Random Humor
- Thread starter Kyle
- Start date
For the love of God, Why did I look back in this thread????
As friendly as this guy?
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Grumpy
Well-Known Member
Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one; a reassurance to those of us who fly routinely in our jobs. After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS ' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tire. *
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft. *
P: Something loose in cockpit S: Something tightened in cockpit *
P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on back-order. *
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent. S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. *
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed. *
P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume set to more believable level. *
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That's what friction locks are for. *
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. *
P: Suspected crack in windshield. S: Suspect you're right. *
P: Number 3 engine missing. S: Engine found on right wing after brief search *
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!) S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious. *
P: Target radar hums. S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics. *
P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed. *
And the best one for last * P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. S: Took hammer away from midget.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS ' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tire. *
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft. *
P: Something loose in cockpit S: Something tightened in cockpit *
P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on back-order. *
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent. S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. *
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed. *
P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume set to more believable level. *
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That's what friction locks are for. *
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. *
P: Suspected crack in windshield. S: Suspect you're right. *
P: Number 3 engine missing. S: Engine found on right wing after brief search *
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!) S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious. *
P: Target radar hums. S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics. *
P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed. *
And the best one for last * P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. S: Took hammer away from midget.
old one...
The Saturday Night Joke
Are you a Democrat, a Republican or a Southerner?
The answer can be found by posing the following question:
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.
Suddenly, a terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams "Allah ho akhbar!", raises the knife, and charges at you...
You are carrying a Kimber 1911 .45 ACP, and you are an expert shot.
You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.
What do you do?
THINK CAREFULLY AND
THEN SCROLL DOWN:
Democrat's Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
What is a Kimber 1911.45 ACP?
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Is he really a terrorist? Am I guilty of profiling?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the pistol have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have paint & weed day.
Can we make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.
This is all so confusing!
............ .......... ........ ..... ......... ....... ........ ........ .
Republican's Answer:
BANG!
............ ....... ...... ........ ......... ........ .......... ....
Southerner's Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG ! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click..... (Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!BANG!BANG!
Click
Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy!'
'Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?!
Son: 'Can I shoot the next one?!'
Wife: You are not taking that to the Taxidermist!
The Saturday Night Joke
Are you a Democrat, a Republican or a Southerner?
The answer can be found by posing the following question:
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.
Suddenly, a terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams "Allah ho akhbar!", raises the knife, and charges at you...
You are carrying a Kimber 1911 .45 ACP, and you are an expert shot.
You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.
What do you do?
THINK CAREFULLY AND
THEN SCROLL DOWN:
Democrat's Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
What is a Kimber 1911.45 ACP?
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Is he really a terrorist? Am I guilty of profiling?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the pistol have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have paint & weed day.
Can we make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.
This is all so confusing!
............ .......... ........ ..... ......... ....... ........ ........ .
Republican's Answer:
BANG!
............ ....... ...... ........ ......... ........ .......... ....
Southerner's Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG ! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click..... (Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!BANG!BANG!
Click
Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy!'
'Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?!
Son: 'Can I shoot the next one?!'
Wife: You are not taking that to the Taxidermist!
