vraiblonde said:
Isn't that the ####?
So, Pete, I apologize for all the times I told you that it would be different when Boy got older and that you'd get yours. It WILL be different, but it will wrench your heart.
It is a complicated mess that is for sure. I used to hate when he would come home from a visit at her place and cry, not wanting his mom to go. I used to think “If you ever knew why things are screwed up like this you would not cry about her leaving.” Then I realized he was 3 and doing what 3 year olds do, I was 35 and being a petty b!tch. I go out of my way for him to see his mom now and have for a long time. I decided a long time ago that in the horrible crap that went down, the 2 adults would rebound, but Boy would be permanently affected. He will never know the joy of Dad and Mom in the same house, and with the possibility of me finding someone compatible dimming it looks like it is just me and him so making it possible for her to be in his life is the best I can do.
I view Boy as a little computer, he is for the most part programmable and that is my job. I am loading his ROM with my morals and values. Unfortunately my morals and values are in direct contrast to hers and the inevitable result is him not respecting her as a person. I could gloss over her continued failings as a human like co-dependence, living off the generosity of others, the endless line of guys having “sleep over’s”, everything being a crisis, drama, never planning for tomorrow, or I can stick to my guns. I would rather have him grow up to be an old fashioned, honorable, responsible, decent, productive man than rationalize how his mother lives and have him growing up thinking he can do whatever and I will arrive shortly after with a checkbook and make the bad authorities leave him alone. I do wonder what his attitude towards women will be because she is not exactly providing the best role model.
My attitude about his relationship was based on fear, the fear he would one day march in and say “I wanna go live with her because you are no fun and too strict.” That all changed when he was 4 and I went up to pick him up from a extended stay with her. I had worked myself into a nervous wreck on the drive up, sweating, bile in my throat, tense all in anticipation of the scene I would have to endure, him crying and throwing a fit, her boo hooing and playing it up, the crowd of her “friends” who always seemed to be there to witness the circus. When I rang the bell the door opened, he saw me, ran over and gave me a hug and a kiss, turned and marched directly to his bag and drug it to the door to leave. I had to make him go give her a hug and a kiss. It was that moment I knew that if there could be a winner in that situation it was me. From that day on I have never worried about his relationship with her because I felt totally secure in mine with him.
If one day he, as a reasonable, level headed young man decides his mother is not the greatest person in the world that is between him and her. I will know that I did not vilify her, she created his impression by her actions and lifestyle and that is something she will have to live with. It is not to say I will feel happy if he ends up thinking she is a pitiful POS, I will not, BUT he knows I will always be there and that is all I can do. I have had many opportunities over the last 7 years to see her in dire straights, reaping what she has sewn, and I feel funny saying that I was not gleeful at her circumstances. I was more disappointed that despite everything she simply refuses to grow up.
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