My Ill-Behaved Niece

[Hawkeyewife]

My sister has been in the US for about a month and will be here for another month or so while her husband prepares for a transfer to Europe (he is in the State dept). They have two children, ages 1 and 3 and have spent most of their time overseas with nannies and other support staff in their home.

It's nice to have her nearby and I have been able to visit them 5 times since their arrival. I too, have two children (ages 2 and 4) and am pregnant but manage the 90-120 minute drive to Fairfax from Pax River for our day trips.

We last visited them on Friday and went to Tyson's Corner for Nordstrom's Anniversary Sale and some playtime at the mall's play area etc. Anyway, her 3 yr old was a terror and my sister would not remove her from the situation. I can understand the occasional meltdown (my kids are not perfect and I have had to leave the pool or a store with a screaming kid on occasion) but this 3 yr old has had continuous meltdowns each and every time we visit with them.

I love my sister and my niece, but I do not want to visit with them again if the behavior doesn't improve. It upsets my kids (mostly my 2 yr old) and it is emotionally exhausting for me to watch. I wish I could give them some advice, but my sister does not take that sort of thing well.

I'd like to see them before they leave but I don't know if I can, any advice?

 

[smoothmarine187]

Tell her the boogeyman is in her closet and will come out and bite off her head if she doesn't shape up

 

[Tinkerbell]

I wish I had advice for you, but I'm dealing with the same thing and don't know exactly how to deal with it. My SIL has three kids, who are ALL completely out of control. They do not discipline their children at all, ever. They are getting ready to move into the house next to us and I'm not looking forward to it. They don't respect other people's things and don't listen to anyone. They just let them run wild. We always have all of my husbands family to my house for Christmas and I have had several toys and furniture broken by these kids. You can't tell the parents anything. It's a sucky situation and I completely empathize with you. Good luck.

 

[vraiblonde]

I often feel like the only person in the world who will simply tell someone their kids are brats - and if they get pissed, oh well.

Because here's the thing:

If the parent doesn't have enough respect and consideration for you to make their kids behave, why are you having respect and consideration for them?

 

[pixiegirl]

My sister has been in the US for about a month and will be here for another month or so while her husband prepares for a transfer to Europe (he is in the State dept). They have two children, ages 1 and 3 and have spent most of their time overseas with nannies and other support staff in their home.

It's nice to have her nearby and I have been able to visit them 5 times since their arrival. I too, have two children (ages 2 and 4) and am pregnant but manage the 90-120 minute drive to Fairfax from Pax River for our day trips.

We last visited them on Friday and went to Tyson's Corner for Nordstrom's Anniversary Sale and some playtime at the mall's play area etc. Anyway, her 3 yr old was a terror and my sister would not remove her from the situation. I can understand the occasional meltdown (my kids are not perfect and I have had to leave the pool or a store with a screaming kid on occasion) but this 3 yr old has had continuous meltdowns each and every time we visit with them.

I love my sister and my niece, but I do not want to visit with them again if the behavior doesn't improve. It upsets my kids (mostly my 2 yr old) and it is emotionally exhausting for me to watch. I wish I could give them some advice, but my sister does not take that sort of thing well.

I'd like to see them before they leave but I don't know if I can, any advice?

Suck it up and deal with it because you'll regret it if you don't. Family for the most part is a necessary evil sometimes if for no other reason than the fact that we have to live with ourselves. My brother is an alcoholic and is super draining to be around. In my day to day life I have nothing for him. I'm emotionally void when it comes to him for the most part. I love him because he's my brother but I don't really care to socialize or interact with him at all. He's a selfish, self loathing pig. However, I don't avoid family gatherings that he's at just because his presence irritates me because there is more at play than just me. His behavior hurts my mother and father enough without me adding fuel to the fire. I go, I'm pleasant and I leave though often needing a stiff drink myself feeling good that I did the right thing.

Suck it up. It's temporary and she's leaving and who knows when you'll see her again. Just because you don't agree with her parenting style doesn't necessarily mean that yours is correct.

 

[Pete]

What is wrong with the truth? Stop visiting then when they ask tell them. :shrug: It is not like they don't know, they just don't have any negative consequence because people look the other way. If you stop visiting in person......there you go, a negative consequence not to mention they know without a doubt why.

 

[vraiblonde]

Family for the most part is a necessary evil sometimes if for no other reason than the fact that we have to live with ourselves.

You have to live with *yourself*, not them.

I've refused to go to my cousin's house for Christmas because I didn't want my kids around her drunken husband. It caused a rather significant family issue, but they had to take it up with my Mom because they all know I don't really give a crap what they think, so confronting me about it would be pointless.

 

[Pete]

Suck it up and deal with it because you'll regret it if you don't. Family for the most part is a necessary evil sometimes if for no other reason than the fact that we have to live with ourselves. My brother is an alcoholic and is super draining to be around. In my day to day life I have nothing for him. I'm emotionally void when it comes to him for the most part. I love him because he's my brother but I don't really care to socialize or interact with him at all. He's a selfish, self loathing pig. However, I don't avoid family gatherings that he's at just because his presence irritates me because there is more at play than just me. His behavior hurts my mother and father enough without me adding fuel to the fire. I go, I'm pleasant and I leave though often needing a stiff drink myself feeling good that I did the right thing.

Suck it up. It's temporary and she's leaving and who knows when you'll see her again. Just because you don't agree with her parenting style doesn't necessarily mean that yours is correct.

I disagree, I am a grown up and I hang with people I want to. If they cause me tension or stress I just don't go, family or not.

Now I can see cutting your parents some slack because they provided for you during childhood, but sibling.....hell no. Just because we fell from the same womb doesn't mean I owe them an ounce of understanding more than the guy walking down the street.

 

[pixiegirl]

You have to live with *yourself*, not them.

I've refused to go to my cousin's house for Christmas because I didn't want my kids around her drunken husband. It caused a rather significant family issue, but they had to take it up with my Mom because they all know I don't really give a crap what they think, so confronting me about it would be pointless.

Absolutely, you have to live with yourself. If Hawkeyemom is driving all the way to Fairfax and asking for advice here than she's obviously emotionally invested herself. This isn't an issue of drunken uncle but a bratty cousin.

You posted a thread about your mom calling a billion times a day and it driving you nuts. I have the same mother. I don't talk to her or even tolerate her because I "want" to. I do it because I have to live with myself and even if I'm heading to the fridge for a beer after I get off the phone I feel good that I'm being a "good" daughter, even if she always tells me otherwise.

 

[pixiegirl]

I disagree, I am a grown up and I hang with people I want to. If they cause me tension or stress I just don't go, family or not.

Now I can see cutting your parents some slack because they provided for you during childhood, but sibling.....hell no. Just because we fell from the same womb doesn't mean I owe them an ounce of understanding more than the guy walking down the street.

I never once said she owed her sister anything. I said she'd regret it if she didn't. She has to live with herself at the end of the day. It's not her sister that's irritating her, it's her 3 year old niece.

 

[Hawkeyewife]

Thanks for the input. I posted my question because I knew I'd get several different viewpoints.

I usually give my opinions to my friends and family but whenever I have done so with my sister it is not received well, even in times she has asked me for advice (most recently she asked me about how I can get my kids to sleep at night while hers are up all night etc). I will probably suck it up and visit with her at least one more time before they head overseas and keep my mouth shut. This whole thing makes me a little sad. My sister already had to move her 3 yr old out of her preschool to another one last year due to behavioral issues but blamed that on cultural differences. I hope she has better luck in Austria.

Thanks Again.

 

[Pete]

I never once said she owed her sister anything. I said she'd regret it if she didn't. She has to live with herself at the end of the day. It's not her sister that's irritating her, it's her 3 year old niece.

Didn't she say the sister doesn't correct/remove the melt down toddler? Sounds like the sister is the cause the toddler is just medium.

I can't see regretting not hanging with someone who makes you want to yank your hair out and causes stress in your whole family.

 

[vraiblonde]

You posted a thread about your mom calling a billion times a day and it driving you nuts. I have the same mother. I don't talk to her or even tolerate her because I "want" to. I do it because I have to live with myself and even if I'm heading to the fridge for a beer after I get off the phone I feel good that I'm being a "good" daughter, even if she always tells me otherwise.

See, I genuinely like my Mom when she's not being a nut But I told her right up front before I went to visit them a few weeks ago that I was coming to have fun, and she had to be fun or I was going home and not coming back.

In Hawkeye's situation, when Brattica started to melt down, I'd have said, "Uh-oh, looks like somebody needs a nappy-nappy. Kids! Let's pack it up before Brattica gets too wound up."

If the Mom won't do the right thing, sometimes you can shame them into it by doing it for them.

 

[Vince]

I wish I had advice for you, but I'm dealing with the same thing and don't know exactly how to deal with it. My SIL has three kids, who are ALL completely out of control. They do not discipline their children at all, ever. They are getting ready to move into the house next to us and I'm not looking forward to it. They don't respect other people's things and don't listen to anyone. They just let them run wild. We always have all of my husbands family to my house for Christmas and I have had several toys and furniture broken by these kids. You can't tell the parents anything. It's a sucky situation and I completely empathize with you. Good luck.

You'd better put up a very tall fence between your homes.

 

[vraiblonde]

It's not her sister that's irritating her, it's her 3 year old niece.

No - it's the sister. A kid is just a kid; they'll do whatever the adults around them allow them to do. If Momma would put her foot down (or plan her outings better so babygirl doesn't get over tired), then there wouldn't be a problem.

 

[kwillia]

No - it's the sister. A kid is just a kid; they'll do whatever the adults around them allow them to do. If Momma would put her foot down (or plan her outings better so babygirl doesn't get over tired), then there wouldn't be a problem.

It's the parenting... not the child.

 

[aps45819]

I'd just jerk the kid up and tell her uncle aps doesn't allow little kids to act like that.
If mom gets upset and asks you not to come back the problem is solved

 

[Hawkeyewife]

In Hawkeye's situation, when Brattica started to melt down, I'd have said, "Uh-oh, looks like somebody needs a nappy-nappy. Kids! Let's pack it up before Brattica gets too wound up."

I LOVE that, I did exactly that on Friday when my Niece freaked out at Nordstrom's. My sister refused to leave so I left for 20 minutes with my kids to the lingerie dept so I could pick up a few new bras. When we returned, my Niece was still freaking out but now with a couple of toys and a balloon to boot. My sister was oblivious while shopping for kids clothes... I was completely shocked!

Shame doesn't work with my sister. She says her children are "spirited" while mine are well-behaved. I am so "lucky" she says... I have dealt with 3 deployments while juggling motherhood of one then two kids, so I disagree, I just know how to prep my kids for outings and I am always prepared to leave if necessary.

 

[Vince]

If it were my niece, and in my house, I would have a talk with my brother in the area of discipline. And if it wasn't taken seriously or he gave me crap, then bye. Bring you're daughter around when she can behave or when you learn something about being a parent.

 

[baileydog]

I never once said she owed her sister anything. I said she'd regret it if she didn't. She has to live with herself at the end of the day. It's not her sister that's irritating her, it's her 3 year old niece.

I would say its also the sister whos irritating because she wont control her brats behavior.