Need your thoughts on this....

[LPMEDIC]

I am doing a project for my psych class and want to know what some of your thoughts are on this issue......



When faced with the issue of your parents or loved ones becoming ill and not able to care for themselves, do you think it is right to place them in a nursing home rather than caring for them at home??

and why do you think our society is accepting this trend?

Thanks so much for your input. Feel free to PM me with any additional comments.

 

[Sharon]

I think it depends on the person's abilities and how much their parent is incapacitated. Not everyone has the time, knowledge, or resources to do the job. I wouldn't frown on those who go that route, but it is expensive. I don't like people who do it for purely selfish reasons. Nursing homes look all nice from the outside and they give you the warm fuzzies on the tour - but you have no idea what goes on inside (BTDT) and I wouldn't put my dog in one of those places.

My Dad took care of his Mom until she died and my Mom was caring for my Grandma until she moved her into a senior apartment (which she hates).

Unless my parents suffered from severe dementia or are brain dead, I would take both of my parents in before I fed them to the wolves like that.

 

[Otter]

Tho it seems cruel but it is necessary to put a loved one in a nursing home due to the caretakers mental well being. My mother died a yr ago this past Easter from Alzheimers and we(sibs) encouraged our father to put her in a nursing home 2 years prior to her dying. The toll she was taking on my father(70s) was tremendous and there was an obvious upswing in his whole outlook on life once she was put in a nursing home. Even having the money to afford a round-the-clock nurse doesn't help with the stress felt from having to deal with a loved one whose mind has gone. Until you have had to deal with someone with Alzheimers, you can't pass judgement on people who have put their invalid relatives in homes.

 

[Flo]

It is a very hard decision to make, and very heart wrenching. I know, because my sisters and I had to make this decision with my mother. I never thought or wished to place my mother in a nursing home, and never imagined this would ever have happened to someone I loved dearly.

She was diagnosed with "Dementia," and as the years went on, the progression of her illness was worsening to the point that we feared for her safety. While she was at home, it was hard to find assistance for her, as my sisters and I had full time jobs. It was just as costly, or more so to have two or three assistants, as placing her in a nursing home. Two years ago, it was $5,000.00 a month for a semi-private room. Medicare paid for a couple of months....afterwards, my mother's life savings dwindled. Finding someone dependable was also difficult at home, and the falls and hurting herself were becoming a great concern.

She then started having headaches, and a cyst was found on her brain, possibly from the falls she had. The decision for surgery was placed on me. The surgery had to be done right away if it was going to be done. Did I want her to die, maybe having a slow death and pain, or would she become a vegetable after surgery. I still have guilt trips I guess, as it was the hardest decision I ever had to make. I opted for surgery, as I wanted to have my mother for a few more years; maybe due to my selfish reasoning. After surgery, my sisters and I placed her in St. Mary's Nursing Center, Leonardtown, where we thought she would get therapy. My mother resisted. She spent about 5 years there, and though somedays were better than others, I have my regrets. I can not pass by that area, without getting upset. Most of the staff were great, but I and my sisters had many a concern for the way she was treated by several there. I wrote letters after her death to the State of Maryland, my congressman and senator. They finally got back to me 6 months later to say that they could find no abuse.

Like I said, it is a hard decision to make. If I had it to do over again, I would have quit my job, and stayed home with her.

 

[Flo]

Kwilla,

The hardest part is seeing them deteriorate, and you can't do anything for them. My mother was a small woman, but she was also inflicted with crippling arthritis, and when she fell out of her wheelchair or bed, it took two or three people to get her up off the floor. My youngest sister lived with her, and there were several times at midnight when the phone would ring to come help her get my mother up. It is also hard to place the burden on one person to take care of someone that needs care, 24/7. It became very stressful on my youngest sister.

 

[migtig]

I think it depends mostly on the situation. Recently, I was commuting back and forth out of state to assist in taking care of my father who broke his hip. He was still functioning mentally (or so the docs said) he just wasn't mobile. It was extremely draining emotionally, physically and financially. However he was/is my father and I felt a responsibility to help him however I could.
On the other hand, not that long ago, my grandmother was being cared for by my uncle and his wife. She had alzheimers. Eventually, she got so "loony" that she was a hazard to my uncle's family's welfare (he had three children). She believed firmly that she was a government spy and was being held hostage and being tortured. These beliefs were very real to her thu, and she would become violent in her attempts to "escape". It became neccesary to put her in a home, where she could be watched, medicated, etc. with professional help, where she wouldn't be a danger to herself and others around her.

 

[mainman]

Originally posted by kwillia
Exactly what I am facing. I am most concerned about my mom and how she will emotionally handle the guilt. The sad part is both my parents are young yet. Dad is only 62 and Mom is only 57.

My parents are the same age as yours, and my dad just retired. Still in good health. I have never even thought about this stuff until now. It is very depressing just thinking about this. I wish they would live forever, but since thats not possible I only hope that when they go, they go quick. Feels weird even putting that into words. Pretty sucky to have worked like a dog all of your life and then have all your money sucked up by medical bills.

 

[Flo]

It is all very sad to comprehend. My father passed away in 1982 at 78. My mother was 18 years younger than my father, but suffered from rheumatoid arthritis for years before my father's death. After his death, her health got worse. She passed away in September, 2001 at 79.

 

[pilot]

There is one other point that I have not heard mentioned yet. That is the effect of improved medicine on life expectancy. Not only are families a lot smaller today (with both people frequently working just to afford a home), but people LIVE a lot longer.

I know someone who stayed with her mother to take care of her until she hit 40. At that point she realized that she wanted to have her own life before she became elderly herself. So I don't think she was being selfish for not wanting to take care of her mother any more.

 

[Flo]

I stayed with my mother until I got married at 40. My youngest sister was also in her 40's when she cared for my mother after I left home. She never married, and is a year younger than me. It does put a damper on your life. Very difficult to try to lead a social life and take care of aging parents, whom you also love, and don't want to hurt.

 

[RodRugg]

I know that sometimes it depends on how fast they can run. One time my dad took my grandma to this place where they take care of old people and feed them and make them watch TV. As soon as they let my grandma outside she ran into the woods so fast nobody could catch her. When the police brought her back they didn't let her outside no more except my grandma busted the door off its hinges with her bare feet and ran into the woods. After that they told my dad they couldn't keep her no more because they couldn't catch her. My dad said they should set out some traps but they said they couldn't do it cuz people might get hurt. Anyways my grandma hated my dad for that for two years and was always tryin' to poison his food or cut his hair in his sleep.

 

[Flo]

I also am inflicted with arthritis in my legs and hip; like my mother. Am not crippled to the point she was, as I have to still work full time for another 7 years, unless I become crippled. Sometimes I wonder if I should ever retire. My mother never worked out of the home, so after my father's death, it was like she gave up. She and my father both worked hard all their lives (tobacco farming), and it is hard to think of all those years of hard work and saving, for what?!?!

I am still undecided on what I want to do if I become ill. Don't like to think of assisted living, but that is probably what I would do, as I don't have children to make that decision for me, and will not put a burden on my sisters and husband.

 

[Flo]

Originally posted by RodRugg
I know that sometimes it depends on how fast they can run. One time my dad took my grandma to this place where they take care of old people and feed them and make them watch TV. As soon as they let my grandma outside she ran into the woods so fast nobody could catch her. When the police brought her back they didn't let her outside no more except my grandma busted the door off its hinges with her bare feet and ran into the woods. After that they told my dad they couldn't keep her no more because they couldn't catch her. My dad said they should set out some traps but they said they couldn't do it cuz people might get hurt. Anyways my grandma hated my dad for that for two years and was always tryin' to poison his food or cut his hair in his sleep.

Thanks for the laugh as it was needed! It was getting a bit depressing....

 

[Sharon]

A couple other points...

Flo mentioned abuse. It does happen a lot more than you think and it's hard to prove. These places know when the inspectors are coming and they always have a full staff that day. Amazingly everything shapes up.

Another thing is that everyone talks about the toll it takes on the family doing the caring. It happens with the workers in nursing homes too. They also face the same emotions the families do - getting attached to some of the patients. They do the same job day in and day out. There are good ones and bad ones and the pay isn't so hot either. It's back breaking (grunt) work. Sometimes medical protocol isn't always followed either. A lot of times they are understaffed and undersupplied but they have to get the job done.

 

[Otter]

Originally posted by RodRugg
IAfter that they told my dad they couldn't keep her no more because they couldn't catch her.

Reminds me of my mom when she first entered the nursing home, she organized a jail break thru an semi-enclosed patio, took 3 or 4 of the other patients with her. All I could think about after I heard about it was McMurphy taking the group in the mental ward on a field trip in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. Was one of those "You go, girl" moments..

 

[Flo]

Re: A couple other points...

Originally posted by Sharon
Flo mentioned abuse. It does happen a lot more than you think and it's hard to prove. These places know when the inspectors are coming and they always have a full staff that day. Amazingly everything shapes up.

Disturbing to think about your loved one being abused when they were loved so much at home, and very hard to prove. The inspectors claim they don't announce when they are going to inspect, but seemed odd that they could never find anything wrong, when we found distrubing things almost every day we went.

 

[cattitude]

As I posted before, I had my grandmother live with me for 2+ years. It was exhausting and she was in fairly good health. I didn't want to put her in a nursing home but did find a very nice assisted living home in Owings. It is an actual residence that has 6 bedrooms, huge screened-in porch, family room, large country kitchen and living room. It's very nice. There is an aide that is there 24 hours a day. My grandmother has been there for 1 1/2 years and is very happy.....now. Unfortunately after seeing what Otter and I went through with my grandmother, our children have no interest in taking us in, I'm sure.

Like Otter mentioned, until you've done it, you cannot imagine what it will be like.

Otter's mom wasn't really in a nursing home until the end. She was in a very nice facility that was one half Alzheimers care and other half was assisted living. It was a very, very nice place.

 

[LPMEDIC]

I know this is not the most uplifting topic for a thread, but I really want to say thank you to all of you that have posted on here so far..

Working on the ambulance I have been to all of the nursing homes in St Marys and most of them in an around DC and I see and get to interact with the residents at these facilities. I do understand the need for some people to be in these places. What gets me are the families that put relatives in the nursing homes and never come to see them. These people worked all their lives to care for their families and now they get put in a home and forgotten. I guess we as a society are so busy these days and have so much going on in "MY LIFE" that we can't even take a little time to care for those that took care of us in the begining. JMHO.

 

[Flo]

Originally posted by cattitude
As I posted before, I had my grandmother live with me for 2+ years. It was exhausting and she was in fairly good health. I didn't want to put her in a nursing home but did find a very nice assisted living home in Owings. It is an actual residence that has 6 bedrooms, huge screened-in porch, family room, large country kitchen and living room. It's very nice. There is an aide that is there 24 hours a day. My grandmother has been there for 1 1/2 years and is very happy.....now. Unfortunately after seeing what Otter and I went through with my grandmother, our children have no interest in taking us in, I'm sure.

Like Otter mentioned, until you've done it, you cannot imagine what it will be like.

Otter's mom wasn't really in a nursing home until the end. She was in a very nice facility that was one half Alzheimers care and other half was assisted living. It was a very, very nice place.

That is what I would have wished for my mother, though she didn't have the capability to take care of her self at all.

 

[LPMEDIC]

Originally posted by kwillia
Medic... have you ever had a family member (grandparent, aunt, uncle, cousin, etc.) in a long-term care facility?

Yes I have, My grandmother had cancer, and she died in 1999. My mother had her move into her home and took care of her for almost 2 years before she died. It really wook a toll on my mom and and stepdad.. I could see it wearing them down, thank god for hospice that came and helped. they really were a blessing.

and my grandfather died last year, he was put in a nursing home the last 8 months that he was with us, He had pulmonary problmens that required constant care and needed the round the clock medical attention not available at home. But my mom and other relatives were there everyday to visit him until the end.