Need your thoughts on this....

[Flo]

Originally posted by LPMEDIC
Yes I have, My grandmother had cancer, and she died in 1999. My mother had her move into her home and took care of her for almost 2 years before she died. It really wook a toll on my mom and and stepdad.. I could see it wearing them down, thank god for hospice that came and helped. they really were a blessing.

and my grandfather died last year, he was put in a nursing home the last 8 months that he was with us, He had pulmonary problmens that required constant care and needed the round the clock medical attention not available at home. But my mom and other relatives were there everyday to visit him until the end.

Medic,

I would have loved to been with my mother every day in the nursing home, or to have been able to have kept her at home, and cared for her. It was impossible to visit my mother every day or weekend. My youngest sister, being single, did so more frequently than my eldest sister and I. This did not mean that my eldest sister and I forgot about our mother. It was also difficult somedays to go down and watch her deteriorating. She wasn't always in the best of moods, thus she would show her aggravations, directed for anyone close by. I understood that she wasn't in the same mind frame as years before, but it was very difficult to hear her rantings and outbursts. My mother was very quiet and never cursed before she became ill.

Alzheimer's and Dementia are very difficult illnesses to accept.

 

[vraiblonde]

My grandfather was diagnosed with Alzheimer's when he was 70-ish. Not long after that, he drove to a semi-public place (where someone would find him quickly, just not my grandmother) and shot himself. My Dad and I were the only ones in our family that admired his courage. I like to think that's what I'd do, rather than become a burden to my family.

 

[Flo]

Originally posted by vraiblonde
My grandfather was diagnosed with Alzheimer's when he was 70-ish. Not long after that, he drove to a semi-public place (where someone would find him quickly, just not my grandmother) and shot himself. My Dad and I were the only ones in our family that admired his courage. I like to think that's what I'd do, rather than become a burden to my family.

Sometimes I would like to think that if I have the mind to do so, I would do the same thing.

 

[Kirsten]

Okay can I my experience? I will try to be brief, my mom went through 2 rounds of breast cancer, first one when I was just 21. I came to the house everyday during her recovery after the mastectomy and helped her get cleaned up, flush the drain and did the housework and meals. Then went back to my apartment where I was living with my now husband and did my own housework etc.

My sister is married to army so couldn't/wouldn't come home because she had small children.

Then over the course of the next 6 years many major medical issues came up, my parents had major surgeries 3 weeks apart and right near Thanksgiving, again I was over everyday and then made Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners that year.

Two years after that one my father had a cerebral hemorrhage(sp?) and my had a recurrence of the breast cancer, it had spread to her liver, by then I was pregnant with my first. My hubby and I were living with them by then and I took care of the, drove mom back and forth to chemo etc.

In then end I was the one doing a lot of the work and trying to deal with a newborn and a terminal mother. She didn't get very incapcitated until the end when she was in the ICU for a week before she died.

The following summer her mother ended up with Zoster, extreme shingles, that did permanent nerve damage to her left leg. She was bedridden but I was there doing my best to help and set up meals on wheels and a HHA to come in. She got cantankerous about what she was being fed and called me EVERYDAY to come over and then while I was there would put me down about my child rearing skills so eventually she went to a short/long term care facility until she was back on her feet. I went to visit and took care of her apartment while she was there and brought things to her etc. She is back living on her own and I do help her out when she needs it. But I have a much different relationship with her than with my parents so I have no issues putting her in an assisted living community or nursing home.

So I do think it does depend on the mental capacity of the person in question, both parties for that matter, and what the relationship between the is and what the needs of the person in question is.

 

[Flo]

Originally posted by kwillia
Sad as it may be, I see it as being courageous, as well.

It is sad, but when I remember how the physicans treated my mother and father before their deaths, it was like you were nothing but a number and a statistic.

 

[Dymphna]

This is something that needs to be decided on a case by case basis. The parent's condition is a factor, the financial situation and living accomidations of the children is another.

My grandmother is 81 and quite capable both mentally and physically. She doesn't drive, but hasn't for about 40 years, so everyone has had time to adapt to the idea that grandma needs a ride. She lived on her own until about 8 or 9 years ago when my aunt, concerned for her welfare bought a house with enough room and invited her mother to stay. My aunt was buying a house anyway, she just included Mom in her vision of the perfect house. My aunt was single with no kids and traveled a lot for work, so it was good to have the house occupied when she was away. It worked for everyone. My aunt built a new house and included her mother when deciding on the layout. My other aunt lives less than a mile away and checks up on her often. The result is Grandma has a home she can consider her own, she contributes to the bills, so she doesn't feel like a leech. She is terrified of having to be institutionalized.

On the other hand, my husband's grandparents were put in a home. Their son had built a house with the idea that his or his wife's parents would eventually come live with them. All the living areas, except the master bedroom were on one level and it was completely wheel chair accessable. His wife was a retired nurse, so professional round the clock care would be available. However, it soon became apparent that BOTH of his parents had Altzheimer's. His father was much more advanced in the disease. He still drove and often got lost. They still lived in their own home and had a vacation home. Grandpa nearly burned down the vacation home but had forgotten that he had even been there, so he blamed his grandson. But the final straw came when he kept putting out the pilot light on the furnace instead of just turning down the thermostat. He nearly burned himself trying to relight it. After he did this several times they put them in a home. They didn't go live with the son because the son lived on the waterfront and they were afraid Grandpa would wander away and maybe drown. Their fears were validated when Grandpa wandered away from the assisted living home. Then he started getting lost within the home and ended up in the rooms of strange women. They kicked him out and he ended up in a full fledged nursing home while grandma lived in an assisted-living home next door to it.

 

[vraiblonde]

Isn't it interesting that by medical science prolonging life expectancy, they've created another problem?

My great grandparents were civilized enough to die at around 70 - no fuss, no muss, they just got sick and passed away while still living in their own home. My grandmother will be 80 in November, due to numerous life-saving surgeries and artificial parts. I hope, when my time comes, I'm graceful enough to accept it and not try to be kept alive by artificial means.

 

[Dymphna]

Originally posted by vraiblonde
My great grandparents were civilized enough to die at around 70 - no fuss, no muss, they just got sick and passed away while still living in their own home.

My Great Grandmother lived to be 89. She had undiagnosed Altzheimer's, (they understood even less about it then than now) and lived with her daughter. They kept her locked in the house because she thought she was in Ireland (she immigrated at age 20) and was visiting a neighbor. She always wanted to go home so her mother wouldn't be worried. I remember going to visit when I was three-yrs old. I was told to watch her while my grandmother went to brush her teeth. As soon as my grandmother left the room, my great-grandmother ran for the door. I am told that my grandmother returned to the room when I screamed for her. She found me holding the screen door closed while gg tried to escape. Then my grandfather told her she couldn't go out because it was snowing (it was July). She believed him and stayed put. Nursing homes were horrible institutions then, only for those who had no family or whose family truly didn't care.

With retirement communities, assisted living facilities and all levels of care available in nursing homes, it's a lot different now.

MEDIC, there was an article in the Post sometime last week about nursing homes which cater to special interests such as different ethnic groups, homosexuals, etc. It focused a lot on Asians. In Asian countries the idea of putting people in nursing homes is appalling. You would be shamed if you did such a thing. But American born children of Asian immigrants don't see it that way. The Asian born elderly parents still see the stigma of the nursing home but by creating these homes where the staff speaks Chinese or Korean or whatever and by serving foods from their homeland, many of these people are quite happy in the nursing homes. Some of those interviewed even said they were happier than when they tried living with their kids.

 

[Flo]

Originally posted by vraiblonde
Isn't it interesting that by medical science prolonging life expectancy, they've created another problem?

My great grandparents were civilized enough to die at around 70 - no fuss, no muss, they just got sick and passed away while still living in their own home. My grandmother will be 80 in November, due to numerous life-saving surgeries and artificial parts. I hope, when my time comes, I'm graceful enough to accept it and not try to be kept alive by artificial means.

One of my aunt's (father's sister), who was single, died peacefully in her home at age 79, and gave us her funeral wishes, etc. the day before she died. I hope I am as lucky.

 

[NAS]

I have been working in a nursing home for a little over a year. so maybe i can help. I myself would attempt to care for my parents at home as long as it is possible. Anyone can do it, but it depends on the patients status, there are some things you can handle at home and some things you cannot. and it also depends on you and how much you can handle and how much you can accept that is happeneing to your loved one. Ive come to realize that the only thing that may be hard on taking care of them at home is Dementia, and Alzheimer's disease, they are hard to handle. regardless of how much you care for that person and are taking care of that person the disease makes them do unpredictable things that they are not aware they are doing, it begins to get not so easy. An Alzheimers patient needs 24 hour care, they wake in the middle of the night not knowing where they are and began to wander. I myself would attempt to care for my parents until i knew for sure that i could not handle it anymore, even then i would put them in a nursing home where i could be every day.

 

[Flo]

Originally posted by NAS
I have been working in a nursing home for a little over a year. so maybe i can help. I myself would attempt to care for my parents at home as long as it is possible. Anyone can do it, but it depends on the patients status, there are some things you can handle at home and some things you cannot. and it also depends on you and how much you can handle and how much you can accept that is happeneing to your loved one. Ive come to realize that the only thing that may be hard on taking care of them at home is Dementia, and Alzheimer's disease, they are hard to handle. regardless of how much you care for that person and are taking care of that person the disease makes them do unpredictable things that they are not aware they are doing, it begins to get not so easy. An Alzheimers patient needs 24 hour care, they wake in the middle of the night not knowing where they are and began to wander. I myself would attempt to care for my parents until i knew for sure that i could not handle it anymore, even then i would put them in a nursing home where i could be every day.

Thank you for your input NAS. In the beginning, I swore that I would never put my parents or siblings in a nursing home. That was just not something I would have ever thought of doing. When faced with caring 24/7, my sister up at all hours of the night, and having to work the next day, we had to make a decision that we had to live with for the rest of our lives. It was a hard decision, and I still have difficulty with it today.

 

[giggles04]

Last summer, my grandmother became very ill. She had many problems and it was told to my family that we needed to care for her 24/7, because she could not be alone. My sister and I spent the whole summer working full time during the day, and switching our evenings and nights at her house... so neither one of us had to spend every night down there. We had hired help come in during the day... so that made it a little easier. My grandmother was 75 years old... and was very much against the idea of being in the nursing home and my sister and I wanted to keep her out of it. She spent 2 weeks there and that was the worst I had ever seen her... and we did not want her to go in there again. She ended up passing away in September... but I understand why people do it. Friends of my family have just put their 76 year old mother in the nursing home because it has taken a major toll on the father. It depends on the situation... but I feel like if you are able to do so... they keep them out of there.

 

[Oz]

This is a heart-felt conversation. Unfortunately, you have to remove emotions when reasoning through this situation.

I think all parents would say exactly what has been said here. No one wants to be a burden on their family. No one wants to be around when their quality of life deteriorates. I don't have a moral problem with suicide in total privacy.

Yes, it is perfectly reasonable to live in a nursing home when you are unable to care for yourself. But the family obligation doesn't end at the front door of that facility. That person still has to be a part of your family even though they reside in a home. That means support and visitation.

Some people feel obligated to be a primary caregiver to their parent. That's noble, but I don't think that's the answer. It takes too much of a toll on the caregiver, especially is the person giving the care is also elderly. (As in the case of a grandparent caring for another grandparent.) But if that is what the person wants to do, and they are financially capable of doing that, it's wonderful. But if it creates a mental, physical or financial hardship, it's not the answer.

We all have sad stories. My condolences to everyone who has expressed theirs here. I watched my 79 year old grandmother stroke out, live on machines for 6 weeks, and then go through months of rehab and finally come home. Sadly, the stroke robbed her of the person she was, and less than 6 months after the first stroke, another one took her life.

This is also a good time to make your own living will. Specify what you want so your family won't have to make rational decisions during emotionally charged times. That is impossible, and determining someone's life is probably the biggest hardship that one individual can place on another. Do a living will for the people you love. Then they can deal with the emotions of the situation rather than the responsibility of deciding the outcome of the situation.