Taking the first step towards the Big D

[T-45guy]

I'd like to ping folks, especially those married, to see how they feel, about staying together when they clearly see the marrige slowly desolving....growing apart...what would you do if you had kids...young kids, and the marriage was "tolerable"...? When there's a lot of money involved...

Would you stay together for the kids and the lifestyle for which you've become accustomed? Assume councelling is out of the question.

Batter up!!!!

 

[RoseRed]

Don't Do It For The Kids

As a product of divorce when I was 7 years old, I remember my parents having terrible fights and then being virtually ignored by my father before and after they separated.

I am fortunately in a happy marriage and have a wonderful 3 year old daughter. But... if things were really bad, I would rather separate and shield my daughter from any hate and discontent.

I don't think it's healthy for children to watch their parents have BAD fights, how can they then learn what healthy relationship is and how to handle things.

My folks have been divorced 30 years and my mom is still a total B to my father. I'm like, GET OVER IT! Thank goodness they are on different coasts!

 

[vraiblonde]

I divorced a perfectly fine man 11 years ago because I "wasn't happy". He wasn't a wife-beater or a substance abuser - I was just too young and immature to handle his high-travel career, which led to his philandering and my wanting to run off and "find myself". If I had it to do over again, I'd still divorce him because I'm very happy now and my husband is my true soulmate. BUT if I'd have been older and more mature, I wouldn't have divorced the ex because I wouldn't have known what I was missing. Does that make sense?

I think the effort should be made to stay together and work it out. But if you've given it all you've got and it's still bad, divorce makes sense to me. Kids pick up on hostility between Mom and Dad and I think it's healthier for kids to grow up in a stable, loving environment with happy parents, rather than a battle zone.

 

[bknarw]

In spite of what may be running through your head at this point, divorces suck. They suck worse than anything.
Do everything in your power, as is humanly possible, to save your marriage.
If you just "think" you may want one, but aren't sure and the grass looks a little greener, you'll regret it if you go through with it. At all costs, try to save the marriage!

 

[SxyPrincess]

I'm not married, never been married and don't plan on getting married for quite some time but I'm gonna throw in my 2-cents anyhow.

I do believe there is a chance for reconciliation after a marriage has hit a bump in the road. If both parties are willing to try harder, happiness can be achieved.

However, I feel that once a person falls out of love with his/her spouse, it takes a lot to regain the love and bring the marriage back to a solid relationship.

I would rather my husband be happy with someone else, than unhappy and miserable with me.

 

[pixiegirl]

I'll be 23 next month, have a 6 month old baby and am in the middle of divorce. There was nothing in this world, money, family, everyone else's opinion, etc that could have made me stay with my husband. He wasn't some monster or anything, a huge jacka$$ yes but he didn't cheat on me or beat me or anything. I left for my son. I wasn't happy in my marriage and knew that as a result I would end up being less of a parent then I wanted to be. IMO you can't really be a effective parent and give your child the love and attention that he/she needs if deep down inside you're not happy. In my case, being so young also had a lot to do with it. I'd like to have a family one day, I'd like for my son to have brothers and sisters and after having one child by my husband I knew I didn't want to do that with him. I honestly feel like I am a much better mother now then I was before I left my husband, I can focus my attention on my son instead of the drama between my ex and I. I'm a much happier/healthier person in general which I feel makes me better for my son to be around. Even though my son is very young I believe that children pick up on much more then we give them credit for. The last thing I want is for my child to sense that I'm unhappy.

 

[Christy]

My situation was pretty much the same as Vrai's, as well as my opinion (go figure!)

Divorce is very rough on kids no matter what age they are. I'd try and make it work.

 

[T-45guy]

I too am a child of 2 divorces; at 6 and then at 18, and learning from what I witnessed, I've never shown any discontent or hostility toward my wife in the presence of my girls. I've tried working on the marriage, and even suggested councelling, but her response was "we don't need councelling, you just need to change"......and of course we all know people can't change for the sake of others

 

[SxyPrincess]

T,

I've heard those "you need to change" words. I say "you know what, you fell in love with me because of the way I am. Why would you want me to change and become a different person?"

 

[T-45guy]

truth is we've BOTH changed! She hates it here in SO MD, I love it, and I have an array of interests...she has none

 

[vraiblonde]

We're probably not the people to ask - our track record on keeping couples together isn't real hot.

Here's something to think about: kids learn to be married from watching their parents do it. If you have the kind of marriage you would wish your daughters to have, then you should stay together to set a good example for them. You can always get divorced after they grow up. If you DON'T have the kind of marriage you'd like them to emulate (abuse, ugliness, etc.), then you should either create it or go find it. But be very careful - you have two future women watching you and using you as a guage for their own husbands. They're also watching their mother to learn how to be a wife.

How full of it am I, everyone?

 

[bknarw]

Originally posted by vraiblonde
We're probably not the people to ask - our track record on keeping couples together isn't real hot.

Here's something to think about: kids learn to be married from watching their parents do it. If you have the kind of marriage you would wish your daughters to have, then you should stay together to set a good example for them. You can always get divorced after they grow up. If you DON'T have the kind of marriage you'd like them to emulate (abuse, ugliness, etc.), then you should either create it or go find it. But be very careful - you have two future women watching you and using you as a guage for their own husbands. They're also watching their mother to learn how to be a wife.

How full of it am I, everyone?

Damn, Vrai. How do you stay so well-centered?
You continuously amaze me with your posts!

I have to really agree with the first part.
Listen to her, she's right!
Then, you'll break up and be miserable, and blame it on us, and then come back and give us some "he said she said b&$$@*it" that one of us supposedly said to your sister's cousin's brother's friend, and then you'll hate each other and all of us.

So, buddy, as far as I can tell, you're completely on your own, which, actually, is how most of us handled OUR divorces back in the good ole days!

 

[RoseRed]

Originally posted by vraiblonde
Here's something to think about: kids learn to be married from watching their parents do it. If you have the kind of marriage you would wish your daughters to have, then you should stay together to set a good example for them. You can always get divorced after they grow up. If you DON'T have the kind of marriage you'd like them to emulate (abuse, ugliness, etc.), then you should either create it or go find it. But be very careful - you have two future women watching you and using you as a guage for their own husbands. They're also watching their mother to learn how to be a wife. How full of it am I, everyone?

I completely agree with you!

 

[Christy]

Vrai, I'm just just gonna start calling you Dr. Phil! You go girl!

 

[Sharon]

Marriage is something you have to work at. It's not that "happily ever after" fantasy you have on your wedding day/honeymoon. It takes two people to make it work and one/or both to destroy it. If one person quits and isn't willing to work it, the marriage will fail.

Sometimes people get married for "totally wrong" reasons. They don't really consider the long haul. They didn't discuss their future together. Maybe after the kids came along they realized that they each have very different ideologies on how to raise their kids.

Naturally some people grow and change as they get older, but some don't. I think that is where it gets rough for some people. It's okay to be different as long as the love and respect you have for each other are still there. Life is full of disappointments, no one gets everything they want. You have to overlook some things. Some days you need picking up and some days you have to be the picker upper.

First and foremost, I think you have to be a whole person; be happy and secure in yourself. If you don't know yourself, how can you pick a mate?

 

[AnonymousPenguin]

Originally posted by vraiblonde
Here's something to think about: kids learn to be married from watching their parents do it. If you have the kind of marriage you would wish your daughters to have, then you should stay together to set a good example for them. You can always get divorced after they grow up. If you DON'T have the kind of marriage you'd like them to emulate (abuse, ugliness, etc.), then you should either create it or go find it. But be very careful - you have two future women watching you and using you as a guage for their own husbands. They're also watching their mother to learn how to be a wife.

yep!

 

[Sharon]

Originally posted by T-45guy

I guess it's a matter of how much one really wants to work on a marriage in which only one wants to work. I've been in battle, and know when it's time to make a tactical withdraw, or hold ground and still it out.

For me, I've not quite reached that crossroad

I understand you to be the only one working? So is your wife happy with this and in it for the long haul? -- or is she considering "out"?

 

[Sharon]

There goes the forum ghost rearranging posts again!

 

[Beach Patrol]

Hhhhmmm... I've always heard (& tend to agree with) that the best thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother.

However, sometimes people just grow apart. Sometimes they grow to hate each other when they try to stay together for the sake of the children. I don't see that it ever works that way - resentment builds up, tempers flair, and somehow the children ALWAYS get caught in the middle. The money is a no-brainer. The children won't forget the nasties exchanged between their parents. I know I'll never forget - my parents divorced when I was 9 (should'a done it way before that) but I remember the hellacious arguments as young as 6 - my daddy putting me on his knee & asking me which parent would I rather live with if they split up (what kind of damn question is that to ask your kid?!?!)

but I digress...

If you truly believe there's no way to reconcile and counseling is outta the question - divorce may be the right answer. But I warn ya: it ain't the easy answer.

 

[T-45guy]

Originally posted by Sharon
Marriage is something you have to work at. It's not that "happily ever after" fantasy you have on your wedding day/honeymoon. It takes two people to make it work and one/or both to destroy it. If one person quits and isn't willing to work it, the marriage will fail.

Sometimes people get married for "totally wrong" reasons. They don't really consider the long haul. They didn't discuss their future together. Maybe after the kids came along they realized that they each have very different ideologies on how to raise their kids.

Naturally some people grow and change as they get older, but some don't. I think that is where it gets rough for some people. It's okay to be different as long as the love and respect you have for each other are still there. Life is full of disappointments, no one gets everything they want. You have to overlook some things. Some days you need picking up and some days you have to be the picker upper.

First and foremost, I think you have to be a whole person; be happy and secure in yourself. If you don't know yourself, how can you pick a mate?

Well, the mate picking was YEARS ago. I'm not looking to pick another mate. That's past tense. I don't know of ANYONE who's stayed the same over even the shortest period of time. We're all effected and subequently chage by people and events in our daily lives.

I guess it's a matter of how much one really wants to work on a marriage in which only one wants to work. I've been in battle, and know when it's time to make a tactical withdraw, or hold ground and still it out.

For me, I've not quite reached that crossroad