Giving adult children advice

[Restless]

Hi! As a parent of an adult child (she's 23), when do you think it is okay to speak up when you think they are making a big mistake? We are very close with our daughter and communicate pretty well. She has plans to marry a guy that we think doesn't treat her fairly. Her best friend has the same concerns. Some friends with grown kids said to not say anything unless asked. I'm not sure if I agree. What do you think?

Thanks for any input you may have!

 

[littlelady]

Hi! As a parent of an adult child (she's 23), when do you think it is okay to speak up when you think they are making a big mistake? We are very close with our daughter and communicate pretty well. She has plans to marry a guy that we think doesn't treat her fairly. Her best friend has the same concerns. Some friends with grown kids said to not say anything unless asked. I'm not sure if I agree. What do you think?

Thanks for any input you may have!

That is a really tough question. We raise our children, nurture them, love them, and watch out for them. And, then they become adults. My first reaction would be to say something, but I don't go with that first reaction. Our children have to learn from their own mistakes. We wish they would listen to their older, and wiser parents, but they don't. They have to learn for themselves. The thing is as parents/children grow older, children, usually, say that the parents were right. If you think that it is a dangerous situation, you should step in. Being a parent is the hardest job ever. I hope it works out for your daughter.

 

[kom526]

My MIL had a serious sit down with my LW after we got engaged to make sure that this was what she wanted, future plans etc. That convo was almost 22 years ago and we're still here. I think it never hurt to maintain open lines of communication with your kids no matter how old.

 

[vraiblonde]

If you don't care about your kids' welfare and future, who will?

Story time:

Years ago, I went with a friend to visit her mother for the weekend. While we were there, my friend's sister showed up crying and marked up - her boyfriend had beat her up and she fled to her mother's house. This was met with...ho hum...not again. The sister went to bed and we sat up talking. When I expressed concern, my friend's mom said, "*sigh* One day she'll get her belly full and leave him. Who needs a refill?"

Two things went through my mind: How can a parent be so blase about their child being abused; and yeah, you let some mother####er put his hands on my daughter and see what happens to him.

The next day the boyfriend came over to fetch his woman, and joined us for lunch like nothing had happened.

While your situation may not be so dire, I think it's worth having a conversation with your daughter and express your concerns. If it were me, I'd put the boyfriend on notice as well.

 

[mitzi]

Hi! As a parent of an adult child (she's 23), when do you think it is okay to speak up when you think they are making a big mistake? We are very close with our daughter and communicate pretty well. She has plans to marry a guy that we think doesn't treat her fairly. Her best friend has the same concerns. Some friends with grown kids said to not say anything unless asked. I'm not sure if I agree. What do you think?

Thanks for any input you may have!

If you have a good relationship with your daughter, personally I would talk to her. Just ask her to consider your point of view. I could always discuss relationship issues with my son. He'll take into consideration what we say. My daughter on the other hand, got defensive and wouldn't listen to anyone (me, her father, her brother, her best friends). After 15 years (with the last 8 not even being together) she finally divorced him. It's really hard for the "We told you so" not to slip out sometimes.

 

[Restless]

That is a really tough question. We raise our children, nurture them, love them, and watch out for them. And, then they become adults. My first reaction would be to say something, but I don't go with that first reaction. Our children have to learn from their own mistakes. We wish they would listen to their older, and wiser parents, but they don't. They have to learn for themselves. The thing is as parents/children grow older, children, usually, say that the parents were right. If you think that it is a dangerous situation, you should step in. Being a parent is the hardest job ever. I hope it works out for your daughter.

Thanks, little lady. I thought this would get easier when they grew up - wrong! It is harder.

 

[Restless]

My MIL had a serious sit down with my LW after we got engaged to make sure that this was what she wanted, future plans etc. That convo was almost 22 years ago and we're still here. I think it never hurt to maintain open lines of communication with your kids no matter how old.

I'm so glad it worked out so well for you and your wife. I'm still debating whether to say anything or not. Ugh. I'm glad your wife and MIL were able to discuss this without anyone getting upset.

 

[Rommey]

Talk to her...state your concerns and decide if you want to help pick up the pieces later should your concerns come to fruition. Treat her like an adult, but also explain that adults live with their choices in life and mom and dad aren't there to put the band aids on their adult boo boos that arise from their poor choices.

 

[Restless]

If you don't care about your kids' welfare and future, who will?

Story time:

Years ago, I went with a friend to visit her mother for the weekend. While we were there, my friend's sister showed up crying and marked up - her boyfriend had beat her up and she fled to her mother's house. This was met with...ho hum...not again. The sister went to bed and we sat up talking. When I expressed concern, my friend's mom said, "*sigh* One day she'll get her belly full and leave him. Who needs a refill?"

Two things went through my mind: How can a parent be so blase about their child being abused; and yeah, you let some mother####er put his hands on my daughter and see what happens to him.

The next day the boyfriend came over to fetch his woman, and joined us for lunch like nothing had happened.

While your situation may not be so dire, I think it's worth having a conversation with your daughter and express your concerns. If it were me, I'd put the boyfriend on notice as well.

That was awful for the mom to be so unconcerned. Geez, I would have told him to never darken my door again. Our daughter isn't in a situation like that thank God. The boyfriend is very selfish with his time. His parents told him "not to screw it up" with our daughter. That tells me something right there.

 

[Restless]

Talk to her...state your concerns and decide if you want to help pick up the pieces later should your concerns come to fruition. Treat her like an adult, but also explain that adults live with their choices in life and mom and dad aren't there to put the band aids on their adult boo boos that arise from their poor choices.

Good advice. She is making some stupid choices right now. Thanks!

 

[Larry Gude]

If you didn't install the concepts and ideas and teaching when building the unit, you ain't gonna be able to later on once the unit has taken over day to day operations and decision making. This is the SUCK part of parenting. The helplessness of watching them as they do the stupidest #### as though they'd not heard a single word. Just like when we were their age.

 

[Gilligan]

If you didn't install the concepts and ideas and teaching when building the unit, you ain't gonna be able to later on once the unit has taken over day to day operations and decision making. This is the SUCK part of parenting. The helplessness of watching them as they do the stupidest #### as though they'd not heard a single word. Just like when we were their age.

That's my take too.

 

[Chris0nllyn]

Child or not, anyone who is an adult should be open to advice.

 

[lucky_bee]

I guess I see this two different ways. I dated some dip#### for a long time, about 3 years, same age frame as your daughter. Really thought he was the one, eventually moved in with him after 2.5 years and within about 3 months realized this was NOT it. I'd given up a lot of things for him too during our relationship...a lot at my family's expense (spending all free time with him, choosing holidays and vacations with his family, etc. nothing harsh, but not what my family, especially my mother, deserved). When I finally woke up and got out, my mom finally admitted to me just how much she disliked him. I would never have known how deeply she felt about him had she not said anything. She didn't necessarily hate him, but didn't like how he interacted with everyone, felt he was controlling, etc. She had legit concerns.

However - I'm not so sure that at 23/24 when I was all 100 on this guy, that I'd have actually listened to my mother had she sat me down and talked to me about her concerns. Maybe I would have, I'm not really sure. I think deep down I'd always known she wasn't absolutely thrilled with him though. BUT I always...ALWAYS knew how supportive she'd be no matter what. And I think that's essential. Giving your daughter the feeling that even if you didn't approve, you're still there should she need that safe place without too much judgment or criticism. I do wish my mom had sat me down and discussed a few of her concerns with me, gently and without force of course, but I'm not so sure I would've listened right away. 23 is a stubborn time and I know I've learned a lot of lessons the hard way. I had to figure everything out for myself. This was one of those things.

I feel awful that my parents probably watched helplessly while I learned this particular lesson the hard way, but I am grateful that they 1. let me learn it myself and 2. always gave me support no matter what. My family helped me move in to that apartment and 6 months later, were helping me move out and down to MD...no questions asked.




Also, 23 is just so young to be married

 

[luvmygdaughters]

Sometimes you need someone to call attention to a matter that you honestly didn't know was happening. Maybe your daughter doesn't see how he is treating her because she is too close to the situation. In my opinion, not that it counts for much, I would sit down and discuss her what your concerns are. Tell her its her decision, but, you wanted to let her know how you feel about it. Opinions are not written in stone, he may be the best thing since sliced bread after they're married, and if that's the case, you're feelings about him will change too. Just let her know you'll respect her decision, no matter what it is.

 

[Restless]

Excellent advice, lucky Bee and luvmydaughters. Thanks for sharing your own stories and thoughtful suggestions!