Do you stay or do you go

[crabcake]

when there are kids involved?

I chose "No, let the kids see you happy in a healthy relationship". This realization solidified my ex-h's and my decision to split. We couldn't imagine watching our daughter stay married to someone just because 'that's what she's supposed to do' ... and if she learns it from us, that's what she'll likely do. We did everything we could (counseling, church, etc.) to try to make things work, but they didn't. Aside from his lack of common sense to things, we get along great today for her benefit and don't catfight over crap.

 

[mainman]

Originally posted by crabcake
when there are kids involved?

Every situation is different... It was time, trust me when I say that....

 

[pixiegirl]

I went. I didn't want my son to grow up with a mom who was unhappy all the time. Even if you can manage to put on a happy face around your kids they're not as stupid as you think and can see through it. What would that have taught him? I feel it's MY responsibility to ensure that my son is raised in a happy loving home. And in all honesty I feel that I'm a much more effective mother now that I'm happy.

 

[SxyPrincess]

Get out FOR the kids. Yes, they're going to be sad and miserable when their parents divorce, but seeing their parents fight and argue everyday will only make it worse.

 

[vraiblonde]

Originally posted by SxyPrincess
Get out FOR the kids.

Sorry, Dr. Laura - sometimes the best thing you can do for your kids is to divorce their other parent. I know I wanted my kids to see a healthy, happy marriage and have that to base their future decisions on, not some weird dysfunctional thing. Sorry if my ex is reading this, but Larry has been a great Dad to my kids - they got a much better deal out of it than if I'd stayed with their father.

 

[Dymphna]

The answer is "it depends"

If it's an abusive relationship. The answer is leave for the kid's sake. Even if it starts out as spousal abuse, chances are it'll end up as child abuse.

As for the rest, a marriage is about the couple, not the kids. If you made the commitment, you should do everything you can to work it out. You made a promise, to him and to yourself. You should never break promises, especially such an important one, lightly. That's not a precident you should set for yourself or your children.

That said, after making every effort possible to hold the marriage together you come to the conclusion that you can't stay together. Then end it. Try to do so in such a way that the kids get as stable a life as possible. Stay civil with the ex for the kids sake, but don't stay married.

 

[crabcake]

I agree that, so long as you've tried everything you can possibly do to make things work, you should not let the fact you have kids hold you from being happy.

On the bright side, if you put forth the effort of doing all you can, you can at least have the knowledge that you can tell your kids you gave it your best shot, and sometimes, even when you DO give it your all, things just don't work out the way you want/expect them too.

 

[Kain99]

I hate this thread.....

 

[crabcake]

Who/Where are the "yes" people

 

[vraiblonde]

Gauge the unhappiness factor vs. the trauma to your kids. I never thought, "Will I be happier with or without him?". I thought, "Will my kids be better off?" If there's no abuse and you're just some flake who needs to go "find herself" , then you should stay in the marriage until your kids are grown and gone.

But then, I didn't heed my own advice and I'm perfectly happy. And my kids are better off so :shrug:

 

[crabcake]

Originally posted by vraiblonde
Gauge the unhappiness factor vs. the trauma to your kids. I never thought, "Will I be happier with or without him?". I thought, "Will my kids be better off?" If there's no abuse and you're just some flake who needs to go "find herself" , then you should stay in the marriage until your kids are grown and gone.

But then, I didn't heed my own advice and I'm perfectly happy. And my kids are better off so :shrug:

I agree w/ the flake thing ... but... you know how your parents always tell you (when your kids are babies) to hold 'em, snuggle 'em, and love 'em every chance you get b/c they won't stay that way forever. I feel as though the same should go for yourself ... you only get one life to live just like your kids ... if they're young (i.e. 5 yrs), why should you waste 13 good, solid, youthful, child-bearing years with someone you don't love anymore.

(edit) I just felt the need to also post that it's not that I don't care about my daughter's well-being. Those who truly know me know that she comes first in my life. But how can she be happy if I'm not and it's showing in my attention toward her, our homelife, etc.

 

[mainman]

I did not vote..

because of the nature of our split up.
I believe my child as well as myself were in a life threatening environment.. That is why I find it harder to weigh in on these types of threads...

 

[jazz lady]

Originally posted by SxyPrincess
Get out FOR the kids. Yes, they're going to be sad and miserable when their parents divorce, but seeing their parents fight and argue everyday will only make it worse.

I remember the screaming and drunken rages from my father before the divorce while they "tried to work it out for the kids' sake." It took me a long time to get over that (and his subsequent abandonment of us).

Unfortunately, my mother remarried to a guy who was "Mr. Right" for the first year or so. But he descended into alcoholism, and her along with him. He abused her and us kids, both physically and mentally.

Fortunately, she found the courage to go to AA and then gave him the boot after he wouldn't admit he had a problem. I'm very proud of her for doing that.

 

[vraiblonde]

I just think the kids should come first, before your own personal happiness. You can pursue happiness once they're grown and gone. But I also think it's important to show them a successful marriage while they're in their formative years.

My grandparents had an arranged marriage - true story. They raised 4 kids in a loving household, with plenty of guidance and good example. Then, the minute my Aunt Jean Glee left for college, they divorced, remarried and lived happily ever after.

So I guess it depends on the situation.

 

[nomoney]

I said yes; and this is why (bare with me; i have a very very bad sinus headache; so I cant seem to think to straight today).

First off, marriage is something that should not be taken lightly at all. If you marry it was because you wanted to stay committed to that one person (no matter how bad he gets on your nerves a few years later). for the rest of your life. If you break that comittment when you have kids, they tend to wonder some of the wildest things that you may not have even considered before ending the relationship. (i.e. what did I do wrong? Do they still love me? Will they always still love me, they dont love eachother anymore?, etc) No matter how much you try to put these concerns at rest; they will take a long long time to go away. (the kids weren't there at the begining of the relationship; all they've ever seen is mommy and daddy; and to have one "give up" has to be hard as ####). If you marry for the right reasons to begin with; you should never ever have to make this actual decision.

You go into the marriage for better or for worse; and if you cant get over the fact that he will just not pick up his dirty socks from the living room floor then you will not be happy in any marriage. Now, on the other hand if the relationship starts becoming abusive (i.e. emotionaly or physically then what you were in was never a marriage to begin with but a complete sham. and hell ya; leave em; show the kids what a "strong" person can do. But to leave just because you can't agree on what color drapes you want in your bedroom is wrong. You need to show the kids that a real marriage is commitment, love, understanding, and being able to say you're wrong. If you want to your kids to see you in a healthy relationship; show them how to work at making one. If you give up at the first argument because you can't be the one to back down and say "you're right, I'm wrong" then all you're making is a bunch of "quitters".

To be honest, and I know I;m going to hear all about them, I'm sure there are tons of other reasons to leave a relationship besides abuse or cheating. But if you didn't go into the marriage just because you were "lust over heels" to begin with, then none of those reasons would matter. If you think marraige means great unprotected sex whenever you want it; or that "well people change over time, and there for can fall out of love" then you're wrong. You werent ready to be married to begin with. In which case you'll probably jump around from "healthy relationship for the first few months" to "healthy relationship for the first few months" over and over until you can actually learn who you are and what you need is more then a piece of A$$.




okay waiting for the head wounds I'm about to receive from my bashing..............*wincing*....let em begin.

 

[Dymphna]

Originally posted by nomoney

okay waiting for the head wounds I'm about to receive from my bashing..............*wincing*....let em begin.

j/k

Actually, I agree completely. Except for one thing, I didn't vote at all because the marriage isn't about the kids in the first place.

If, as you said, you got married for all the right reasons in the first place, this isn't an issue, because divorce never comes up as a serious option.

"He changed, he became abysive/a drunk etc." isn't really valid either. People don't change their fundumental nature, it's just that you didn't see them completely, you didn't see them for what they are, you never really married the person you thought you did.

 

[nomoney]

Originally posted by cmcdanal
j/k

Actually, I agree completely. Except for one thing, I didn't vote at all because the marriage isn't about the kids in the first place.

If, as you said, you got married for all the right reasons in the first place, this isn't an issue, because divorce never comes up as a serious option.

"He changed, he became abysive/a drunk etc." isn't really valid either. People don't change their fundumental nature, it's just that you didn't see them completely, you didn't see them for what they are, you never really married the person you thought you did.

Thank you. Exactly what I wanted to say; except for some reason I took over 1000 words to do so. Damn sinus medicine.

 

[nomoney]

 

[crabcake]

must be some good stuff if you can post the exact same thing a few minutes apart!

hope you feel better soon nomoney

 

[mainman]

WTF are you taking? Its got me seeing double....