Brass Hat gits a Round Tuit

[Railroad]

Brass Hat gits a Round Tuit<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-comfficeffice" /><o></o>

<o></o>

Th' dang porch light's been out fer months. Th' Missus complains about it dang near ever' day, an' I (really, now) intend ta git it fixed soon's I git around to it. <o></o>

Th' Missus hates that "when I git around to it" sayin' worse'n havin' a mouse in yer pantry. So yestiddy mornin' she tole me about th' porch light agin, an' I started ta tell 'er all about gittin' around to it, an' she went postal on me! <o></o>

"Now lissen here, Mister Man," she hollered, "you got till I git home ta fix that light, or yer gonna find out what it costs ta pay fer a high-dollar 'lectrishun ta fix it!"<o></o>

She stomped off an' peeled rubber pullin' outa th' driveway, an left me standin' in th' kitchen by th' Mr. Coffee. <o></o>

So, okay, there I go, gittin' th' ladder out an' settin' it up on th' dang porch, an' takin' th' dang globe off th' fixture. <o></o>

Now boys, riddle me this: why in tarnation would a manafatcherur make sompin' intended fer th' outside, outa plain ole steel? I gotta tell ya, them screws was welded in place by rust! After gittin' some rust in my eye, almost fallin' off th' ladder when th' screwdriver slipped, I was gittin' purty fired up. <o></o>

So I go diggin' around in th' shed fer some penetratin' oil. You know, like that 3-in-one or dubya dee forty. An' o' course, I ain't got any. <o></o>

A feller I useta know down t' th' Dew Drop Inn tole me about usin' automatic transmission fluid instead. Well, all of a sudden I remembered that, an shore 'nuff, there on th' shelf was a bottle o' Type A tranny fluid. <o></o>

I headed back to th' porch, got up on th' dang ladder, and started dribblin' tranny fluid on them dang screws.<o></o>

Now boys, there's times in life where timin' is everything. Why, whole entire wars a' been won ' er lost on timin'. <o></o>

This partic'lar time, tryin' ta dribble fluid while on a ladder, was not th' right time fer a sneeze. <o></o>

It 'uz a doozy of a sneeze, too - th' kind that takes you off yer feet. I tole ya this wudn't the right time fer a sneeze. <o></o>

Next thang I know, I'm layin' on my back on th' dang porch, lookin' up at about a pint o' tranny fluid, splattered all over th' light, th' white sidin', th' ladder, an' th' porch. <o></o>

Well, I got my sore behind up offa th' porch, an' went lookin' fer some real strong soap, like that four-oh-nine or somethin'. <o></o>

Does yore Missus buy stuff in bulk an' keep it in little unlabeled squirt bottles? <o></o>

Here I am, standin' in th' pantry, lookin' at half a dozen little white squirt bottles. Some has differnt heads on 'em, but other 'n that, they all look th' same. <o></o>

So I took 'em all out on th' porch an' tried squirtin' each one on that tranny fluid. <o></o>

Well, by the time I got ta bottle number six, I had me a kinda sludge a-slidin' down the sidin'. It was makin' a funny-lookin' brown pool at the bottom of th' wall. <o></o>

Then m' left hand (my squirtin' hand) started itchin.' <o></o>

I wiped m' hand off on m' pants and started wonderin' which bottle coulda been four-oh-nine. <o></o>

Then m' leg started itchin', right where I wiped off my hand. <o></o>

Then m'leg felt kinda warm while it was itchin'. I looked down an' boy howdy, I'll be darned if that dang stuff wasn't eatin' a hole in my dark-blue Dickies! <o></o>

Then m' leg started REALLY itchin' an' burnin! I jumped off th' porch an' headed fer the front o' the house (where th' dang hose is) ta rinse this stuff offa me.<o></o>

By th' time I got to the hose, right in front o' our pitcher winda, I hadda git them Dickies off - the burnin' was sompin' terrible! <o></o>

So I shucked them pants off, got th' hose a-goin, an' started squirtin.'
<o></o>

Then I noticed Miz Thelma an' her girlfriends all gawkin' at me from acrost the street. <o></o>
Then th' Missus pulled inta th' driveway. :flush: <o></o>

I'm still tryin' ta explain I wasn't tryin' ta give the neighbors a thrill. I got a shiner from the Missus, a black-an-blue butt from th' porch, a goose-egg on my head from th' Missus, an' a round patch o' chemical suntan on m' leg. The electrishun an' the sidin' feller are jist about finished; only cost a few hunnert bucks...... <o></o>

<o></o>

 

[Suz]

Brass Hat gits a Round Tuit<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-comfficeffice" /><o></o>

<o></o>

Th' dang porch light's been out fer months. Th' Missus complains about it dang near ever' day, an' I (really, now) intend ta git it fixed soon's I git around to it. <o></o>

Th' Missus hates that "when I git around to it" sayin' worse'n havin' a mouse in yer pantry. So yestiddy mornin' she tole me about th' porch light agin, an' I started ta tell 'er all about gittin' around to it, an' she went postal on me! <o></o>

"Now lissen here, Mister Man," she hollered, "you got till I git home ta fix that light, or yer gonna find out what it costs ta pay fer a high-dollar 'lectrishun ta fix it!"<o></o>

She stomped off an' peeled rubber pullin' outa th' driveway, an left me standin' in th' kitchen by th' Mr. Coffee. <o></o>

So, okay, there I go, gittin' th' ladder out an' settin' it up on th' dang porch, an' takin' th' dang globe off th' fixture. <o></o>

Now boys, riddle me this: why in tarnation would a manafatcherur make sompin' intended fer th' outside, outa plain ole steel? I gotta tell ya, them screws was welded in place by rust! After gittin' some rust in my eye, almost fallin' off th' ladder when th' screwdriver slipped, I was gittin' purty fired up. <o></o>

So I go diggin' around in th' shed fer some penetratin' oil. You know, like that 3-in-one or dubya dee forty. An' o' course, I ain't got any. <o></o>

A feller I useta know down t' th' Dew Drop Inn tole me about usin' automatic transmission fluid instead. Well, all of a sudden I remembered that, an shore 'nuff, there on th' shelf was a bottle o' Type A tranny fluid. <o></o>

I headed back to th' porch, got up on th' dang ladder, and started dribblin' tranny fluid on them dang screws.<o></o>

Now boys, there's times in life where timin' is everything. Why, whole entire wars a' been won ' er lost on timin'. <o></o>

This partic'lar time, tryin' ta dribble fluid while on a ladder, was not th' right time fer a sneeze. <o></o>

It 'uz a doozy of a sneeze, too - th' kind that takes you off yer feet. I tole ya this wudn't the right time fer a sneeze. <o></o>

Next thang I know, I'm layin' on my back on th' dang porch, lookin' up at about a pint o' tranny fluid, splattered all over th' light, th' white sidin', th' ladder, an' th' porch. <o></o>

Well, I got my sore behind up offa th' porch, an' went lookin' fer some real strong soap, like that four-oh-nine or somethin'. <o></o>

Does yore Missus buy stuff in bulk an' keep it in little unlabeled squirt bottles? <o></o>

Here I am, standin' in th' pantry, lookin' at half a dozen little white squirt bottles. Some has differnt heads on 'em, but other 'n that, they all look th' same. <o></o>

So I took 'em all out on th' porch an' tried squirtin' each one on that tranny fluid. <o></o>

Well, by the time I got ta bottle number six, I had me a kinda sludge a-slidin' down the sidin'. It was makin' a funny-lookin' brown pool at the bottom of th' wall. <o></o>

Then m' left hand (my squirtin' hand) started itchin.' <o></o>

I wiped m' hand off on m' pants and started wonderin' which bottle coulda been four-oh-nine. <o></o>

Then m' leg started itchin', right where I wiped off my hand. <o></o>

Then m'leg felt kinda warm while it was itchin'. I looked down an' boy howdy, I'll be darned if that dang stuff wasn't eatin' a hole in my dark-blue Dickies! <o></o>

Then m' leg started REALLY itchin' an' burnin! I jumped off th' porch an' headed fer the front o' the house (where th' dang hose is) ta rinse this stuff offa me.<o></o>

By th' time I got to the hose, right in front o' our pitcher winda, I hadda git them Dickies off - the burnin' was sompin' terrible! <o></o>

So I shucked them pants off, got th' hose a-goin, an' started squirtin.'
<o></o>

Then I noticed Miz Thelma an' her girlfriends all gawkin' at me from acrost the street. <o></o>
Then th' Missus pulled inta th' driveway. :flush: <o></o>

I'm still tryin' ta explain I wasn't tryin' ta give the neighbors a thrill. I got a shiner from the Missus, a black-an-blue butt from th' porch, a goose-egg on my head from th' Missus, an' a round patch o' chemical suntan on m' leg. The electrishun an' the sidin' feller are jist about finished; only cost a few hunnert bucks...... <o></o>

<o></o>

 

[jazz lady]

Zutard...Is that YOU?

 

[Railroad]

Thank You!!!

Glad you liked it! Nope, I'm not Zutard. This is actually from my archives - I wrote this when I was a member of another forum. I have a few of these (sadly, many have been lost). People keep telling me to compile them and put them in a book - I might, someday.

I'm thinking about changing Brass Hat's name to "Ol' Ned." That way the title of the book could be, "Raising Ol' Ned" which is an old slang expression for raising h-e-!-!.

Anyhow, there's more to come. Some of the stories are very seasonal, so I hesitate to post them out-of-season.