Steel Magnolias ~ Too hard to pick
Clairee: I've just been to the dedication of the new children's park.
Truvy: Yeah, how did that go?
Clairee: Janice Van Meter got hit with a baseball. It was fabulous.
Truvy: Was she hurt?
Clairee: I doubt it. She got hit in the head.
Ouiser Boudreaux: I am just about at the end of my rope with you.
Drum: Well, then why don't you tie a noose and slip it 'round your head?
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Truvy: I kind of like hiring somebody with a past.
Clairee: She can't be more than eighteen. She hasn't had time to have a past.
Truvy: Oh get with it, Clairee. This is the eighties. If you can achieve puberty, you can achieve a past.
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Ouiser Boudreaux: I do not see plays, because I can nap at home for free. And I don't see movies 'cause they're trash, and they got nothin' but naked people in 'em! And I don't read books, 'cause if they're any good, they're gonna make 'em into a miniseries.
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Clairee Belcher: All gay men have track lightin'. And all gay men are named Mark, Rick, or Steve.
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Ouiser Boudreaux: I'm not crazy, M'Lynn, I've just been in a very bad mood for 40 years!
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Ouiser Boudreaux: This is it, I've found it, I'm in hell.
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Drum: Ouiser, can we call a truce long enough for me to get a piece of cake?
[Ouiser slices him the tail piece of an armadillo cake]
Drum: Aww, thanks Ouiser. Nothin' like a good piece of ass.
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Clairee Belcher: They were both high. They'd been smokin' everything but their shoes.
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Truvy: Oh, Sammy's so confused he don't know whether to scratch his watch or wind his butt.
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Ouiser Boudreaux: I'm not as sweet as I used to be.
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Clairee Belcher: I love ya more than my luggage.
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Ouiser Boudreaux: You are a pig from hell.
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Ouiser Boudreaux: I'm not crazy, I've just been a very bad mood for the last 40 years!
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Clairee Belcher: That which does not kill us, makes us stronger.
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Ouiser Boudreaux: Yes, Annelle, I pray! Well, I do! There, I said it, I hope you're satisfied.
Annelle: I suspected this all along!
Ouiser Boudreaux: Oh! Well don't you expect me to come to one of your churches or one of those tent-revivals with all those Bible-beaters doin' God-only-knows-what! They'd probably make me eat a live chicken!
Annelle: Not on your first visit!
Clairee Belcher: Very good, Annelle! You've spoken like a true smart-ass!
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Clairee Belcher: You know, you would be a much more contented, pleasant person if you would find ways to occupy your time.
Ouiser Boudreaux: I'm pleasant. Damn it! I saw Drum Eatenton at the Piggly Wiggly this morning, and I smiled at the son of a ##### 'fore I could help myself.
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Clairee Belcher: Ouiser could never stay mad at me; she worships the quicksand I walk on.
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Ouiser Boudreaux: You are evil, and you must be destroyed.
Clairee Belcher: Mother Nature's taking care of that faster than you could.
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Ouiser Boudreaux: Annelle, take your Bible and shove it where the sun doesn't shine.
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Annelle: We are in the house of the Lord!
Clairee Belcher: A lot she cares. Ousier's never done a religious thing in her life.
Ouiser Boudreaux: Now that is not true. When I was in school, a bunch of my friends and I would dress up as nuns and go bar-hoppin'.
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Ouiser Boudreaux: A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste.
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Truvy: You are playin' hard to get!
Clairee Belcher: At her age, she should be playin' beat the clock.
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Clairee Belcher: Ouiser, I'd recognize this penmanship anywhere. You have the handwritin' of a serial killer.
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Clairee: Ouiser, you sound almost chipper what happened today you run over a small child or something?
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Clairee Belcher: The older you get, the sillier you get.
Ouiser Boudreaux: Yeah, well the older you get, the uglier you get.
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Clairee: And I can also report that a mysterious car is parked in her driveway at least once a week...
Ouiser Boudreaux: There. My secrets out. I'm having an affair with a Mercedes Benz!
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Annelle: That is one ugly dog. What kind of dog is that?
Clairee: If it had hair, it'd be a Saint Bernard.
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M'Lynn: Oh Ouiser, Drum would NEVER point a loaded gun at a lady!
Ouiser Boudreaux: Oh! He's a real gentleman! I bet he takes the dishes out of the sink before he PEES in it!
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M'Lynn: [crying] I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine.
[screaming]
M'Lynn: I'm fine! I can jog all the way to Texas and back, but my daughter can't! She never could! Oh God! I am so mad I don't know what to do! I wanna know why! I wanna know *why* Shelby's life is over! I wanna know how that baby *ever* know how wonderful his mother was! Will he *ever* know what she went through for him! Oh *God* I wanna know *why*? *Why*? Lord, I wish I could understand!
[In a firm tone]
M'Lynn: No! No! No! It's not supposed to happen this way! I'm supposed to go first. I've always been ready to go first! I-I don't think I can take this! I-I don't think I can take this! I-I just wanna *hit* somebody 'til they feel as bad as I do! I just wanna *hit* something! I wanna *hit it hard*!
[continues sobbing]
Clairee: *Here*!
[Grabs Ouiser by the shoulder and positions her in front of M'Lynn]
Clairee: *Hit this*! Go ahead M'Lynn, *slap her*!
Ouiser Boudreaux: [Taken aback and confused] Are you crazy?
Clairee: *Hit her*!
Ouiser Boudreaux: *Are you high, Clairee*?
Truvy: [In a frightened tone] Clairee, have you lost your mind?
Clairee: We'll sell t-shirts sayin' "I SLAPPED OUISER BOUDREAUX!" Hit her!
Annelle: [in a scared tone] Ms. Clairee, enoough!
Clairee: Ouiser, this is your chance to do something for your fellow man! Knock her lights out, M'Lynn!
Ouiser Boudreaux: [snatches away] Let go o' me!
Clairee: M'LYNN, YOU JUST MISSED THE CHANCE OF A LIFETIME! HALF O' CHIQUAPIN PARISH'LL GIVE THEIR EYE-TEETH TO TAKE A WHACK O' OUISER!