This has the potential to be a truly entertaining thread.
Compatibility...
- Thread starter Larry Gude
- Start date
This has the potential to be a truly entertaining thread.
Larry Gude
Strung Out
I guess this is a tough one for me to express? She's a vibrant, engaged person with a quick mind and similar sense of humor, part bawdy and part just light hearted and see the fun and funny in stuff. My last serious relationship I knew going in she was not a conversationalist and maybe that is a good example of what I mean? The x, I knew it going in but thought 'you know, maybe this is where I need to be, maybe this is good, less to say, more doing, more just letting things be without constantly digging into it. Maybe it was predictable that that became a problem but I was aware and my intentions were sincere; try something different if what you've been doing isn't working.
So, from that, I KNOW my ideal gal is a talker, a listener, interested in what I have to say, interested in expressing her thoughts. So, from there, differing opinions, that's kinda an ephemeral thing, little moments of comment or expression on the one hand vs. ideological differences. I find myself a LOT less interested in ideology the last few years because I've seen too many different things work and just as many fail. I'm a lot more philosophical about life and that lends itself to being able to enjoy comments about whatever and enjoy getting into them and leave behind any sort of preset ideology. I can just enjoy it so, it...I guess...just a lot more fun now because I'm focusing much more on listening and then responding and somewhat less on expressing my own view point as they're not as firm or urgent as I used to feel and think.
This might not make any sense but the last thing, or one of the things I am not worried about is being bored with her mind.
Larry Gude
Strung Out
Larry Gude
Strung Out
Ok, so we're putting this weekend down in the 'compatible' column. 
First time I've hung out with her dog. Never judge a dog by it's coat. :shrug: Good sized labradoodle. Total froo froo looking thing. I was expecting this to be one incompatibility. Dog is awesome, run, play, took to me right away, took her for a long hike down to the crik, fun, athletic dog. Gonna take some time to get her chilled out with the chickens.
Just wants to play with them, chase them around but she won't hurt them and doesn't have a mean bone in her body. A lot like the Duck people show where Si has a good looking hunting dog that turns out to not be worth a damn and ended up with a labradoodle that is awesome. Same dog it seems.
First time I've hung out with her dog. Never judge a dog by it's coat. :shrug: Good sized labradoodle. Total froo froo looking thing. I was expecting this to be one incompatibility. Dog is awesome, run, play, took to me right away, took her for a long hike down to the crik, fun, athletic dog. Gonna take some time to get her chilled out with the chickens.
Just wants to play with them, chase them around but she won't hurt them and doesn't have a mean bone in her body. A lot like the Duck people show where Si has a good looking hunting dog that turns out to not be worth a damn and ended up with a labradoodle that is awesome. Same dog it seems.
I saw one of those things on Facebook which I re-posted, because for once it actually seemed like it said something of value, but the gist of it was that
Marriage arrives as an empty box. It's not full of romance, affection, fulfillment and happiness. You have to put those things into it, and if you take more than you put in, it will always be empty. It *feels* that way, because at the start of a relationship, you always FEEL so strongly, you think all that stuff is in there, but it isn't.
I have way too many friends and acquaintances who feel that once "the thrill is gone" that marriage (and love) is over.
I just shrug and tell them - sometimes - they haven't the faintest idea what love is.
That's not to say I'm not simply amazed by older couples who keep the spark going, like my parents. My dad is retired, and he's been known to chase my mom's car down the driveway in his bathrobe and shaving cream on his face - because he wants to kiss her goodbye. Twenty years ago, they weren't like that at all, and thirty years ago, I thought they were headed for divorce. My mom said it took a total reversal of attitude for her, and the man she criticized became the man she deeply admires.
It took work. On my wedding day, my dad told me the best advice I got that day - he said when you feel like you're doing more than your share, in all likelihood you're probably pulling about even.
Marriage arrives as an empty box. It's not full of romance, affection, fulfillment and happiness. You have to put those things into it, and if you take more than you put in, it will always be empty. It *feels* that way, because at the start of a relationship, you always FEEL so strongly, you think all that stuff is in there, but it isn't.
I have way too many friends and acquaintances who feel that once "the thrill is gone" that marriage (and love) is over.
I just shrug and tell them - sometimes - they haven't the faintest idea what love is.
That's not to say I'm not simply amazed by older couples who keep the spark going, like my parents. My dad is retired, and he's been known to chase my mom's car down the driveway in his bathrobe and shaving cream on his face - because he wants to kiss her goodbye. Twenty years ago, they weren't like that at all, and thirty years ago, I thought they were headed for divorce. My mom said it took a total reversal of attitude for her, and the man she criticized became the man she deeply admires.
It took work. On my wedding day, my dad told me the best advice I got that day - he said when you feel like you're doing more than your share, in all likelihood you're probably pulling about even.
Larry Gude
Strung Out
What of the above is off FB and what of the above is your personal experience?
The second paragraph is partly a paraphrase of Facebook. The rest is my experience.
Larry Gude
Strung Out
At my age, my circumstance, kids growed up, my experiences, that box is going to be about compatibility at this point. It has to be. I don't have the strength or the interest in something I have to work at which is to say I'm not going to work at making the best of incompatibilities. More than happy, eager to work at the fun of a compatible relationship. I've become a lot more philosophical about life and I'm a LOT closer to being dead than I am to the vibrancy and piss and vinegar and fight of being young and willing and eager to 'figure it all out and make it happen'. There is no reason two people can't just be effortlessly happy. It seems to very much be a choice.
kwillia
n/a
Well of course the pressure is off now that you and anyone else your age range is no longer looking for and counting on the longevity one hopes to achieve when building, filling and maintaining a home for their children.
At my age, my circumstance, kids growed up, my experiences, that box is going to be about compatibility at this point. It has to be. I don't have the strength or the interest in something I have to work at which is to say I'm not going to work at making the best of incompatibilities. More than happy, eager to work at the fun of a compatible relationship. I've become a lot more philosophical about life and I'm a LOT closer to being dead than I am to the vibrancy and piss and vinegar and fight of being young and willing and eager to 'figure it all out and make it happen'. There is no reason two people can't just be effortlessly happy. It seems to very much be a choice.
Why would anyone not want the BuddyLee definition of romance... "as long as love shall last"... at this point in life...:shrug:
But is not at all what 20 or 30-somethings who hope to start a family should strive for or settle on.
Larry Gude
Strung Out
Totally agree.
kwillia
n/a
How I would chose to date now that I'm in my 40s is totally different than how my 20-something children should be viewing dating.
I've never seen it. But perhaps every single person I've ever known just has more foibles and problems than anyone you have.
I had that maybe ONCE - it was a roommate who was only there a few evenings a week and he kept to himself.
I do think that age mellows most people out a lot. My two sisters were habitually at each other's throats for decades. I never knew what the latest
fight was about, but there always was one. Now that they are both 50+ and divorced and children all moved out, they live together and are best friends.
But I've known dogs from the same litter that occasionally fought. Everybody does.
When you're younger, you tell yourself - "pick your battles". Do you end a relationship because they insist on putting the toilet paper roll the other way?
Because they tell the same jokes all the time? Because they laugh funny? Because they're a Cowboys fan? Hopefully, with age, you realize, giving up on someone
for trivial things like that is stupid. Getting older, you don't "pick your battles". You just know it should never be a fight at all. When you're a young parent, the
kid screaming pisses you off and drives you crazy - but as you get older, it just doesn't bother you the same way. At least, for many of us.
The single thing that frustrated my earliest relationships is kind of like the climate change argument - we have this idea that things should stay the same,
and they don't. We think that ideally, people should just stay the way we liked them - and they change. Took me a while to get used to the idea.
Then a funny thing happens. You get old - and people DON'T change. They don't change their habits and opinions. You have to either accept them warts and all
- literally - or you don't. My parents seem to be the exception. There's no question in my mind they were headed apart by the late 80's. They'd grown apart, and
they didn't respect each other. They never had a lot in common, and when we were all moved out, that became evident. They loved each other, but it wasn't easy
to make it work. They got up together, did things together, had regular date nights and did volunteer work together. They found ways to respect the person they'd
always known. I realize it sounds sappy, but just as teenagers grow to respect their parents over the course of their young adult life, they were able to do the same
with each other, even though they were still dealing with the same person.
Maybe age does that. Maybe there's something about the realization that death is nearer than you suspect that makes you realize, time is just too precious.
Larry Gude
Strung Out
That's depressingly cynical and we're not talking about EVERYONE. She and I are both post child rearing. That is HUGE. And, from there, the point of the thread, compatibility, so far, so very good.
You're folks sound like a great story. Good for them!
As for 'pick your battles', I'm looking for a relationship where there are no battles to choose from. That seems to be a combination of, as you mention, letting a LOT of little things go so that they don't have the energy they need to become something larger. I like your 'things change' point and that is key; HOW do they change? Matter of degree? Seismically? Certainly, that is an unknown so, the more compatibilities we have going for us, the better, like strands in a net, I think.
Larry Gude
Strung Out
When you aren't raising children, and you don't need a financial provider, it sure takes a lot off the table in terms of relationship stress. The kids are viewing dating as auditioning potential co-parents and co-signers on a home loan - as they should at their age with all that ahead of them. But once you're done with all that, you can just have fun and enjoy each other without all the day to day decision making and stress that young couples have.
That's unrealistic. You're going to piss each other off at some point. But then you have to decide which you want: to have a happy relationship with this person, or to win an argument. I think that's where a lot of couples go awry; they get caught up in some silly disagreement, decide that they need to win, and get hoisted by their own petard.
Which is why I always mention that people change - even if you've reached some relationship nirvana where you both get along wonderfully, people do change, and that seemingly endless bliss will always end. And in a prior post I mentioned friends who burn through relationships repeatedly, because they think the problem is they haven't found the right person when to my eyes they simply haven't learned to accept people the way they are. They think because the rush of romantic feelings they had at the beginning has faded that it's over, when I struggle vainly to tell them THAT set of feelings *always* fades, but it can be replaced with something stronger and better. Most of us parents experience this with children - you always love them, even when you'd like to wring their neck, but much of the affection you felt when they were small has been replaced by a different sentiment.
Which leads back to a point I didn't explicitly make - that when you love someone when you're older, it can be much better or much worse. Either you've never learned to adapt to differences, or you've successfully learned that some things just don't matter, some battles just don't need to be fought. When you take them to the hospital and realize you might lose them forever, you realize that all the things that infuriated you yesterday aren't worth a thing.
I do think that if present self could talk to future self and explain all the things we don't like and have argued over, future self will roll their eyes and laugh and maybe cry a little. Sometimes the things that piss us off so much today will seem laughable some day.
Larry Gude
Strung Out
Well, of course, knowing me as you do, did, you are right about the latter and that is why I am right about the former. When I consciously began to work on no longer seeing opportunities for a disagreement throughout my life and actively thinking before reacting, it became like anything else; I got better at it. Except golf. But, that's a different story. In any event, the compatibility thing means less opportunities to begin with and working at the mindset change, those two coupled together are like a happiness force multiplier, reinforcing one another. Over simplified, like a drinking problem, less time spent with a drinker coupled with working at less interest in drinking = less potential, way less potential, for a drinking problem.
So, of course, you're right that, as some point, some thing, somewhere, the possibility exists but again, the more compatibility, the more compatibility. She and I had a misunderstanding two weeks ago and I felt 'it' coming on, wanting an explanation, but I caught myself and thought it through and realized it was MY misunderstanding; I assumed something she did not say. A potentially hurtful moment was totally avoided. Even better, she picked up that something was up, as I was processing this, and I told how kewl it was she picked up on it and explained what I was thinking and it was this well managed moment. Caught myself looking for a problem that did not exist.
Larry Gude
Strung Out
Now that is an interesting question. Do we change, really? So, when we say 'change' what do we mean by that? For example, I've ALWAYS loved good conversation. In my last significant relationship, I knew going in she wasn't a conversationalist and I was conscious of it and I thought maybe it could be good as, in my past, Vrai and I are both big time conversationalists yet sometimes we'd talk ourselves into an argument, her fault, my fault, both, neither. Point being maybe less conversation could be a good thing? So, I knew that going in but was not confident enough that conversation was simply something I would need and that other issues lead to the arguments, not conversation itself. So, it took me that process to find that that had not changed about me, at all, and, I think, never will.
libertytyranny
Dream Stealer
But I would like to think when you are younger, the better thing to do is find someone you enjoy, if you truly want the marriage to be forever, not just when raising kids. They grow up and move on, you're still stuck with your SO. Obviously you need someone with an actual job and who is not abusive to children..but wouldn't you want that anyway?
