Ex relationships

[Ken King]

What is best for the children? A constant reminder that their natural father blows them off with out even calling and providing an explanation as to why he couldn't make it. Travelling all the way to North Carolina only to be left with someone they really don’t know while Dad is out doing his thing.

Be done with this man and move on. He is using the kids to get at you and it appears to be working. As long as your kids feel your love they will be fine, they are very resilient and probably know that their father doesn’t really care or he would be there. You would be amazed at how smart kids can be. Have you sat down and talked with them or are they just a little too young for that?

Also you might want to keep a record of the times he hasn’t shown or met you as planned. It will help in getting him out of your life if you ever do try to get a modification.

 

[vraiblonde]

Long opinion - be patient

I have made it my life's mission to not fight with my ex or make nasty comments about him to the children.

He hasn't been perfect, God knows - he'd do things like not tell me he was going out of town, then I'd call on Friday to see what time he was getting the kids, only to find out he wouldn't be there. Then I'd have some scrambling to do if I'd made plans. He'd call and complain about child support - even though it was less than I'd have gotten if I let the State decide the amount. He'd just flat forget the kids' birthdays. He never went to a single school event or seemed to even care. Etc, etc, etc...many petty things. He also works a lot so when the kids would spend their 2 weeks with him in the summer, they mostly hung out with his wife, who the kids adore so it's not a problem.

HOWEVER I made the decision that I would accept the things I cannot change (his behavior). I never ran him down to the kids - I told them that Daddy is just this way and he doesn't mean to hurt them and that they're very important to him even if he has a hard time showing it. If I'd already made other plans and he wanted the kids, we'd work it out or I'd say "sorry- we have plans".

Romance, if you run down the Dad to the kids, they will grow to resent you, not him. Trust me on this one. If you explain things to them that puts Dad in the best possible light and gives him the benefit of the doubt, you'll walk away a winner. Believe me, I know how hard this is BUT my kids are now 19 and 15 and they now realize how much I went through on their behalf and appreciate it. Life's too short to spend it fighting with the ex.

Christy, care to chime in here?

RFM and Ken, hats off to both of you for raising your children on your own! Larry was raising his two daughters on his own before we got married so there's a soft spot in my heart for men who are their children's primary caregivers.

 

[romance]

hold up

I never once said I talk bad about their dads to them OR in front of them. Its the exact oppposite Jaime and I have our way of discussing it without them knowing who or what its about. Plus we wait to say anything about till the are asleep or out of hearing range. Then we dont use names either or say thngs in a way they would know. I wont do that just because I want them to realize on their own. Also Jaime has helped me alot with dealing with him and the kids. Such as helping me remember not to say something when I get so P. Oed that I would be able to slip and let something come out. He tells me what I should do and should not do. He can also give me his opinion on things since his parents are not together.

I have a book a home that write things down such as Rachel came back saying this or that. He didnt show such and such dates. I have it catorgized so I can keep track of things. I dont know if it will help in the long run but I will at least have something to show a judge of his inconsistencies and his behavior. He has the kids saying stuff like Tammy's my mom youre Crystal (my 4yr old said that the day Jaime and had to drive from here in MD to NC to get them)

I dont think its fair to them to go through this. I dont enjoy seeing them hurt when he says one thing and does another.Would the long term effect of taking their dad out of their lives for now be worse then letting them go through this now?

 

[missi1013]

Keep that book going!!! All lawyers will tell you that! That does make a difference. Write down everything that his does or doesn't do!!! Or what he says.

 

[SxyPrincess]

Romance,

I really feel for you and your children! It's not fair for the kids to go through so much pain and I can only imagine how much it hurts them.

Be strong, hang in there and everything will work out for you!

 

[romance]

Well thank god I hvae Jaime around at times or Id blow my top lol. They are good kids. Things arent as hard for them as some think. I keep things somewhat under wrap to them. I let them know what they need to know and thats it.

I need to tell Jaime thanks for making me start that book huh lol Do I have to admit he was right??? OOh god NO!!

 

[vraiblonde]

Well, nobody seems to want to hear this BUT....

Crystal, you cannot, let me repeat that, CANNOT control your ex's behavior. You can try, you can yell at him and get lawyers and write books, maybe even smack him around a little - but in the end all that will happen is you'll be crazy, your lawyer will have more money and your kids will resent you.

What you CAN control is you. If he doesn't take the kids when he's suppposed to, there's nothing you can do about it. If he then wants them when it's inconvenient for you, just tell him sorry, that's not convenient. You can spend all your time and money trying to fight him but there's nothing in the world that will make him the responsible father you'd like him to be.

You said

How can I get throughto him that this is not accpetable for him to be doing?

Answer: You can't.

You said

do I have to beat it into him???

Answer: You can if you want but it won't do you any good. Besides, you might break a nail and hasn't he caused you enough stress already?


A tip from the "been there, done that" crowd....

 

[romance]

I am meeting him this weekend (so far nayway) to let him have the kids. I am going to talk to him about signing over all rights to them. This way he wont ahve to pay the child support (which his gf will be happy about and so wont he) I will tell him the kids will be told they can see him if they wish but he will have no rights to them at all. I think he may say no at first but in the end agree to t. He doesnt seem to care anyway. My mother said he would say no just to keep some control over my life.

 

[Christy]

Chiming in

Crystal, Vrai and I both have very similar tactics when it comes to dealing with the ex's. You have no control over his behavior, only your own. It is up to you to do what's going to be good for your kids. I will probably be in the minority on this, but preventing your children from having anything to do with your ex IS NOT in their best interests unless he is abusive or endangers them in any way.

I have bent over backwards, forwards, and into a friggin pretzel in order to accomodate my kid being with his father as much as possible. I could go on for pages over being inconvenienced and ready to throttle my ex (happened just a few weeks ago as a matter of fact) I don't do it for my ex, I do it for my son.

We can use what happened the past few weeks as a lesson on self control. I'd been hounding my ex (who is in Texas) about when exactly is my kid going to go down for a visit. As always he doesn't have a set date, but wants him right after he gets out of school and wants him for most of the summer. Boy aren't those dates clear as mud for scheduling purposes. Finally, I suggested to him that my son fly back with his Aunt when she goes to Texas. He says, Great idea, let me check with the rest of the family and get back to you. I keep hounding him to get back with me before the tickets go through the roof, and then he'll be paying out the nose for the ticket. Of course he never gets back to me, so the ticket goes from $250 to $1700 by the time he makes a final decision. So I have to go about figuring that whole mess out, when it should have been him figuring the mess out, and dealing with the airlines (begging and pleading) it was me, not because my ex didn't want to see my son, it's just how he is. Not a very take charge, let me take care of it kind of guy.

I coulda just told the ex to deal with it and get back with me when it was taken care of, but I didn't because I know how important it is for my kid to see his dad. I go that extra mile and get the extra gray hairs in order for my kid to be happy. Some may call me crazy, but to me, it's worth biting my tongue and dealing with the crap so my kid doesn't have to.

 

[romance]

well

I was talking to my ex yesterday and he was somewhat ok. My girls told him what is going on with em and he was actually nice about it all. He tried to seem concerned about it all and we had a long talk about how he does the kids. He said he didnt know it was so hard on them. He seemed like he was going to try. He even went camping with them this weekend. He is bringing them back to me on Sat night and wants us to do something with them like maybe the drive in or something.

He did however ask to come back since JAime and I are through. I tol him I cant but he still needs to be there for the kids. Maybe he and i can talk and at least do whats best for the kids. I just hope I not stupid as i was for the past almost 8 months lol

 

[vraiblonde]

He did however ask to come back since JAime and I are through.

We could have predicted that. Don't you do it! Once is enough! Besides, I'm not convinced you and Jaime are through...

 

[sgtsprout]

well

Let me speak out finally. Well regardless if it was jealousy or not. Which I don't believe it was. He is just a complete a@@. I am just a half A$$. Anyways...whats best for her kids if you ask me, is HIM out of their life. He lies. The g.f lies. They tried to tell the girls Crystal wasn't the mommy. They are always calling Child services. Even if he hadn't called. To tink he doesn't know or has anything to do with it---IS childish. She wants to know why I am through.

I am done with this situation. I won't deal with it. Call it baggage whatever. I screwd up yes. I thought it was what I wanted. But until recently it wasn't so apparent. It is clear to me now. This is not what I am after at this point in my ife. Plain and simple.


All I can say is I tried. I tried enough for me. And it's not what I want...she will find, but only after she organizes her life.

So back to the ex....He isn't sincere. He might sound sincere cause...ohh he talks calmly. How about telling the full truth of the past crystal. IF you all knew about this guy. You would understand --and smack the crap out of crys for allowing it to linger in her mind for more then 60 secs.

 

[romance]

No

I started this thread to get advice on how to deal with him. Number one Jaime is not the jealous type, never has been. NUmber two it is over between me and ihm. Fact is fact. I sai what I did about Terry (the ex) asking for a second chance to see if maybe I am stupid for even hopng that he and I could get on "good terms" for the kids. My oldest daughter told Terry about Jiame and I. Then he asked me about another chance. When I told him no he turned to her and made a comment about keeping hope that I said no now but they could work on it. After talking yesterday he seemed like he was really wanting to try with the kids. I hope that he is cause I would like for them to be close and have some stability in their life. Its not that I am so stupi about things but really confused when it comes to my kids and how they would if this and if that.................

 

[sgtsprout]

How?

Howexactly do you plan to pay for the thigns kids need without anything...or without his childsupport.

Don't try to belittle me on here either crystal. But I am asking, cause....

Let me put it this way. Tell the fullt ruth about it. Everything, then ppl would understand. So anyways...I am asking cause...you say your doing things. But your don't go about things exactly proper half the time. I.E. (The custody of the kids) You need to wait...figure out about your place/apt and a job first.

Maybe I should just shut up.

 

[watercolor]

Now this is just my opinion...so dont go yelling!

yea...at this point in time, I would be quite. For the fact, that maybe somethings dont need to be public knowledge from either sides...

I hope in some way..that you both can be friends...and not be a$$'s to each other!

No one but her knows <i>EVERYTHING</i>

Guess what I am trying to say is....that she will say what she wants to say and all when she feels good and ready...and also, if you dont care for her anymore Sgt...then, leave it be *shrugs*



I just see it as so sad, that is just so <i>suddenly</i> ended.

Just my thoughts....I could be wrong

 

[romance]

Ok

Well Jaime first off.......how did i try and belittle you?? I said it was over and that you were not a jealous type. I dont think thats belittle you. Anyway as you know I cant talk about alot of the stuff that happened with Terry and I. You should know that half the stuff I couldnt even bring myself to try and speak of it to you. Not that he wouldnt listen to everyone here. He would listen but he would get angry cause of it and then some of it is just too ____ i dont know what word to use. Painful, scary whatever you wish to call it. Just like an expierence you had Jaime just mine was never ending for awhile.

And I would also like to state in self defense since you brought up a job and place to live. Lets see I was told by Jaime a month ago to send out the letters of intent to move. I had to send one to Terry and one to the housing department here in WV ( Yeah I live in a apartment complex and you know what its HUD Im here in this place cause of the divorce and plus like I said in another thread no job cause of JAcob and the babysitter situation). I sent out the letters (Jaime sent the one to Terry). I was told that with this letter I had to be out in 90 days max.Well after our break up I come back to find out that they are renting my apt out and if I dont come up with $80 by the 15th I have to move out the end of the month. I have spoken to them and we will be staying in my apt.

Also as for the job, my mom who is a big busy body (ask Jaime) asked around and she has a good friend who has cancer so she doesnt work. Well the lady said she will watch JAcob anytime I need her to. She is going to keep all 3 kids and charge me a dollar a day for each. She loves kids and knows how it feels to be a single mother. I think she may be a blessing in disguise. I had an interview today and the woman wants me to take a class next Mon thru Thurs for typing skills. I had applied for a telecommunications position but the lady liked my personality and asked if I knew how to file and do odd things around an office. So I said yes and shes putting me in ths class so I can help her boss out. (she will be training me but the end of Aug she retires). The pay isnt much but its a start ( 9.50 an hour after a 90 day eval.)

Anyway, the topic is how to deal with ex's, but I guess yeah in some ways I need to organize but its mainly I need to quit being so trusting.

 

[sgtsprout]

whatever

I am just like drained...and I am done posting on this thing about personal stuff. My own fault. But whatever right.

 

[Christy]

Romance, a bit of advice. Never EVER EVER count on, rely on, depend on..... a man (or anyone else for that matter) to take care of you and your kids. My father pounded that bit of advice in my head since I was "knee high to a grasshopper". You and ONLY you can take care of you and your kids. I don't know how many of my girlfriends who grew up with me in WV I've had to pound that advice into. Sadly, most times, it was all after the fact. As you well know how how it is in WV. For those of you who don't know, the atmosphere in most regions up there, is a womans sole role is to find a man, have their babies, and take care of both no matter what. The guy wants to pound the crap out of you, well then you musta done something to provoke it. When the guy takes off, well then, the woman musta not done something right. It's insane!

Take every opportunity you can to get yourself out of the mess you are in. Take that job, and honey $9.50 an hour isn't half bad for up there, and think of it as your chance to make it on your own. Get yourself to the point where your ex can't hold you financially hostage with child support, and you can start calling all the shots in YOUR life.

Just my two cents.

 

[Katie]

Originally posted by Christy
Never EVER EVER count on, rely on, depend on..... a man (or anyone else for that matter) to take care of you and your kids.
Just my two cents.

I agree with that statement 100%. Granted I have no childern, but I take care of myself and don't rely on a man or anyone else to do it for me. I worked two jobs and put myself through college in order not to have to do that. Also if I did have a child, I would be able to support me and the child now back then it would have been hard, but I would do it.

 

[vraiblonde]

Originally posted by BchBns
I also agree, though, that it's probably not appropriate to air you and Jaime's dirty laundry on here ... a pi$$ing contest on a BB between two people who, until 3 days ago, were going to get married, isn't the most mature or responsible thing to do, in my opinion. Save it for a private telephone call.

No way! I have been thoroughly entertained by the "Young (romance) and the Restless (Sgtsprout)"