Lawyer Jokes

[KingFish]

LAWYER JOKES

Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?
It's called Sosumi.

Did you hear about the terrorists who took a whole courtroom full of lawyers hostage? They threatened to release one every hour until their demands where met.

Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps? They had pictures of lawyers on them ... and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

How are an apple and a lawyer alike? They both look good hanging from a tree.

How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer? She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? His lips are moving.

How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side then he lies on the other.

How many lawyer jokes are there? Only three. The rest are true stories.

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? How many can you afford?

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if you're looking for a lawyer to SCREW a light bulb...

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

What are lawyers good for? They make used car salesmen look good.

What do you call 25 attorneys buried up to their chins in cement? Not enough cement.

What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers? Skeet.

What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start!

What do you call a lawyer gone bad? Senator.

What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? Your Honor.

What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? His partners.

What does a lawyer do after sex? Pays the bill.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute? A prostitute will stop screwing you when you're dead.

What does a lawyer get when you give him Viagra? Taller.

 

[tipsymcgee]

This is from years ago but..

A lawyer, Hindu priest and Rabbi are driving through the country when their car breaks down. They make their way to a farmer's house and ask to spend the night until their car can be fixed the next day. He obliges but says he has only room for two and one must sleep in the barn. They draw straws and the Rabbi has to head out to the barn. Moments later, the rabbi returns and says, "There are pigs out in the barn. I cannot sleep with the pig."

The Hindu priest volunteers and heads out to the barn. He returns moments later and says, "The sacred cow is in the barn. I cannot sleep there." The lawyer mumbles under his breath and heads out to the barn. Minutes later, another knock at the door. It's the cow and the pig.

 

[Novus Collectus]

What do you call 100 lawyers hunting with Dick Cheney?

Another good start.