Larry Gude
Strung Out
...in the pursuit of happiness.
It is my opinion that two things matter in a relationship; compatibility and the ability to resolve disagreements in a mutually satisfactory fashion over time which, frankly, is just another compatibility. Now, I say this with 3 divorces so, take that 2,000 pound grain of salt into consideration.
So, to you, what is included in a general outline of a great marriage, partnership?
#1 seems obvious; attraction. That can be problematic, especially for the young as they have little in terms of context to help them weigh initial attraction over time never mind personal development, growth of interests, passions, desires, likes, etc. Simply growing apart.
It seems to me the list can end at #2, ability to resolve differences. Attraction is a compatibility and how you deal with life thereafter is everything else. Day to day living together, family, sex, religion, money, neighbors, goals, dreams, everything. Agreed? No?
Every significant relationship I've ever had, adult ones, frayed over time over incompatibilities that existed at the outset that, ultimately, were not resolved to mutual satisfaction over time. I suppose there are plenty of relationships that never had any incompatibilities but I presume any one that lasts simply finds ways, whatever comes up, to resolves things satisfactorily even if it is simply dealing with it or ignoring it. I say this to mean that, in my view, if you keep going together, you've resolved it to satisfaction on an ongoing basis and that doesn't mean 'perfect' or you won or they did or that it doesn't recur but simply that, day after day, it's good enough to stay together. I'm not real big on people saying "Oh, I didn't know they were like THAT until later!" Sure you did. Maybe you ignored it or didn't think it would be that big a deal but you were at least aware. So, then what? Resolve to mutual satisfaction or cash in your chips, take what you've learned, growth, and life goes on.
This is inspired with the recent beginning of a relationship that has my head swimming in a warm sea of compatibilities. The other major relationships of my life, as I say, had incompatibilities at the outset that I recognized at the time and I, at the time, weighed all the good stuff, the compatibilities, as being likely to over come. The power of love, the power to conquer all. Some I even thought out as differences that may become assets. I mean, when we come right down to it, unless it's something major like addictions, violence, bad breathe, how you gonna know unless you REALLY know yourself? And how the heck do you get to REALLY know yourself other than diving in? We're all just theories until we commit.
That said, over time, I've come to be of the opinion that something that rises to the level of 'incompatible' is just that. I'm not talking preference. I'm talking the big picture items listed above. My last attempt at this in forum form, it seems, was too personal and deeply offended a person which lead me to think maybe it would offend most or any other woman, as was suggested by some forum members so, there, you told me so, so, I'll take that advice and leave anything remotely specific out of this and just focus on generalities.
Long story short; I can't find anything that I am excusing away as something the good stuff will over come. By now, EVERY other relationship, I was able to identify some things, them, me, that were incompatible that I would then ponder as "OK, so, that's just different and that's OK because it's not a big deal/we'll work it out/maybe her way is better/the good will over come etc.
This is the most compatible I've experienced. It's early on, however, as I say, in my view, it doesn't take long to recognize differences and/or incompatibilities.
And now I want to write a whole big long list of personal #### because I just like talking about this stuff...but, I won't. At least not too personal.
So, what is YOUR personal stuff, your compatibility list(s), attractions, day to day stuff, family, money, sex, religion, goals, dreams, the big stuff. Not the preferences but the ties that bind?
It is my opinion that two things matter in a relationship; compatibility and the ability to resolve disagreements in a mutually satisfactory fashion over time which, frankly, is just another compatibility. Now, I say this with 3 divorces so, take that 2,000 pound grain of salt into consideration.
So, to you, what is included in a general outline of a great marriage, partnership?
#1 seems obvious; attraction. That can be problematic, especially for the young as they have little in terms of context to help them weigh initial attraction over time never mind personal development, growth of interests, passions, desires, likes, etc. Simply growing apart.
It seems to me the list can end at #2, ability to resolve differences. Attraction is a compatibility and how you deal with life thereafter is everything else. Day to day living together, family, sex, religion, money, neighbors, goals, dreams, everything. Agreed? No?
Every significant relationship I've ever had, adult ones, frayed over time over incompatibilities that existed at the outset that, ultimately, were not resolved to mutual satisfaction over time. I suppose there are plenty of relationships that never had any incompatibilities but I presume any one that lasts simply finds ways, whatever comes up, to resolves things satisfactorily even if it is simply dealing with it or ignoring it. I say this to mean that, in my view, if you keep going together, you've resolved it to satisfaction on an ongoing basis and that doesn't mean 'perfect' or you won or they did or that it doesn't recur but simply that, day after day, it's good enough to stay together. I'm not real big on people saying "Oh, I didn't know they were like THAT until later!" Sure you did. Maybe you ignored it or didn't think it would be that big a deal but you were at least aware. So, then what? Resolve to mutual satisfaction or cash in your chips, take what you've learned, growth, and life goes on.
This is inspired with the recent beginning of a relationship that has my head swimming in a warm sea of compatibilities. The other major relationships of my life, as I say, had incompatibilities at the outset that I recognized at the time and I, at the time, weighed all the good stuff, the compatibilities, as being likely to over come. The power of love, the power to conquer all. Some I even thought out as differences that may become assets. I mean, when we come right down to it, unless it's something major like addictions, violence, bad breathe, how you gonna know unless you REALLY know yourself? And how the heck do you get to REALLY know yourself other than diving in? We're all just theories until we commit.
That said, over time, I've come to be of the opinion that something that rises to the level of 'incompatible' is just that. I'm not talking preference. I'm talking the big picture items listed above. My last attempt at this in forum form, it seems, was too personal and deeply offended a person which lead me to think maybe it would offend most or any other woman, as was suggested by some forum members so, there, you told me so, so, I'll take that advice and leave anything remotely specific out of this and just focus on generalities.
Long story short; I can't find anything that I am excusing away as something the good stuff will over come. By now, EVERY other relationship, I was able to identify some things, them, me, that were incompatible that I would then ponder as "OK, so, that's just different and that's OK because it's not a big deal/we'll work it out/maybe her way is better/the good will over come etc.
This is the most compatible I've experienced. It's early on, however, as I say, in my view, it doesn't take long to recognize differences and/or incompatibilities.
And now I want to write a whole big long list of personal #### because I just like talking about this stuff...but, I won't. At least not too personal.
So, what is YOUR personal stuff, your compatibility list(s), attractions, day to day stuff, family, money, sex, religion, goals, dreams, the big stuff. Not the preferences but the ties that bind?
