Any advice for dealing with passive-aggressive behavior?

[Tonio]

My brother and his wife have been pulling this stuff off and on ever since my wife and I first began dating. Things like backhanded compliments, re-gifting of used stuff, snide comments about county locals (my wife comes from a local family).

Two years ago they hosted my family's Christmas. We had a commitment with my wife's family earlier in the day, and we gave my family our best guess as to when we would be arriving . When we got there, everyone had opened their presents already, and we had to sit there and open ours while everyone watched. Later, I asked some of my family who was to blame for this, and there was a lot of finger-pointing. If this happens again when my children are old enough to understand Christmas, how am I supposed to explain an insult like that?

Recently, my brother told a bad joke about my youngest daughter at a family gathering. I couldn't hear what he said (other side of the room), but I did hear everyone come down on him for the joke. I asked everyone what he said and I didn't get a response. When my wife told me about the joke a week later, I called my brother and told him I didn't appreciate what he said. He said he didn't remember telling the joke.

 

[Sharon]

Avoid them like the plague or don't complain.

Personally, I've started avoiding mine and they're starting to take notice. I'd rather be with my husband and kids on holidays rather than travel all over & see a bunch of people I don't hear from all year.

 

[Tonio]

I've considered that. But I really want my daughters to know both their families. Even though my parents and I have had a few disagreements over the years, they and the others in family have been wonderful to the girls.

 

[Sharon]

Originally posted by Tonio
But I really want my daughters to know both their families. Even though my parents and I have had a few disagreements over the years, they and the others in family have been wonderful to the girls.

How about visiting the day before or the day after (a holiday) when most of the relatives have gone back home?

You can't change their behavior, so you have to decide what's best. My kids are older so I give them a choice.

 

[JabbaJawz]

Can you and your wife ask your brother and his wife out to dinner (or something where ya'll are alone with no kids and no interruptions) and honestly discuss the situation?

 

[cattitude]

OH MY GOD!

Tonio, I had no idea we were related.

 

[Otter]

Re: OH MY GOD!

Originally posted by cattitude
Tonio, I had no idea we were related.

Ain't families fun??

 

[cattitude]

Re: Re: OH MY GOD!

Originally posted by otter


Ain't families fun??

Speaking of that, you talk to your sister today?

 

[vraiblonde]

Tonio, you can't change anyone's behavior - only your reaction to it.

Ignore the rude comments.

Have some fun with the re-gifting (my Mom does this and my sister and I make merciless fun of her )

Avoid the brother.

There's a reason why we stay here with Larry's family for the holidays and don't go to Lincoln with my family. Each year they do Christmas Eve at my cousin's house. Not only is her husband a drunk, but her father is, too. After the last time, I flat told my Mom I wasn't doing that ever again. I couldn't care less if my kids know that end of the family or not. I go out of my way to AVOID people like that - I'll be damned if I'll voluntarily spend a holiday with them.

:shrug:

 

[Otter]

Re: Re: Re: OH MY GOD!

Originally posted by cattitude
Speaking of that, you talk to your sister today?

Sorry, she made the iggy list today,too.

 

[Ehesef]

Tonio

I usually deal with them by cussing them out. Makes me feel better. :shrug:

 

[Tonio]

Re: Tonio

Originally posted by Ehesef
I usually deal with them by cussing them out. Makes me feel better. :shrug:

I've been tempted. I found this to be food for thought:

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A37311-2003Dec4.html

Dear Carolyn:

Please help me out here. I have a back-stabbing, manipulative, passive-aggressive mother-in-law. Here's the latest: I took the initiative for Mother's Day and purchased her a gift, and spent the same amount of money as I did on my own mother. I just recently found out she threw an absolute fit about the cost of the gift and said there was no thought put into it. (Not true, although the cost of the gift wasn't very high.) How do I deal with this?

St. Louis

Anyone who has a fit because a Mother's Day gift isn't expensive enough is making a complete ass of herself. All you need to do is graciously sit back and let her.

I know you're looking for immediate gratification, but I urge you to find a way to be patient (long walks, yoga, photography, Scotch tape, darts), lest you be tempted to stoop to her level -- or worse, validate her complaints.

If you have the discipline to do it nicely, you could also scare her speechless and, ideally, fitless: "I just learned that you didn't like my Mother's Day gift. I was terribly sorry to hear that."

Stud Muffy, 1. Back-stabber, 0.

 

[vraiblonde]

"I just learned that you didn't like my Mother's Day gift. I was terribly sorry to hear that."

I love stuff like that! Embarrass the azz as they deserve! Ideally in front of a bunch of other people!

 

[Pete]

See I am of a slightly less refine cut than most of the fine people here on the forums. I would walk up to my brother and calmly reach back and knock the $#^%# dog $%^# out of him, pause slightly then proceed with a 100% undeniable $%% woopin. I would then stop pull the pre-rehearsed speech from my pocket and read it...."I am disgusted to have you as relatives blah blah. At this time just leave and don't ever go back. Every year send the brother a card asking him if he still remembers the @## woopin he got and if he wants another?

But thats just the heathen in me :shrug: I find agressive/agressive behavior to snid passive agressive types works.

 

[Ehesef]

Originally posted by Pete
See I am of a slightly less refine cut than most of the fine people here on the forums. I would walk up to my brother and calmly reach back and knock the $#^%# dog $%^# out of him, pause slightly then proceed with a 100% undeniable $%% woopin. I would then stop pull the pre-rehearsed speach from my pocket and read it...."I am disgusted to have you as relatives blah blah. At this time just leave and don't ever go back. Every year send the brother a card asking him if he still remembers the @## woopin he got and if he wants another?

But thats just the heathen in me :shrug:

 

[vraiblonde]

Okay, I just saw that the brother told a bad joke about your daughter, not to her.

So to Pete.

 

[Tonio]

Originally posted by vraiblonde
Okay, I just saw that the brother told a bad joke about your daughter, not to her.

So to Pete.

Thanks. Since my younger daughter is less than a year old, I doubt she would understand the joke. (But she does giggle when I tickle her tummy.)

 

[Pete]

Originally posted by vraiblonde
Okay, I just saw that the brother told a bad joke about your daughter, not to her.

So to Pete.

I am sure Lucy would find all kinds of fault with my method but hey, who says we all have to live by some book?

 

[vraiblonde]

Originally posted by Tonio
my younger daughter is less than a year old

Now I'm curious what kind of a bad joke can be made about an infant. But don't tell me because then I'll just get mad and want to beat up your brother myself.

 

[Danzig]

If you want, I could get drunk and call them up for you.