose son died over the summer, and another friend who lost an infant years ago. Good friends like you are what she needs. My heart and prayers go out to her.

 

[Ladybug76]

I could not function if I lost either of my kids

I can't imagine anything worse. She's a great friend for trying to help.

 

[SoftballCrazy]

One of my best friends lost her teenage daughter over the summer in a horrible accident. Overthe last week I have been helping her go into the bedroom and "touch" things. She hasn't wanted to because it was where her daughter had last touched it. It's hard, but she's ready.
She's afraid she will forget what her room looks like if she changes it. But she wants to.
The dirty laundry is still there. She likes to smell it. She will sit there holding her shirt to her face. It's heartbreaking. I completely understand though. I would do the same thing.
What are some suggestions as to how we can save these clothes so she can always have her scent. I've thought of vaccum sealing them but she wants access to them.
Her clean clothes are there and she doesn't want to get rid of them, yet she doesn't want them just hanging in the closet. I suggested haveing a quilt made from them. Any other suggestons?
If anyone has any suggestions concerning anything to do with the loss of a child, please let me know. I am taking her to a Compassionate Friends meeting next month as well.
She needs to feel it. She won't let herself. She's scared to let herself go there. She pushes it down. She has never let herself be mad and scream. She says it hurts too much to even go there. Good memories of her daughter are spattered with visions of the accident and her daughter dead.

That is so incredibly sad. And here I was just fussing at my kid for not turning in his homework....a story like this makes you think about the big picture.

Sounds like you are doing a wonderful job w/ your friend, not rushing her and letting her take her time.

One thing that some people do w/ clothes is to make a pillow. When my Grandmother passed, the daughters all picked one of Granny's shirts, and someone made pillows out of them.

Good luck to your friend.

 

[camily]

That is so incredibly sad. And here I was just fussing at my kid for not turning in his homework....a story like this makes you think about the big picture.

Sounds like you are doing a wonderful job w/ your friend, not rushing her and letting her take her time.

One thing that some people do w/ clothes is to make a pillow. When my Grandmother passed, the daughters all picked one of Granny's shirts, and someone made pillows out of them.

Good luck to your friend.

Great idea! My mother had the same suggestion. That way she can hug it too!

 

[flomaster]

I really like the pillow or quilt idea. I don't even know what I would do. I know a few people that have had children pass and I still don't know how they function or even smile.

God Bless you for the effort.

 

[camily]

She asked me to put her daughters bed on Freecycle for her. I did today and of course got a taker. He wanted to come tomorrow. When I told her she asked if we coiuld make it Thursday. He was fine with that so Thursday it is. I could feel the anxiety in her voice. I told her all I had to do was let him know if she had changed her mind. She said no, that it's something she needs to do. I'm going over tomorrow to help her take it down. This will be so hard. She says as long as the bed is up, it's like she might come home. This is a huge step.

 

[missperky]

I don't even know what to say.. But I also like the pillow idea. Use one for the pillow and maybe a few others to stuff it with?

 

[Katt]

One of my best friends lost her teenage daughter over the summer in a horrible accident. Overthe last week I have been helping her go into the bedroom and "touch" things. She hasn't wanted to because it was where her daughter had last touched it. It's hard, but she's ready.
She's afraid she will forget what her room looks like if she changes it. But she wants to.
The dirty laundry is still there. She likes to smell it. She will sit there holding her shirt to her face. It's heartbreaking. I completely understand though. I would do the same thing.
What are some suggestions as to how we can save these clothes so she can always have her scent. I've thought of vaccum sealing them but she wants access to them.
Her clean clothes are there and she doesn't want to get rid of them, yet she doesn't want them just hanging in the closet. I suggested haveing a quilt made from them. Any other suggestons?
If anyone has any suggestions concerning anything to do with the loss of a child, please let me know. I am taking her to a Compassionate Friends meeting next month as well.
She needs to feel it. She won't let herself. She's scared to let herself go there. She pushes it down. She has never let herself be mad and scream. She says it hurts too much to even go there. Good memories of her daughter are spattered with visions of the accident and her daughter dead.

My sister is dieing of cancer and this thread is so touching. What a wonderful friend to do all that. God Bless!

 

[LusbyMom]

Exactly! It's suprising how many people have told her she needs to "move on". I tell her she can leave it there forever, or pack it up tomorrow as far as I'm concerned. I can't begin to give advice on it. I told her it is different for everyone. Take it at her own pace.

I understand the whole "move on" thing. I heard that alot when I lost my mom. People don't understand it's not that simple and everyone grieves different.

I don't really have an advice other then to let her move at her own pace. I do think the quilt idea is great. You are a terrific friend

 

[SoftballCrazy]

My sister is dieing of cancer and this thread is so touching. What a wonderful friend to do all that. God Bless!

Oh wow, sorry to hear that!