What happened is you claim that your car got keyed, you don't know when, where, or why, but seem fit to claim that it was because of your bumper sticker. What also happened is you snagged your ass on an armrest. We can surmise the reason for this, but a picture does come to mind, it ain't pretty, that's for sure. Then you seek restitution because you couldn't adequately squeeze through isles that are fairly wide.
I've got a mental picture of you too and the term "blow" is used in that one too, oh yeah, there is a donkey involved also.