Taking the first step towards the Big D

[Sierra39]

I know I'm getting in on this conversation a day late but...

I've been in the same situation. I was with my ex for 12 years, and stayed with him for probably the last 6 years JUST for the sake of my child...If I had invested the amount of $$ I put into marriage counseling into Microsoft stock, I could have retired by now! LOL!

My daughter was witness to many terrible arguements...her father was/is verbally abusive, moody, and short-fused. By staying with him and trying to "work it out" I subjected her to a terribly unhealthy example of what a relationship is... And, at the time, he just wasn't interested in learning how to relate any differently, which was the deciding factor for me in ending the relationship.

Maybe your situation is more subtle than that; perhaps it's just a natural "lull" in the relationship, and through counseling you could "rekindle" your feelings for each other and find some healthy strategies for dealing with your issues. But if you KNOW in your heart that there is NO chance that you will ever love your wife, then it's not fair to ANY of your family to continue with the marriage "charade." Don't forget – your kids are smarter than you think, and will one day figure out that you're living a lie! And will probably resent you more for it...

Sure, the financial stuff is gonna hurt! I walked away from a brand new $200K house that we had put our entire savings into – but for the first time in years I felt that I was doing the RIGHT thing...a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. The material stuff just DOESN'T MATTER all that much, when it's a choice between a house/car/boat/stocks and your SOUL.

So good luck with your decision...and whatever you do, don't turn into one of those angry, bitter, unhappily-married/divorced guys I keep meeting when I go out!!

 

[T-45guy]

I couldn't agree more! And everyting you've typed, I've thought about a million times. Begs the old adage, "If you're not happy, how can you make someone else happy?". WHICH, by the way, is an oxymoron of sorts, since the ony person responsible for making someone happy, is that someone! Agree?

We've talked over the past several days, and we're talking more.....

One last surge! If this doesn't take it'll be time for my tacticle withdraw!

Oh, I'd miss my kids, but I'm anything but a miserable, bar fly!

 

[Guest]

I have to agree with Sierra.
I was about to do the samething a couple of months ago. My husband and I were only married a year. Some how the marriage made a complete 360* turn around. Our problem was his mother. His mother has interferred in our marriage so much. He is a momma's boy and he put his mother first before me. Lets just say that it took an car accident to make him realize what his momma was all about. Sad, but things have a way of working themselves out. Be patience and kind to each other and what ever you do don't fight in front of those kids. Remember they are the innocent ones and they don't deserve to see stuff like that. If is meant to be it will work out. Communication is the number one key to a marriage.

 

[Sierra39]

T45 – It's great to get an update on your situation...good to hear, too, that you will NOT be a bitter barfly! I agree with you that YOU are responsible for your own happiness, and I had to learn THAT one the hard way! But it's a critical concept to master in ANY relationship...

Keep talking...try to get to the heart of the problem...search for solutions...find out what BOTH of you need to make yourselves happy. If nothing else, it will give you valuable insight into YOURSELF... Like Guest's marriage, it may just be one key issue that's messing things up, and after that's dealt with, everything else will fall into place!

Keep us "posted!"