What would you do?

[bresamil]

That's a shame. How's he doing?

Same as he has been. A little jumpy. They didn't tell him until last night. The whole school was notified (we are a small close knit school).
He was so cute last week - his mom used to do hot lunch one day a week and it was a day with mac n cheese. He asked if the kids liked it because his mom's was soo much better. I think he knew in his heart.

The teacher he has is incredible for this situation. We just went through this 2 years ago with another mom - but she was very open about her illness and treatments with her kids. We even did a fundraiser for their education fund. One of the children was in this teacher's class and half the class is siblings of that class. The support structure is in place. That will be a blessing for this little boy.

 

[punjabigyrl]

I would definately tell the kids. I think they are alot stronger than we think. Also, I feel it gives them a chance to deal with the whole situation in thier own terms.

 

[migtig]

Same as he has been. A little jumpy. They didn't tell him until last night. The whole school was notified (we are a small close knit school).
He was so cute last week - his mom used to do hot lunch one day a week and it was a day with mac n cheese. He asked if the kids liked it because his mom's was soo much better. I think he knew in his heart.

The teacher he has is incredible for this situation. We just went through this 2 years ago with another mom - but she was very open about her illness and treatments with her kids. We even did a fundraiser for their education fund. One of the children was in this teacher's class and half the class is siblings of that class. The support structure is in place. That will be a blessing for this little boy.

It is tragic, however, hopefully he knows how much he was loved and cherished, and that his mother wanted to spare him her suffering.

 

[nachomama]

So he came home and had to be told she was gone forever. I think that approach is going to be very hard for him to overcome.

I agree with that. They didn't go get him from school? Did the family know that she was in the final FINAL stages? At that point, yes, the child needed to be prepared.

It seems to me that it would be a lot less scary to have Mom tell you she's very ill but is going through some treatments that might make her better, etc, etc, than to just hit them with "Mommy's dying".

That's how I've handled it with my kids. I told them that said person is sick, even said the "C" word, and that they were going to get chemo, etc., hopefully they will get better and that we have to pray. Then, as the health deteriorated, I'd tell them, there was a set back. If said person had a good day, I'd tell them that too. My kids always knew that said person could die, but I never came out and said "he has cancer, and he's gonna die," or "he only has 6 months to live."

We've been through this with grandparents and older family members, but D was the worst. He was the same age as my youngest daughter, a very close family friend and one of their classmates. That was hard to explain, how it could happen to someone so young.

On the other hand, though, we've dealt with losses due to car accidents, my daughter lost two friends within a 5 month period last year. How do you prepare a child for that? I don't know which would be worse, preparing a child for my impending death, or just not coming home from work one day.

 

[migtig]

On the other hand, though, we've dealt with losses due to car accidents, my daughter lost two friends within a 5 month period last year. How do you prepare a child for that? I don't know which would be worse, preparing a child for my impending death, or just not coming home from work one day.

I never got to say goodbye to my mother. Worst thing ever. At least with my father we had the chance to discuss a few things before he passed.

 

[kwillia]

That's how I've handled it with my kids. I told them that said person is sick, even said the "C" word, and that they were going to get chemo, etc., hopefully they will get better and that we have to pray. Then, as the health deteriorated, I'd tell them, there was a set back. If said person had a good day, I'd tell them that too. My kids always knew that said person could die, but I never came out and said "he has cancer, and he's gonna die," or "he only has 6 months to live."

That was an honest way to handle it in his case because we all had hopes that each new treatment tried on D would be the one that worked. We all had to prepare ourself that he may very well not make it, but right up until the end, we couldn't give up hope.

 

[vraiblonde]

The support structure is in place.

I'm glad to hear that. It's going to be tough for him for awhile.

 

[Pandora]

But as a mom, I'd want to get my child over the "fear". We all have to accept our mortality. I would want my child to accept even as my life nears an end, their life must go on and they must go forward. My child would not be on a "death watch" vigil at my bedside. My child would be guided to carry on a normal schedule. I believe that this would help them to get back to a normal life after I am gone rather than having the rug ripped out from under them after I am no longer there to console them.

There wasn't enough time for her to "get over” the fear at that time. My sister did go on with her life, attended school and her visits to the hospital were up to her. She really had a tough time and it is difficult to describe, even now. She would stand in the door way and was afraid to go near her.

It is difficult to know how your children are going to react or exactly what you’d do unless you’re in the situation. Just like the dying have stages they go thru, I think the loved ones go thru stages as well, like anger, fear and acceptance as well.

I’ve lost many loved ones/friends from cancer. You try to act normal around them but it is hard, most don’t, in fact many I’ve known who are now gone from cancer commented on how so-and-so hasn’t been the same around them since the news. I think it is the fear of our own immortality at any age. We are only here for a little bit, and then it is over! In a blink of an eye any one of us could be gone.

Bre,

I’m so sorry! My thoughts and prayers are with the family.

 

[Wenchy]

He was so cute last week - his mom used to do hot lunch one day a week and it was a day with mac n cheese. He asked if the kids liked it because his mom's was soo much better. I think he knew in his heart.

He knew that NOBODY'S mac-n-cheese would ever be as good as his Mommy's.

This made me cry, but what a memory for him.

 

[bresamil]

I agree with that. They didn't go get him from school? Did the family know that she was in the final FINAL stages? At that point, yes, the child needed to be prepared.
.

She was diagnosed in January and they told her it was too far gone, she wouldn't make it until Spring and that there was no treatment that could be done. I'm sure little words were said to start the preparation, that we others don't know about, but still...
I think its important to know so you can choose how to spend your last minutes with a loved one. Those minutes are a gift. To lose someone suddenly, with so much unsaid....that can be a horrible burden.

 

[watercolor]

In my opinion, being a child that wasnt told, until the last minute- is a horrible horrible thing to do to someone. Granted, I was older than the boy who just lost his mother, I had just turned 16, and was told, "your father has x amount of days". I saw him at halloween, and 2 days before christmas is when he passed. Yes, I had more time with him, in phone conversations, as he lived in cali and I was here, than this boy had been given with his mom, but my father, and my mother (who had been seperated since I was 6 mths old) both had been talking to each other for over 8 mths, about this complete ordeal.. and never told me until halloween.

I surely hope they also let him go to the funeral, which was another mistake that my parents made, as they felt it would be "better for me" not to go to the funeral. Not a good deal. As he will probably have a hard time accepting the fact that his mother is no longer "here". He will have the memories he had with her, and such- but there is a difference between actually attending the funeral, and understanding and not going to the funeral, and having the last goodbyes, unsaid. The funeral is for the living, as all know- but it is also part of the grieving period.

To this day, it is still hard on me, as I only saw him one time from the time I was told, and never again. And with not being able to go through the "process" it is harder and took a lot longer for me to grieve. Anyway- this is not about me, but I do believe that he is old enough and smart enough to understand all the circumstances, and realize what is going on, without having to be hidden from it.

How sad that they didnt tell him. God bless him and his little heart.