Maybe after I'm done reading "The Gnostic Origins of Calvinism" by Ken Johnson, Th.D.
I've been praying about you. I'll admit, I haven't prayed for you until just this instance, but I have been praying about you.
I've been asking for words to say to you. This morning these words came to give to you. Let me tell you a little story I told my Children's Sunday School. I've shared this story on these forums before.
I used to have a home in Lothian. I had a lot of gardens in my yard there. I enjoyed working in the gardens, weeding them and turning the soil to keep it soft. As I worked in the gardens, it gave me time to think about things that were going on in my life. It gave me time to work things out.
One day I was working in the shade garden and I was particularly troubled about something. I don't remember now what the problem was, but at the time it was really troubling me. Suddenly I realized that while I was working the soil, I was saying out loud "Oh man... Oh man... Oh man." That's when I realized I should be saying "Oh God" instead of "Oh man". I stopped what I was doing and prayed about the problem. The reason I don't remember now what the problem was.... I gave it to God to handle.
I see you quoting books and scholars. I've looked up a lot of the verses you use and the majority are out of context. Your intentions may be pure but your study is skewed. Sure I like Charles Stanley and many other good preachers but I always go back to my Bible. I look up the verses they refer to and study them in context.
I had the same problems you are having before I got my hands on an interpretation of the Bible I could understand. Preachers were telling me one thing and another but until I could read the Bible for myself, none of it made any sense.
I think, Chuckt, you need to stop reading the supporting [or conflicting] books and go back to the Bible itself. Yes I know there are other books that were not included in the Bible... and yes maybe you should read them when you have the opportunity. I intend to read them when I get the opportunity.... but you seem to need to go back to the Bible and just read it from cover to cover..... read the story.... see what the story is all about before allowing yourself to be led by professors, friends, and others.
Ask the Lord to send the Holy Spirit to help you read it. If you ask, the Holy Spirit will help much more than study notes and professors. God is the author of the original story and He will interpret it for you. I'm sure if you were to ask Charles Stanley, he would agree.
Get out of the other books and get into the Bible.... then you will see.
It's a great book. It's much better than Gone with the Wind or Moby Dick. It's been around longer and it's sold more copies.