well, theres this..

Gilligan

Gilligan

#*! boat!
PREMO Member
A young man walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."
The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2012 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes." "Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well... You started it."
 
GopherM

GopherM

Darwin was right
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Kyle

Kyle

Beloved Misanthrope
PREMO Member
Schrödinger's Neighbors Say Thought Experiment Very Interesting But They Would Really Just Like A Straight Answer On Where Their Cat Is


babylonbee.com

Schrödinger's Neighbor Says Thought Experiment Very Interesting But He'd Really Just Like A Straight Answer On Where His Cat Is

VIENNA, AUSTRIA — Neighbors of physicist Erwin Schrödinger agreed that his thought experiment about the indeterminate nature of their cat being alive was super interesting and all, but asked if he could please tell them where their cat is.
babylonbee.com babylonbee.com
 
GopherM

GopherM

Darwin was right
Old folks home: The people who lived there have small apartments but they all eat at a central dining room. One morning one of the residents didn't show up for breakfast so one of the resident's wife went upstairs and knocked on his door to see if everything was OK. She could hear him through the door and he said that he was running late and would be down shortly so she went back to the dining area.
An hour later he still hadn't arrived so she went back up towards his room and she found him on the stairs. He was coming down the stairs but was having a hell of a time. He had a death grip on the hand rail and seemed to have trouble getting his legs to work right. She told him she was going to call an ambulance but he told her no, he wasn't in any pain and just wanted to have his breakfast. So she helped him the rest of the way down the stairs and he had his breakfast.
When he tried to return to his room he was completely unable to get up even the first few steps so they called an ambulance for him. A couple hours later she called the hospital to see how he was doing. The receptionist there said he was fine, he just had both of his legs in one leg of his boxer shorts.
 
Kyle

Kyle

Beloved Misanthrope
PREMO Member
Knock knock.

Who's There?

Hike.

Hike who?


Unsuspecting son.
Dad waiting with bated breath.
Sets the perfect trap.
 
Sneakers

Sneakers

Just sneakin' around....
Kyle said:
Unsuspecting son.
Dad waiting with bated breath.
Sets the perfect trap.
Click to expand...
Immediately reminded me of this poem:
www.poetryfoundation.org

The Children's Hour

They almost devour me with kisses, Their arms about me entwine, Till I think of the Bishop of Bingen In his Mouse-Tower on the Rhine! And there will I keep you forever, Yes, forever and a day, Till the walls shall crumble to ruin, And moulder in dust away!
www.poetryfoundation.org www.poetryfoundation.org

A whisper, and then a silence:
Yet I know by their merry eyes
They are plotting and planning together
To take me by surprise.
 
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