Got my mom ready to move into a nursing home

[Monello]

What a week.

I headed up to Pennsylvania for a niece's wedding. On my mom's side, she has 17 grandchildren but this is the first marriage of any of them. The oldest GK are in their mid 30s. The 2 youngest are in college. Now that that event is over, on to task #2.

My mom has lived alone in the home my grandfather purchased in 1948. My dad passed in 2000. My mother has lived here for 74 years. And has some possessions that are probably that old.

Last year she had various hospitalizations. The latest was around Thanksgiving. She had a blood clot in her arm. It cut off blood flow to the hand. The doc told me she was a day or 2 away from needing the hand amputated. I think that caught her attention.

She was standing firm on living the rest of her days in her home. But reality smacked her in the face. She can't live alone anymore.

Today we toured the nursing home. Long story short, we are writing them a check tomorrow for a unit. Once this is done, several families will let out a collective sigh of relief.

My mother has 6 children still alive. Of course, I live the furthest away. Plus some kids make themselves too busy to bother with checking up on their mother. So the mommy duties mainly fall on 2 sisters. But my interactions with them WRT my mom are semi toxic. They are frazzled by the last minute phone calls and the urgent messages. And their husbands also pay a price.

So before the wedding I got ambushed by the "something needs to be done" lecture. I told them I needed to get there and see the situation myself. I try to stay drama free but didn't appreciate being threatened to do something.

Good news is today I did something. And mom seems to be agreeable. She likes the place. Plus her sister lives close by.

So now the ball is rolling. Got to get a chest xray and covid test. Sign some papers then figure out what furniture gets moved. We'll go shopping for a new bed since she has a king and that won't work.

I don't wish this on anyone. It happens in life that people live a lot longer once they are no longer able to care for themselves on a daily basis. And given family dynamics, some folks thrive on the drama. I would have been better off just doing all this myself. But I felt an obligation to keep people informed. Then sibling A doesn't want me saying anything to sibling C. I don't have time for that bullshit.

Sorry for the ramble. It's been a long day. Now the paperwork and other fun begins. Wish me luck.

 

[TPD]

Wow! These are the things that tear families apart. I know your pain - been there done that.

 

[Sneakers]

Good luck to you. It's not easy, after having been thru that the past few years. One thing I will impart: we thought the same thing, that once dad was under the care of a home (assisted living), that we could breathe a little easier. Turns out you still get involved a whole lot more than you anticipate. Can't tell you how often my brother (who was local to my dad) and I had involvement with either placating dad or discussions with the staff. Phone calls, video conferences, emails, just never seemed to end. And you're still needed for doctor inputs, visits, ER.... I was 1300 miles away but would up traveling back and forth a lot more often than I wanted. But it was my dad. Just can't not do these things for him.

And there is the inevitable sibling thing. We have a third brother who just wouldn't engage until we guilted him into it. Dad passed almost a year ago now, and there is still paperwork popping up. He and mom are in a box in my family room waiting for that time when all of the siblings can make a trek back to the homeland for their final wishes.

I'm sorry you're going thru this and sympathize. Hope you have an easier time than we did.

 

[Grumpy]

Sorry for the ramble. It's been a long day. Now the paperwork and other fun begins. Wish me luck.

Good luck, been there, done that a few times.

 

[spr1975wshs]

Wow! These are the things that tear families apart. I know your pain - been there done that.

2 of my mom's maternal side aunts were in rooms near other in hospice.
If Carmella had been able to walk, she would have gone next door to make up with her sister.
Eva could walk, but couldn't be bothered to let go of the quarter century old dispute.
The issue, Carmella and Rita, the 2 youngest daughters, never married and stayed home to take care of their parents.
After great gramma died, the house, being way, too big for the 2 of them was sold.
My grandmother was eldest, AND Matriarch of the family. She put her foot down and told her sibs that Carmella and Rita would all the proceeds
so they could have a comfortable retirement.
Her 3 brothers and 2 of the other sisters backed her up. Eva and one other sister were angry they would not get a share.

 

[ontheriver]

I've been there too. Good luck Monello.

 

[frequentflier]

Monello

 

[kwillia]

Find peace in your ability to find the finances to place her in an elder care facility. She won’t get the individual attention but she will get the basic needs. The more family stays involved and aware will make a difference.

My mom is the only remaining parent of the 4 for me and hubby. After last year’s traumatic events resulting in her spending a couple months in medical rehab, I’m hoping like hell she gets to stay home with us in her MIL apartment until her end. She has no funds for a care facility.

 

[vraiblonde]

He and mom are in a box in my family room

Wait...cremated, right?

Anyway, I think what made the difference is Monello making her a part of the decision instead of telling her this is what you have to do. I don't want anyone to get the impression that his sisters are a pair of harpies because they're not - they've just been dealing with this for several years and have run out of patience.

Once Monello had the "What do you want to do?" discussion with his mom instead of bossing her around, the whole process smoothed out.

So yay! Happy ending!

 

[vraiblonde]

Find peace in your ability to find the finances to place her in an elder care facility. She won’t get the individual attention but she will get the basic needs. The more family stays involved and aware will make a difference.

My mom is the only remaining parent of the 4 for me and hubby. After last year’s traumatic events resulting in her spending a couple months in medical rehab, I’m hoping like hell she gets to stay home with us in her MIL apartment until her end. She has no funds for a care facility.

It's hard for me to picture your mom getting old. My memory of her is getting all dolled up for her date with a much younger man.

 

[Sneakers]

Wait...cremated, right?

Anyway, I think what made the difference is Monello making her a part of the decision instead of telling her this is what you have to do. I don't want anyone to get the impression that his sisters are a pair of harpies because they're not - they've just been dealing with this for several years and have run out of patience.

Once Monello had the "What do you want to do?" discussion with his mom instead of bossing her around, the whole process smoothed out.

So yay! Happy ending!

We did the same, asked our parents what they wanted to do, and gave them options.

Cremated? No, I have two coffins in the family room. Working on incantations to raise the dead. Zombie apocalypse has to start somewhere...

 

[lucky_bee]

my mom has now been the center of 3 separate elderly family members' long-term assisted living moves. She spent the last part of her career focused on in-home healthcare as a nurse and then director, so as one of the few people (read, only person that can be bothered to sit down, put her emotions and opinions aside, and make decisions) that is familiar with the process, she's had to help place her FIL, her aunt (who had no children) and finally her own mother into long-term assisted care. There has been drama all along the way from others fighting her on the process because they don't want to either come to terms or assume someone else will pick up the slack so those people could continue living in their own homes. My mom is tired. She's finally living for herself and enjoying the gifts she and my father have worked so hard for, for several decades. Her brothers still give her a hard time over everything involving their mother though - but never want to step in and assist beyond visiting her here and there. My mom makes decisions based on what's needed, not just her constantly doing everything herself. Sometimes she feels guilty, but I always remind her she can't do everything, they could easily do something too.

She told me to plan on visiting sometime this summer with my brothers so her and my father could have the lawyers over and show us EV.ER.Y.THING they've laid out for any possible future scenario regarding their health, property, and livelihood. She's scarred for life over the past 10 years of dealing with everyone else's inaction. And all 3 of those relatives above originally refused to make those types of plans as they always assumed they'd be able to live out their days in their own home.

 

[Monello]

It's hard for me to picture your mom getting old. My memory of her is getting all dolled up for her date with a much younger man.

You had to go there.

 

[Bann]

Monello

I get it - it's never easy on whatever scale we do this with our parents. The fact that we do it speaks volumes - it's because we love them. It's that simple.

 

[RoseRed]

My mother is financially well off and had kept my stepfather at home prior to his death. Her wish is to remain in her home and I respect that. At one time, she thought I would move in to care for her. Nope. Haven't lived with her since I was 12. We recently had a meeting to clear some air and I told her some things she didn't want to hear. She refused to discuss any of it and claimed that I made it all about me. I'm sure I've been disinherited.

 

[PrchJrkr]

Mommy Dearest has decided that she wants to live out her last days in the house that my father built for her. Me being the only unattached child, my siblings decided that I would be the one to keep an eye on her in her old age. In return, I inherit a small house in the swamp that is the 7D. There's never a dull moment...

 

[Sneakers]

Me being the only unattached child, my siblings decided that I would be the one to keep an eye on her in her old age.

Yeah, up until the 11th hour, mom and dad thought they would move in with me. Large house, no attachments..... That would not have been pretty.

 

[ontheriver]

My mother thought she would move in with me after the death of my husband.

I was 16 when I left home.

Although I loved her (even after all she did before I left), there was no way I would have brought that upon my young children. They were going through enough. Like Rose said, Nope. I still know that was the right decision.

Yeah, up until the 11th hour, mom and dad thought they would move in with me. Large house, no attachments..... That would not have been pretty.

 

[Gilligan]

My Mom just turned 90. She's living with my sis and bro-in-law who both work from their house. We're probably only months or a year away from needing to hire a home-care assistant for Mom but a nursing home may not be too far off either.

Fortunately there is no family drama involved. We all cooperate and everyone (four of us kids) will do whatever is necessary for Mom's best outcomes. Makes me sad to see some of the family wars I've witnessed friends and acquaintances go through when it comes to dealing with elder parents, inheritances etc...

 

[Sneakers]

Makes me sad to see some of the family wars I've witnessed friends and acquaintances go through when it comes to dealing with elder parents, inheritances etc...

I was real happy that didn't happen with us. We sold his house before he went into assisted living, so it was just bank accounts and pre-determined beneficiaries of insurance policies. Everything got split evenly between the 3 sons, everyone was happy. But what made it so much easier is that every one of us was already financially secure, and dad's money was just a nice bonus. No reason to fight over it.