KingFish
Nothing to see here
*** COPIED FROM A NEWSGROUP POSTING ***
(the male author was responding to a woman who accidentally
walked into the men's restroom):
Please don't feel bad. It wasn't you entering the men's washroom
that caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him. Hell, we do
that all the time. It's rare for us guys to ever hit what were
aiming for. Sometimes I go into the washroom, start to pee, and
then just start spinning around; just so I'll make sure I hit
something.
You see, something you ladies should understand by now is that
men's penises have a mind of their own. A guy can go into a
bathroom stall because all the urinals are being used, take
perfect aim at the toilet, and his penis will still manage to
piss all over the roll of toilet paper, down his left pant leg,
and onto his shoe. I'm telling 'ya those little buggers can't be
trusted.
After being married 28 years my wife has me trained. I'm no
longer allowed to pee like a man - standing up. I am required to
sit down and pee. She has convinced me that this is a small price
to pay. Otherwise if she had gone to the toilet one more time at
night and either sat on a pee soaked toilet seat, or fell right
into the toilet because I forgot to put the seat down, she was
going to kill me in my sleep.
Now another thing us guys don't usually like to talk about, but
because you and I have become such good friends and you think I'm
a classy guy, I might as well be candid with you because it's a
real problem, and you ladies need to be understanding. It's the
dreaded "morning wood".
Most mornings us guys wake up with two things. A tremendous
desire to pee, and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds with
it. Well, no matter how hard you try, you can't get that thing to
bend, and if it don't bend you can't aim, well hell, if you can't
aim you have no choice but to piss all over the wallpaper and
that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you women insist on putting on
the toilet.
And by the way, when you use those damn fuzzy toilet seat covers,
the friggin' toilet seat won't stay up by itself. So that means
we have to use one hand to hold up the toilet seat and the other
hand to try to control ourselves for that perfect aim.
Now sometimes, when you're newly married, (and I know the guys in
here will back me up on this) you think you can get the toilet
seat with that damn fuzzy thing to stay up. You jam it back and
compress that fuzzy thing until the seat stays there. OK, so you
start to pee, but then that compressed fuzzy starts to decompress
and without warning that damn toilet seat comes flying down and
tries to whack off your weenie.
So us guys will not lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy, it's just
not safe. I tried to delicately explain this morning situation to
my wife. I told her... look, it won't bend. She said, "sit down
like I told you to do all the rest of the time." OK. I tried
sitting down on the toilet with "morning wood".
Well it's is very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat, and
before I could manage it, I had pissed all over the bath towels
hanging on the wall across the room. Now, even if you are
sitting down and you can get it forced down under the toilet
seat, when you start to pee the pee shoots out from the crack
between the bottom of the toilet seat and the top of the bowl.
You piss all over the back of your knees and it runs down the
back of our legs on to that damn matching fuzzy horseshoe rug
you keep putting on the floor in front of the toilet.
I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this
morning urinary dilemma is to assume the flying superman position
laying over the toilet seat.
This takes a great deal of practice, perfect balance, and split
time precision but it's the only sure way to get all the pee in
the bowl during the first morning pee.
So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally to
blame. We are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and
bathroom cleanliness, but there are times when things just get
beyond our control.
It's not our fault, it's just Mother Nature.
Now, if it was Father Nature,... there wouldn't have been a
problem!!!
(the male author was responding to a woman who accidentally
walked into the men's restroom):
Please don't feel bad. It wasn't you entering the men's washroom
that caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him. Hell, we do
that all the time. It's rare for us guys to ever hit what were
aiming for. Sometimes I go into the washroom, start to pee, and
then just start spinning around; just so I'll make sure I hit
something.
You see, something you ladies should understand by now is that
men's penises have a mind of their own. A guy can go into a
bathroom stall because all the urinals are being used, take
perfect aim at the toilet, and his penis will still manage to
piss all over the roll of toilet paper, down his left pant leg,
and onto his shoe. I'm telling 'ya those little buggers can't be
trusted.
After being married 28 years my wife has me trained. I'm no
longer allowed to pee like a man - standing up. I am required to
sit down and pee. She has convinced me that this is a small price
to pay. Otherwise if she had gone to the toilet one more time at
night and either sat on a pee soaked toilet seat, or fell right
into the toilet because I forgot to put the seat down, she was
going to kill me in my sleep.
Now another thing us guys don't usually like to talk about, but
because you and I have become such good friends and you think I'm
a classy guy, I might as well be candid with you because it's a
real problem, and you ladies need to be understanding. It's the
dreaded "morning wood".
Most mornings us guys wake up with two things. A tremendous
desire to pee, and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds with
it. Well, no matter how hard you try, you can't get that thing to
bend, and if it don't bend you can't aim, well hell, if you can't
aim you have no choice but to piss all over the wallpaper and
that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you women insist on putting on
the toilet.
And by the way, when you use those damn fuzzy toilet seat covers,
the friggin' toilet seat won't stay up by itself. So that means
we have to use one hand to hold up the toilet seat and the other
hand to try to control ourselves for that perfect aim.
Now sometimes, when you're newly married, (and I know the guys in
here will back me up on this) you think you can get the toilet
seat with that damn fuzzy thing to stay up. You jam it back and
compress that fuzzy thing until the seat stays there. OK, so you
start to pee, but then that compressed fuzzy starts to decompress
and without warning that damn toilet seat comes flying down and
tries to whack off your weenie.
So us guys will not lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy, it's just
not safe. I tried to delicately explain this morning situation to
my wife. I told her... look, it won't bend. She said, "sit down
like I told you to do all the rest of the time." OK. I tried
sitting down on the toilet with "morning wood".
Well it's is very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat, and
before I could manage it, I had pissed all over the bath towels
hanging on the wall across the room. Now, even if you are
sitting down and you can get it forced down under the toilet
seat, when you start to pee the pee shoots out from the crack
between the bottom of the toilet seat and the top of the bowl.
You piss all over the back of your knees and it runs down the
back of our legs on to that damn matching fuzzy horseshoe rug
you keep putting on the floor in front of the toilet.
I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this
morning urinary dilemma is to assume the flying superman position
laying over the toilet seat.
This takes a great deal of practice, perfect balance, and split
time precision but it's the only sure way to get all the pee in
the bowl during the first morning pee.
So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally to
blame. We are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and
bathroom cleanliness, but there are times when things just get
beyond our control.
It's not our fault, it's just Mother Nature.
Now, if it was Father Nature,... there wouldn't have been a
problem!!!