Question for a friend

[HollowSoul]

OK....here is the query,
A friend of mine is a single mom, and she works ALOT, we will call her AMY...
Now, since Amy works alot, her daughter....we will call her Melissa, Melissa spends her time while Amy is at work with her grandparents.
There are a couple Q's about this so bear with me as i try to explain....
Amy has decided that since she works alot, that it would be in Melissa's best interest if she didn't go out on dates or anything, she feels that the time spent trying to build a relationship with another man is time wasted that should be spent with Melissa.
Amy also believes that Melissa's granpa, is more that enough "father figure" for her and that since the grandpa is allways there....then there isn't a need for another man in her daughters life....


Now...i could be wrong, but it has allways been my belief that there should allways be a family setting when trying to raise a child...that there should be a mother....and father...
Ultimately.....it's Amy's responsibilit to raise Melissa the best way she can, there is allways the chance that if Amy does decide to date someone....and then ultimately build a relation ship....that id doesnt work out...that not only is Amy's heart broken.....but Melissa's as well, because we all know how fragile a childs heart is....
So the Q's are........
Would you allow yourself to take the chance....of never finding a comanion for you and your child in liew of getting hurt in the process......
or would you rather say alone....and raise your child by yourself......and never feel love from anyone.....



Thanx for reading....and your input will be greatly appreciated...
HS......

 

[Oz]

I'm all for getting laid, but this Amy chick sounds like a keeper.

She has her priorities in order. She probably should do some dating and going out with friends while her daughter is with her grandparents, just so she has some time for herself too. And I mean dating socially -- not being involved with a man physically. Over time (years, not weeks or months,) she can see where that leads. This will allow her to weed through the jerkoffs before bringing them anywhere near her daughter.

She's not raising the child by herself, but rather with her parents. Her father is a fine father figure, to have raised a daughter who has her priorities so in order. I don't know how old this girl is, but she has it together.

The best thing you can do is forget about getting into her pants right now. The best thing you can do is to be her friend, and be satisfied with that/. If you can't be happy that way, then move on. If you're her friend, then when she's ready, you'll be right there. It works - you just have to be cool and respectfully honor her wishes right now.

 

[HollowSoul]

im not trying to get in her pants
We both just had questions on the subject and she doesnt awnt to post asking for herself....
Yes i know that she is a good mom.....and ultimately a keeper....
Just looking for a lil light on the subject..thats all

 

[Shutterbug]

I agree with Oz's statement, "She has her priorities in order. She probably should do some dating and going out with friends while her daughter is with her grandparents, just so she has some time for herself too. And I mean dating socially -- not being involved with a man physically. Over time (years, not weeks or months,) she can see where that leads. This will allow her to weed through the jerkoffs before bringing them anywhere near her daughter."

What's in Amy's best interests? Shouldn't she be happy, too? By not dating at all to make her daughter happy, she might resent that in the long run.

Of course, I don't have any children, so what do I know.

 

[Oz]

im not trying to get in her pants

That statement goes against nature. There isn't a chick on earth that a guy spends his time with (ie. friend) that, given the right moment, the guy wouldn't wouldn't show her a nice sweaty time... It may not be your goal at the moment, but... (Unless you've already been there...)

Seriously though, I think she needs to have some time to be herself while her daughter is in someone elses care, but generally, I think she has a good grip on the situation, and will relax about that as time passes.

Other important details you forgot to mention, how old she is, how old her daughter is, how long its been since her breakup, and how long she was with the father of her baby. All would be factors in giving good advice...

Bottom line is that the way she feels about her situation is what is right for her.

 

[HollowSoul]

That statement goes against nature. There isn't a chick on earth that a guy spends his time with (ie. friend) that, given the right moment, the guy wouldn't wouldn't show her a nice sweaty time... It may not be your goal at the moment, but... (Unless you've already been there...)

Seriously though, I think she needs to have some time to be herself while her daughter is in someone elses care, but generally, I think she has a good grip on the situation, and will relax about that as time passes.

Other important details you forgot to mention, how old she is, how old her daughter is, how long its been since her breakup, and how long she was with the father of her baby. All would be factors in giving good advice...

Bottom line is that the way she feels about her situation is what is right for her.

she is 35......daughter is not in school yet.....and the bio father has never been in the picture

 

[Oz]

she is 35......daughter is not in school yet.....and the bio father has never been in the picture

Yup! At 35, she definitely knows what's best for her... Sounds like she has a good family to support her, and she's really got it together.

There are two good situations for a single mom and dating. Either the father is out of the picture completely, or the father is involved with the child, and totally over the mom.

With a child that young, she has to be extremely careful. Dating should be totally removed from the child. Men have to be prepared to prove themself to her as a friend first, and then as a potential partner in the future, or they are not worthy of her time. She should occasionally go out with girlfriends, or groups, just to retain her own identity. But dating and looking for a father figure as you suggested, probably wouldn't turn up anything but trouble...

 

[RoseRed]

I agree with Oz. She sounds like she has her chit together and that her daughter is Numero Uno.

I too have a young daughter and am no longer with her father. He is VERY much a part of her life. When I have her for "my" weekend, I stay home with her. When she is with him for "his" weekend, I then go out with friends and have "my" time.

I haven't dated and am not really looking for anyone in particular either. I am a loner and enjoy my time to myself (with or without daughter). If someone pique's my interest, I may consider it, if not, no big deal. My daughter is my main priority at this point in my life.

 

[vraiblonde]

HS, I don't think I understand the question. The phrase that caught my eye was "Amy works alot". So if she works a lot, it makes sense that she wants to spend what little free time she has with her child and not chasing after some dumb guy. it doesn't sound like she's "preventing heartache" or just being stoic. It sounds like what you described - very little free time, wants to spend it with the kid, end of story.

:shrug:

Plus she's 35 years old - not some young girl who wants to party down and shirk their responsibility so they can get laid. She's probably put a lot of that behind her by now.

 

[HollowSoul]

true....very true....she has her poop in a group so to speak......
but the mindset she has is that she doesn plan on making time fo anything, she is prepared to spend all of her days just being alone with her daughter, which i kinda agree/disagree with..
its my opinion that every child should have a daddy figure.....and i understand that she doesnt have much time to "feel out the losers" so to speak....
am i wrong for thinking that Melissa should have the ability to benifit the company of a daddy figure...or is raising a child with ony 1 parent good enough these days..
I was fortunate enough to go through childhood with both parents available.....to have one of them out of the picture is something i cant fathom

 

[RoseRed]

but the mindset she has is that she doesn plan on making time fo anything, she is prepared to spend all of her days just being alone with her daughter

Do you have any children? If so, and they lived with you, would you feel differently?

 

[sweetpea]

OK....here is the query,
A friend of mine is a single mom, and she works ALOT, we will call her AMY...
Now, since Amy works alot, her daughter....we will call her Melissa, Melissa spends her time while Amy is at work with her grandparents.
There are a couple Q's about this so bear with me as i try to explain....
Amy has decided that since she works alot, that it would be in Melissa's best interest if she didn't go out on dates or anything, she feels that the time spent trying to build a relationship with another man is time wasted that should be spent with Melissa.
Amy also believes that Melissa's granpa, is more that enough "father figure" for her and that since the grandpa is allways there....then there isn't a need for another man in her daughters life....


Now...i could be wrong, but it has allways been my belief that there should allways be a family setting when trying to raise a child...that there should be a mother....and father...
Ultimately.....it's Amy's responsibilit to raise Melissa the best way she can, there is allways the chance that if Amy does decide to date someone....and then ultimately build a relation ship....that id doesnt work out...that not only is Amy's heart broken.....but Melissa's as well, because we all know how fragile a childs heart is....
So the Q's are........
Would you allow yourself to take the chance....of never finding a comanion for you and your child in liew of getting hurt in the process......
or would you rather say alone....and raise your child by yourself......and never feel love from anyone.....



Thanx for reading....and your input will be greatly appreciated...
HS......

What is wrong w/ a woman wanting to be a good mother...
I am afraid that is a dying breed nowadays and that if more woman put there children first there would be a lot more happy children out there.
I too am a single mother w/ a 4 year old and i only have one night a week to offer. That has caused big problems in the dating world along w/ the fact that i do not bring men to my home(not that i date much)and i will not stay the night at there house. Being that she is w/ my parents next door the first thing she does when she gets up is look for me. And i sure as he11 wont allow them to stay the night. I dont think she needs to see some man in my bed. Knowing her she would probably tell him to get out of her spot. I did have a boyfriend bout 2 years ago and all he wanted to do was push things too effin fast. Yes a child should be raised w/both a mother and a father, but that is not always possible.

I do honestly believe if a child feels loved,wanted, and secure they will be okay.

 

[HollowSoul]

Do you have any children? If so, and they lived with you, would you feel differently?

yes i do have a daughter.....and unfortunately she doesnt live with me...one of the disadvantages of being in the military.....but..
if lets say...she was with me full time...and i was a single father...yes i would spend as much time with her as possible.....and no i wouldnt cut myself off of the outside world.
I would want her to have a mother figure.....
I would make it perfectly clear that my daughter was the main priority in my life and that it is a package deal.....I would make some time to "date" but wouldnt sacrifice all my time for that purpose..

 

[vraiblonde]

but the mindset she has is that she doesn plan on making time fo anything

If the right guy came along, she'd change her mind. She just doesn't want to waste her time with the toy boys.

its my opinion that every child should have a daddy figure

Melissa DOES have a daddy figure - her grandfather. You know, HS, any guy that Amy dates isn't going to be Melissa's "daddy". He's just going to be some guy her Mom dates.

I think it's infinitely preferable for Amy to snub dating than to hook up with some loser so her daughter will have a "daddy". Or are you auditioning for that role and that's what this is all about?

 

[HollowSoul]

hmmmm......ok.......i guess i just didnt realize that my thought process was that out of whack...

 

[RoseRed]

Melissa DOES have a daddy figure - her grandfather. You know, HS, any guy that Amy dates isn't going to be Melissa's "daddy". He's just going to be some guy her Mom dates.

I think it's infinitely preferable for Amy to snub dating than to hook up with some loser so her daughter will have a "daddy". Or are you auditioning for that role and that's what this is all about?

TY.

I would have piped up sooner, but I was on the phone with my chicklet...

 

[HollowSoul]

If the right guy came along, she'd change her mind. She just doesn't want to waste her time with the toy boys.


Melissa DOES have a daddy figure - her grandfather. You know, HS, any guy that Amy dates isn't going to be Melissa's "daddy". He's just going to be some guy her Mom dates.

I think it's infinitely preferable for Amy to snub dating than to hook up with some loser so her daughter will have a "daddy". Or are you auditioning for that role and that's what this is all about?

if i was auditioning for the role, im pretty sure fom previous postings that she would come to the conclusion that i wouldnt be worth the effort

 

[Pete]

if i was auditioning for the role, im pretty sure fom previous postings that she would come to the conclusion that i wouldnt be worth the effort

Probably why she told you this story about not having time to date.


Anyone hear Teri Clark music?

 

[HollowSoul]

Probably why she told you this story about not having time to date.


Anyone hear Teri Clark music?

thanks pete good to know i can always count on you to put things into perspective

 

[Nickel]

I think it's wonderfully admirable that she is setting her social life aside for her child's sake. There are too many single (and married for that matter) moms who do nothing but nurture their "partying side" and pawn their kids off on other people.