Please help me convince a friend...

[vraiblonde]

Do NOT let her talk to you about him, Nacho. If she confides in you, she is unleashing her burden onto you, thereby relinquishing that responsibility from herself. If you tell her, point blank, that you never want to hear his name again, or hear about whatever he might be doing right now, that will mean that she will need to carry that burden alone. When that burden becomes too much for her, *that* is when she will have "had enough" and walk away from him. This probably doesn't make much sense, but it sounds really good in my head.

Not to mention that it gets boring listening to someone bitch about their SO constantly, yet never want to fix the problem by dumping his ass. Sounds good to me.

 

[Dakota]

Do NOT let her talk to you about him, Nacho. If she confides in you, she is unleashing her burden onto you, thereby relinquishing that responsibility from herself. If you tell her, point blank, that you never want to hear his name again, or hear about whatever he might be doing right now, that will mean that she will need to carry that burden alone. When that burden becomes too much for her, *that* is when she will have "had enough" and walk away from him. This probably doesn't make much sense, but it sounds really good in my head.

No, it does. Sometimes we tell our friends secrets and get upset when they repeat them but the fact of the matter is a secret told to another can be a burden to them if it goes against their belief system. I don't think this is any different. Nacho can give her opinion about how she feels this relationship is damaging her friend's ability to be happy.... but her friend is the one who has to decide this one-sided relationship isn't for her.... but as long as she has friends to vent to, she isn't going to do that inner soul searching within herself to determine why it isn't good for her. It has to be her friend's choice.... So establishing a boundary here by saying you want to hear no more about it but want to continue the friendship based on other common interests isn't a bad thing.... and when she is done with Mr. Wrong... Nacho can be there to support her in finding Mr. Right.

 

[Bann]

If she loves him the way he is, then that's her choice. If she thinks he's going to change, that's a mistake. If he loves her enough to change, he would already be changing.

Don't believe he can't change, we all do. Change is part of life. But don't expect him to change the way you want him to.

Next thing worry about your own life and let your friend be in charge of her own. Give her your 2 cents, and move on. She will do with your advice what she sees fit. Don't be a nanny. If you don't like him, don't hang around when he's there.

Besides, maybe he cooks a mean Italian sausage!

She is choosing, for whatever reason, to allow this to happen. I don't think anything you say will make a difference, nacho; however, if she had a decent man pay her some attention then she might just actually see for herself that she can do better. It's likely she's afraid of being alone. You may want to be careful how far you push it or she will find herself, real or imagined, in a position to choose between him and you.



Or has one.

If electric is about to be turned off and she is still paying for a satellite bill, she doesn't understand priorities. If she didn't bail this idiot out, it wouldn't be an issue.

If she hasn't figured it out by now, she probably never will and trying to convince her other wise will just reenforce her wanting to stay with him.

Apparently she doesn't think so.

Do NOT let her talk to you about him, Nacho. If she confides in you, she is unleashing her burden onto you, thereby relinquishing that responsibility from herself. If you tell her, point blank, that you never want to hear his name again, or hear about whatever he might be doing right now, that will mean that she will need to carry that burden alone. When that burden becomes too much for her, *that* is when she will have "had enough" and walk away from him. This probably doesn't make much sense, but it sounds really good in my head.

Not to mention that it gets boring listening to someone bitch about their SO constantly, yet never want to fix the problem by dumping his ass. Sounds good to me.

I agree with all of the above and I would have written all of the above almost verbatim, except that it's already been said. Honestly, the bottom line is SHE is not willing or is not ready yet, for whatever reason, to be done with him.

I believe when people are enablers, they are actually passively aggressively controlling. They get some kind of (dysfunctional) satisfaction from being "needed". It's a power that they might not have over someone who has more on the ball.

Just my thoughts.

 

[Dakota]

I believe when people are enablers, they are actually passively aggressively controlling. They get some kind of (dysfunctional) satisfaction from being "needed". It's a power that they might not have over someone who has more on the ball.

Just my thoughts.

They fail to realize that being needed and being taken advantage of are very different...

 

[belvak]

She is choosing, for whatever reason, to allow this to happen. I don't think anything you say will make a difference, nacho; however, if she had a decent man pay her some attention then she might just actually see for herself that she can do better. It's likely she's afraid of being alone. You may want to be careful how far you push it or she will find herself, real or imagined, in a position to choose between him and you.

Or has one.

I agree with all of the above and I would have written all of the above almost verbatim, except that it's already been said. Honestly, the bottom line is SHE is not willing or is not ready yet, for whatever reason, to be done with him.

I believe when people are enablers, they are actually passively aggressively controlling. They get some kind of (dysfunctional) satisfaction from being "needed". It's a power that they might not have over someone who has more on the ball.

Just my thoughts.

All of the bold above!!!! She's afraid to kick him to the curb, because then she may not have anyone. Some people just can't do "alone". That said, try not to let yourself keep getting sucked into it.

 

[ginwoman]

Do NOT let her talk to you about him, Nacho. If she confides in you, she is unleashing her burden onto you, thereby relinquishing that responsibility from herself. If you tell her, point blank, that you never want to hear his name again, or hear about whatever he might be doing right now, that will mean that she will need to carry that burden alone. When that burden becomes too much for her, *that* is when she will have "had enough" and walk away from him. This probably doesn't make much sense, but it sounds really good in my head.

Bad Girl it makes total sense! I had the same situation several years ago with my best friend. She told me story after story about the horrible things he did and lies he told. She was with this POS for like 3 years. And I listened to her stories and just made myself sick. The thing is when you are talking to them thats ALL that is on their mind. So there is nothing else for them to talk about because their obsessed. It is a bad situation. The only thing that made my friend dump him (an it broke her heart) was seeing him with another woman. Then her eyes finally opened.

 

[bresamil]

Do NOT let her talk to you about him, Nacho. If she confides in you, she is unleashing her burden onto you, thereby relinquishing that responsibility from herself. If you tell her, point blank, that you never want to hear his name again, or hear about whatever he might be doing right now, that will mean that she will need to carry that burden alone. When that burden becomes too much for her, *that* is when she will have "had enough" and walk away from him. This probably doesn't make much sense, but it sounds really good in my head.

Excellent advice! My daughter just went through this with one of her closest friends (not the financial part but the being mistreated part) and she told the girl point blank to "do what you want but I want to hear NOTHING about this boy". The girl was making poor choices and the boy was definitely playing her. Since the friend had no one to talk to she started dealing with his behavior on her own. Needless to say she has now moved on to someone who treats her well.

 

[Bann]

They fail to realize that being needed and being taken advantage of are very different...

I see it a bit differently. I don't think she is being taken advantage of. I think she is a grown woman, with a lot going for her, as Nacho said. She is making her own choices. She needs to be needed and in her mind, he needs her all the time, whether he is using her or not. It is dysfunctional, but she gets satisfaction from it. Like Belva says down below...

All of the bold above!!!! She's afraid to kick him to the curb, because then she may not have anyone. Some people just can't do "alone". That said, try not to let yourself keep getting sucked into it.

Some people would rather be in a dysfunctional relationship than be alone.

 

[Bann]

Bad Girl it makes total sense! I had the same situation several years ago with my best friend. She told me story after story about the horrible things he did and lies he told. She was with this POS for like 3 years. And I listened to her stories and just made myself sick. The thing is when you are talking to them thats ALL that is on their mind. So there is nothing else for them to talk about because their obsessed. It is a bad situation. The only thing that made my friend dump him (an it broke her heart) was seeing him with another woman. Then her eyes finally opened.

Excellent advice! My daughter just went through this with one of her closest friends (not the financial part but the being mistreated part) and she told the girl point blank to "do what you want but I want to hear NOTHING about this boy". The girl was making poor choices and the boy was definitely playing her. Since the friend had no one to talk to she started dealing with his behavior on her own. Needless to say she has now moved on to someone who treats her well.

A long time ago, I had to learn this mantra: "my problem - not my problem" in dealing with some family issues.

I can't change their problems, so I don't make it my problem AND I don't let *them make it my problem.

 

[SG_Player1974]

OK, maybe I should have been a bit more blatent and obvious with my previous post...

Is this chick good looking or not?

Is she overweight or not?

You mention that she has "a great personality" but, personality is only something that you get to AFTER the physical attraction.

Honestly... when was the last time you were out looking for a man/woman and said to yourself "Damn... I bet he/she has a great personality!"

Im not judging your friend at all. I am just wondering WHY someone who seems to have it all would have such a hard time finding someone to treat them better than the douche she is with.

 

[MarieB]

I haven't read the whole thread yet, but please please please tell me that she doesn't have children living at home?

 

[ZARA]

The heart wants what it wants and pays no never mind to the logics of the mind. Fear of change, focusing on the good times instead of the bad, great sex...all plays a factor. In the end no one can change her mind. She will just have to become so fed up or meets someone that treats her right before she kicks his butt to the curb for good.

As a good friend the best you can do is listen and support the decisions she makes for her life.

 

[Larry Gude]

Hello there!

Please help me convince a friend she needs to dump her scumbag boyfriend.

Why don't you just dump the friend? Then, you don't have to deal with any of this? She's either happy with the relationship or not. That's up to her. You, on the other hand, are not so, why deal with it?

I mean, what is 'friendship' anyone? The control of what someone else chooses to do, how they choose to live their life or is friendship you just take them as they are, the good and the, as you see it, the bad?

 

[mamatutu]

The heart wants what it wants and pays no never mind to the logics of the mind. Fear of change, focusing on the good times instead of the bad, great sex...all plays a factor. In the end no one can change her mind. She will just have to become so fed up or meets someone that treats her right before she kicks his butt to the curb for good.

As a good friend the best you can do is listen and support the decisions she makes for her life.

I was in denial for the longest time that my husband and father to my children was cheating on me. I totally get nacho's frustration with her friend. Everyone knew, but me; I really knew, but couldn't face it until my mind was ready. I think nacho's friend knows she should kick the guy to the curb, but for whatever the reasons, she has not done it.

 

[ginwoman]

It was not until my friend saw her "boyfriend" with another woman that her eyes opened. It broke her heart but she finally let go.

 

[vraiblonde]

I believe when people are enablers, they are actually passively aggressively controlling. They get some kind of (dysfunctional) satisfaction from being "needed". It's a power that they might not have over someone who has more on the ball.

Very nice

Caretaker Syndrome, and there's a lot of that going around. Those relationships are absolutely draining and the person you are giving so much to and doing so much for will eventually grow to resent you and maul you like a rabid pitbull.

I find these relationships fascinating and it amazes me how long people will hang onto them.

 

[ZARA]

I was in denial for the longest time that my husband and father to my children was cheating on me. I totally get nacho's frustration with her friend. Everyone knew, but me; I really knew, but couldn't face it until my mind was ready. I think nacho's friend knows she should kick the guy to the curb, but for whatever the reasons, she has not done it.

Yep, you are preaching to the choir. I am speaking from personal experience and my best friend supported me on every decision even when she didn’t agree. Afterwards I asked her why and her reply, “Because I love you. It’s your life and my job is to be there for you not make decisions for you.”

 

[vraiblonde]

Yep, you are preaching to the choir. I am speaking from personal experience and my best friend supported me on every decision even when she didn’t agree. Afterwards I asked her why and her reply, “Because I love you. It’s your life and my job is to be there for you not make decisions for you.”

I disagree. I think a real friend's job is to tell you what they really think instead of blowing sunshine to your face, then gossiping and criticizing behind your back. They are not "making decisions", just giving you a different perspective when you are all wrapped around your own axle.

Then if you go back and complain to them a second time about the same problem, they can simply say, "I already told you what I think about that."

 

[BadGirl]

As a good friend the best you can do is listen and support the decisions she makes for her life.

That's crap.

A good friend will be honest with her and tell her that she's being an idiot.

 

[ZARA]

That's crap.

A good friend will be honest with her and tell her that she's being an idiot.

I didn't say a friend would lie. I said a friend would be supportive. Huge difference.

Trying to talk someone into doing what you think they should do with their lives is not being supportive and that's obviously not working or the OP wouldn't have come here in the first place.

Showing negativity to a friend when they decide something that one deems ignorant/stupid will eventually end in the loss of the friendship if it continues.

Perfect example- Scenario I mentioned above, I had 2 close friends, one abhorently against the person I loved. The other more concerned with my personal happiness. Guess which friend I still have and which one I told to go F* off.

Bottom line- her life her decision. Offering advice is a good thing, being pushy about it is not.

P.S. I married the man one "friend" hated and thought didn't treat me right. I chose correctly.