Still deressed and still in pain

[craberta]

Sucks to be me, this won't end. I have weaned off all meds and hope that add meds wil help. I really want to go to college,but i may be too disorganised. and to old to get help from the college.

 

[morningbell]

Sucks to be me, this won't end. I have weaned off all meds and hope that add meds wil help. I really want to go to college,but i may be too disorganised. and to old to get help from the college.

NO

You are never too old, you can do it, make it a goal and go for it. Start small, baby goals grow up to be big goals.


Craberts, if you could be anything, I mean ANYTHING in the world, what would you be?

 

[morningbell]

Sucks to be me, this won't end. I have weaned off all meds and hope that add meds wil help. I really want to go to college,but i may be too disorganised. and to old to get help from the college.

BTW, Rx sucks. I took steroids for pain, I had never been so depressed in my LIFE! I layed in bed all day, cry for most of it. It was dumb. Exercise, swimming and walking are excellent for reducing pain, so is sex, lots of grade a quality humpin.

 

[craberta]

Yeah I have been running around alot, walking alot, and it does help, but I am so haunted by the past, and I stifeld the pain of y past for so long, it is hurting now, now that my kids are grown and I have had time to realise so many things at once, I feel like I have been slapped, and like I have to do whatever it takes to not let it kill me, my spirit, or let my hubby down.

 

[morningbell]

Yeah I have been running around alot, walking alot, and it does help, but I am so haunted by the past, and I stifeld the pain of y past for so long, it is hurting now, now that my kids are grown and I have had time to realise so many things at once, I feel like I have been slapped, and like I have to do whatever it takes to not let it kill me, my spirit, or let my hubby down.

We all have shiat that weighs us down at times and I swear to you, I swear that it is all temporary. Everything is temporary, nothing is forever, good and bad.

 

[Inkpen]

Not sure what your pain is..but about being old...
I went to college as an adult..age 40 something...cancer survivor ( ovarian) and with multipule pieces of metal implants...back, knees, etc.

Disabled Vietnam vet with nasty PTSD...will always have ghosts visit me..like now...just break down and cry and this fricken cloud passes over..and I am afraid to sleep.....afraid to finish theraphy because fo the pain I know is there..so I am here..at 2 am...

Great reason to be a rehabber and work with animals..they dont feel my tears or can they read the clock...!!

Anyway, went to college, got help and graduated with a 3.8GPH.
Fooled me! Had no idea I could do that!!!
Went on and and am working on second degree..why? no reason..just like to learn now and I know I can do it.

Hang in there....college will help you moe than you know and there are so many neat adventures out there..

And physical pain..I live with it 24/7.
I take Tramadol for pain..non addictive..knocks the pain from a 7-8 to a manageable 5-6. I recommend it!!!

I walk and one leg is nothing but bone rubbing on bare bone and the pain is *#$$*^!@#^!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Waiting for winter to get a whole new knee!!!!

Hang in there and know that you are not alone here...
Someone can releate to you to some degree and understand.

hang in there...

 

[morningbell]

Not sure what your pain is..but about being old...
I went to college as an adult..age 40 something...cancer survivor ( ovarian) and with multipule pieces of metal implants...back, knees, etc.

Disabled Vietnam vet with nasty PTSD...will always have ghosts visit me..like now...just break down and cry and this fricken cloud passes over..and I am afraid to sleep.....afraid to finish theraphy because fo the pain I know is there..so I am here..at 2 am...

Great reason to be a rehabber and work with animals..they dont feel my tears or can they read the clock...!!

Anyway, went to college, got help and graduated with a 3.8GPH.
Fooled me! Had no idea I could do that!!!
Went on and and am working on second degree..why? no reason..just like to learn now and I know I can do it.

Hang in there....college will help you moe than you know and there are so many neat adventures out there..

And physical pain..I live with it 24/7.
I take Tramadol for pain..non addictive..knocks the pain from a 7-8 to a manageable 5-6. I recommend it!!!

I walk and one leg is nothing but bone rubbing on bare bone and the pain is *#$$*^!@#^!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Waiting for winter to get a whole new knee!!!!

Hang in there and know that you are not alone here...
Someone can releate to you to some degree and understand.

hang in there...

You are amazing!

 

[craberta]

God, I hope so, cause I need to move on, I need to forget, and get on with my life. I do beleive in ghosts cause my parents and their stupidity and ignorance haunt me to this very minute. The damage parents cause to kids is forever. I am paying for sins that were comited by people I never met. And I concentrated so hard on stopping the buck with me, my kids have no idea what it is like to be abused. I completely ignolred myself. So, I drink alone, cry alone, suffer alone.

 

[Inkpen]

You are amazing!

Thank you...but not really.....just have a lot of friend who would not let me quit...and at times the dark got so bad, I wanted to....but friends stuck by me.

Now life is better and I only get one shot at this ride...and I got a ticket and am not getting off until the end!!...WWEeeeeeeeeeee

 

[Inkpen]

God, I hope so, cause I need to move on, I need to forget, and get on with my life. I do beleive in ghosts cause my parents and their stupidity and ignorance haunt me to this very minute. The damage parents cause to kids is forever. I am paying for sins that were comited by people I never met. And I concentrated so hard on stopping the buck with me, my kids have no idea what it is like to be abused. I completely ignolred myself. So, I drink alone, cry alone, suffer alone.

You are never alone...and you can make peace with past and move on.
You will never find any answers in the botom of a bottle!
find your friends, find hope and you will find the path to freedom!!
I have doen it..took a lot of work...but am finally at peace with a woman who used me as a whipping post/punching bag. Abuse from a mentally ill parent is such a horrible thing to figure out and escape from.
But she can not longer hurt me, no one can.

Like Eleanor Rooseavelt said..."No one can make you feel inferior without your permission.!!"

No one can hurt you without your permission ...so dont give them the power over you to control your life.

 

[morningbell]

God, I hope so, cause I need to move on, I need to forget, and get on with my life. I do beleive in ghosts cause my parents and their stupidity and ignorance haunt me to this very minute. The damage parents cause to kids is forever. I am paying for sins that were comited by people I never met. And I concentrated so hard on stopping the buck with me, my kids have no idea what it is like to be abused. I completely ignolred myself. So, I drink alone, cry alone, suffer alone.

I've been there and you can only be bitter for so long until it eats at the very core of you and starts to break down who you truly are. Yes parents can really eff up a kid but just because they are your parents they aren't perfect even at the hands of an abuser. This I know. And it sucks, it effin sucks that the people you look up to, the ones that are supposed to keep you safe cut your saftey net and watch you fall hard. Perhaps they really didn't know what to do, perhaps they lost control and couldn't take it back, perhaps they went to far and though it was too late, they blame themselves and now they must live with that. They need help too.

Don't ignore it, as much as you have it will take some time to heal and believe me we are all healing everyday, even on the good days. Its good to know there is solace in this world, little pokcets of it through the shiat storms.

 

[morningbell]

You are never alone...and you can make peace with past and move on.
You will never find any answers in the botom of a bottle!
find your friends, find hope and you will find the path to freedom!!
I have doen it..took a lot of work...but am finally at peace with a woman who used me as a whipping post/punching bag. Abuse from a mentally ill parent is such a horrible thing to figure out and escape from.
But she can not longer hurt me, no one can.

Like Eleanor Rooseavelt said..."No one can make you feel inferior without your permission.!!"

No one can hurt you without your permission ...so dont give them the power over you to control your life.

 

[craberta]

I will try to remember that, next time someone tries to make me feel stupid, wich happens alot to me. People think that I am inferior to them, I am mexican, I have dark hair and an indian face, a slight accent, and they automatically think stupid wet back, but the truth is, I love america, would gladly serve, and try my best to be a good citizen. I plan to let my grandkids know that it is a blessing to be here. I have to be honest though, this emotional pain is si palpable, so present, and constant. And as many times I have been told to get over it, its not that easy. The things that were done to me and my sister, were so horrible, that I almost lose it when I try ti think of it. I have been in therapy for years, and still can't seem to vocalize it. I think maybe if I tell my mother everything, I might feel better, but she would deny t all, ignore it all, and I can't honestly say that I would not think of punching her in the face.

 

[morningbell]

I will try to remember that, next time someone tries to make me feel stupid, wich happens alot to me. People think that I am inferior to them, I am mexican, I have dark hair and an indian face, a slight accent, and they automatically think stupid wet back, but the truth is, I love america, would gladly serve, and try my best to be a good citizen. I plan to let my grandkids know that it is a blessing to be here. I have to be honest though, this emotional pain is si palpable, so present, and constant. And as many times I have been told to get over it, its not that easy. The things that were done to me and my sister, were so horrible, that I almost lose it when I try ti think of it. I have been in therapy for years, and still can't seem to vocalize it. I think maybe if I tell my mother everything, I might feel better, but she would deny t all, ignore it all, and I can't honestly say that I would not think of punching her in the face.

You are beautiful, my BF, his mommy is Columbian and while his Dad's family had been in S. Cali for decades, they are all Mexican. You have gorgeous hair and a beautiful face! I want to kiss it! I love your accent, I tend to talk with a hispanic accent at times, especially when I talk to his mama.

Eff all the nay sayers, they don't feel good about themselves, so inferior they are in this world, they don't know what matters.

People, I mean idiots that say get over it, have either never been there OR they have been there and they just don't want to touch on or think of touching on your pain because its too hard to revisit such hurt.


Telling your mother.... I told my father what his decision had done to me, what they have cost me in my life and now he pays, it hurts him to talk to me. I don't really call him for anything, even if its good news. You should tell your mom, let her know, in detail, she knows deep down and ignores it, with that she cries alone too.

I'm not trying to say its ok for whatever they did to you but something may have happened to your parents that made them hurt you. When it happened to me my dad was courting my step-monster and left me in the hands of danger. Dad turned a blind eye to the series of events that happened for years to follow and while it not only happened to me, it happened to my sister.

The next time you find yourself in that downward shiat spiral know that the abuse has stopped and even though the memory still haunts, the abuse will happen no more. The next is healing, with every breath. You are loved and nothing can take that feeling.

I have this book, self help book that is on my shelf, I have read a few pages into the first section and can't go any further. I can't open it because it may ruin my good feeling for the day or week. I am scared also, scared revisit feelings that are so dark that I can't see the light at the end. That light is there, I have faith in that.

Our scars are on the inside, at times they open just like the storm clouds, pour down all over everything we know. It doesn't matter who or what, tears flow directly from the river of our souls.

 

[craberta]

Yeah, I can't handle seeing shows or news stories about kids who are abused or neglected, I almost lose it. If people knew how much pain this caused to kids, I wonder if they would stop themselves from even having kids. I think it selfish to make kids pay for the sins of the past. I just hate ignorance, and whenever I meet anyone, or read threads here on somd online, I assume that a person has suffered as a kid. I try to be kind to them. I wear my hert on my sleave, and I feel terrible for those that can't. I beleive we are all just children in this world, no matter how old. Darn, my alchohol is wearing off. I have to go to bed now. I think I am going to write my mother a letter this week. I have not contacted her since 1992. She needs to know how I feel, and don't feel about her.

 

[morningbell]

Thats a good start.


Good Night Pussy Cat, wooooo-oooo-oooo!

 

[BOP]

Not sure what your pain is..but about being old...
I went to college as an adult..age 40 something...cancer survivor ( ovarian) and with multipule pieces of metal implants...back, knees, etc.

Disabled Vietnam vet with nasty PTSD...will always have ghosts visit me..like now...just break down and cry and this fricken cloud passes over..and I am afraid to sleep.....afraid to finish theraphy because fo the pain I know is there..so I am here..at 2 am...

Great reason to be a rehabber and work with animals..they dont feel my tears or can they read the clock...!!

Anyway, went to college, got help and graduated with a 3.8GPH.
Fooled me! Had no idea I could do that!!!
Went on and and am working on second degree..why? no reason..just like to learn now and I know I can do it.

Hang in there....college will help you moe than you know and there are so many neat adventures out there..

And physical pain..I live with it 24/7.
I take Tramadol for pain..non addictive..knocks the pain from a 7-8 to a manageable 5-6. I recommend it!!!

I walk and one leg is nothing but bone rubbing on bare bone and the pain is *#$$*^!@#^!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Waiting for winter to get a whole new knee!!!!

Hang in there and know that you are not alone here...
Someone can releate to you to some degree and understand.

hang in there...

Welcome home. Thank you for your service.

Look for someone who does EMDR (google it). An excellent practitioner did more for me in a year than all the other work put together. Of course, it could be cumulative effect, along with AA (19 yrs last month).

Joined the Navy, saw the world, visited strange and exotic lands...you know the drill.

Went to community college on the 5 yr plan...borrowed the money and finished my 4-year @ age 44. Class of '99.

Not sure about the happy, joyous and free thing, but I have a good wife, good kids (having their own kids now), a good job, my own house (yay, mortgage and bills!), cars, ect. Long ways from living on the street. Every day above ground is a good day. Been alive at least 36 years longer than I probably should have been, so it's all good.

To the OP: you have to let the past be the past. You can't change it; the only thing you can do is not repeat the mistakes. Make new mistakes; it shows you're alive and actually doing something. Crusty old 1st class airframe mechanic told me that many years ago.

Your life isn't going to get better on its own; you have to work at it. But you know that. Sometimes we have to have somebody else give us permission to do what we know we have to do. Find that person. When the student is ready, the master shall appear.

Best of luck.

 

[BOP]

I will try to remember that, next time someone tries to make me feel stupid, wich happens alot to me. People think that I am inferior to them, I am mexican, I have dark hair and an indian face, a slight accent, and they automatically think stupid wet back, but the truth is, I love america, would gladly serve, and try my best to be a good citizen. I plan to let my grandkids know that it is a blessing to be here. I have to be honest though, this emotional pain is si palpable, so present, and constant. And as many times I have been told to get over it, its not that easy. The things that were done to me and my sister, were so horrible, that I almost lose it when I try ti think of it. I have been in therapy for years, and still can't seem to vocalize it. I think maybe if I tell my mother everything, I might feel better, but she would deny t all, ignore it all, and I can't honestly say that I would not think of punching her in the face.

If you like to read, I'd highly recommend Sandra Cisneros. You might want to start with "Woman Hollering Creek," but almost anywhere with her is a good start.

She's a helluv an author; I think you'll enjoy her.

Write the letter, don't send it. It's okay to feel like you want to beat her brains out. Part of the healing process is allowing yourself to revert to the reactionary, the way a child would feel. You're not a bad person for feeling the way you feel. You're a good person for not allowing yourself to cross the boundary into to inappropriate behavior.

 

[Mousebaby]

Craberta I just wanted to tell you about my sister. She has been near death only a few years ago. Somehow the doctors finally figured out what was going on and they have all but healed her. Now at 48 yrs. old she is attending Nursing school and is passing with flying colors!! So college can be done at any age. You are never to old to learn. Learning is wonderful, it invigorates me to no end! Good luck in your choices. I have a feeling you have a whole bunch of us here to help you along the way!

 

[bcp]

I will try to remember that, next time someone tries to make me feel stupid, wich happens alot to me. People think that I am inferior to them, I am mexican, I have dark hair and an indian face, a slight accent, and they automatically think stupid wet back, but the truth is, I love america, would gladly serve, and try my best to be a good citizen. I plan to let my grandkids know that it is a blessing to be here. I have to be honest though, this emotional pain is si palpable, so present, and constant. And as many times I have been told to get over it, its not that easy. The things that were done to me and my sister, were so horrible, that I almost lose it when I try ti think of it. I have been in therapy for years, and still can't seem to vocalize it. I think maybe if I tell my mother everything, I might feel better, but she would deny t all, ignore it all, and I can't honestly say that I would not think of punching her in the face.

easiest way to feel smart is to make those around you feel dumb.

sorta like that one really heavy girl that always seems to be hanging with the swimsuit models at the bar.

Go to college, get the degree, then throw a big graduation party that we can all come to .